LOS ANGELES (Wireless Flash) – Here’s the skinny on Friends star Matthew Perry: He’s been ordered to lose weight by the show’s producers. The big-wigs are refusing to shell out any more money for costumes to fit Perry’s ever-expanding gut, says National Enquirer gossip columnist Mike Walker.

BUCHAREST, Romania – Critics are kicking down a new TV ad in Romania which shows three Santas karate-chopping each other. A media watchdog group fears the spots will shock children and says it has received more complaints about the commercial than any other previous ad.

HOLLYWOOD – Beyonce Knowles is becoming the Austin Powers equivalent of Shirley Bassey by singing “Hey, Goldmember,” the title theme to the next Powers movie. The tune was penned by Mike Meyers and samples the K.C. And The Sunshine Band hit “(Shake Shake Shake) Shake Your Booty,” according to Musictarget.com.

LONDON – Madonna is all lit up at the way hubby Guy Ritchie is directing her in the flick Love, Sex, Drugs & Money. According to the British gossip website Popbitch.com, the film is so badly lit that the Material Girl looks “hideous and doesn’t want it released.”

TOKYO – A 68-year-old Tokyo man has been arrested for trying to cure his depression by making 994 phony emergency calls in a four-month period. The man claimed reporting false murders to the police “put him at ease.”

LAS VEGAS – Tyra Banks is apparently being courted by Sacramento Kings superstar Chris Webber. The two were recently seen in Las Vegas partying up a storm two nights in a row.

NEW YORK – Michael Michele, who plays Dr. Cleo Finch on ER has decided to scrub out. The 35-year-old actress says after three years of commuting cross-country from New York to Los Angeles to film the show she’s had enough.

BACOLOD, Philippines – A 32-year-old Filipino man recently sliced of his penis because he believed it was driving him to sin. His mother believes he took a biblical passage literally that advises a person to cut a body part off if it prevents you from entering heaven.

NEW DELHI – A zoo in northern India has decided to give its monkeys and apes a daily dose of brandy to keep them warm in below freezing temperatures. Animal experts say the apes have a digestive system similar to humans so they will be able to tolerate the alcohol.

SHANGHAI – DJ Fatboy Slim rattled the nerves of Shanghai police after clubgoers got carried away at a performance and danced so hard the club began to shake. Police told club owners to play slow, romantic music to calm things down, but Slim continued for another 15 minutes before the show ended at 2:15 am.