In 1999, the 2-Belo wrote in message <firstname.lastname@example.org>...
> "What could me more sinister
> than a dead man posting?"
> - Joltin' Joe, 1997
Hello, Ms. Kehoe, you uppity, self-righteous hosebag. I'm sure that by now, you're flopped down on your reinforced bed, fingering yourself in evil glee over the fact that because of my Heinous Harassment, I've lost my livelihood. Either that, or you're cowering in the corner in blind fear, wondering what in God's name you've done to yourself now that you have virtually every person on Usenet against you, throwing around such scary words as "lawsuit", "malice", and "financial compensation".
You unbelievable idiot.
Folks, early last week, Maryanne Kehoe sent several mails to the postmaster address of my company, complaining that I had posted several "harassing" articles directed at her on various newsgroups that she reads, most notably alt.gossip.celebrities and news.admin.net-abuse.email. She demanded that action be taken against me, mentioning - quite haughtily - that she was being attacked for her "anti-spam stance". In effect, she was shoving me into the shit-encrusted cubbyhole normally occupied by the massive pr0n and stupid-sales-pitch spamfucks who make everyone's Usenet life a living hell.
The postmaster of my company wrote back requesting that, since the charges against me were so severe, she send more evidence of my online crimes. The postmaster noted that since abuse of company resources was punishable by termination.
Kehoe responded within MINUTES, sending my company no less than eight of my articles. Every single one of them was posted to, among other groups, alt.gossip.celebrities and nanae, which is of course what pissed her off. She had apparently sent complaints to Databasix, the ISP I was posting from at the time, only to be greeted with chuckles from the Burnores, because no sane human on earth would ever take these articles for anything more than they were: a couple o' silly crossposted articles.
But the postmaster of my company was no "sane human being". He promptly mailed Kehoe to inform her that Mr. Boyd was terminated as an employee for his actions. Broken Japanized English, mistaking R's for L's, the whole bit.
Yes, my postmaster was not a sane human being. That's because I engineered him that way.
*I* AM THE POSTMASTER, YOU IMBECILIC FUCKING SLAB OF LUNCHMEAT!
For those of you reading at home, I am happy to inform you that no, I was never fired. The afk-mn WebCenter - that archive of Usenet Performance Art that so many have told me they like so much - is back in business. My regular old e-mail address will no longer bounce. I continue to be a happily employed d00d, due to the fact that I am the one in charge of maintaining the server here, and dealing with all overseas correspondence (there isn't that much, BTW).
Yes, it was a troll. But only the last part, the part where Kehoe *succeeded* in getting me canned. That was false. But everything else is as true as the day is long. Kehoe made a real attempt to get me into trouble with my employer, someone who has NOTHING TO DO with my activities on Usenet, because I posted some articles into groups she reads to inform her that her head is shaped like an olive loaf.
Now, back to Kehoe herself. Are you fucking listening, you self-important cunt? Pay attention. LOOK AT ME WHEN I FUCKING TALK TO YOU. Let's get some things straight.
Yes, I post some of my Usenet articles from my work machine, although they amount to less than a fifth of my total output. I post some of these articles on my lunch hour. Do you want to know why? BECAUSE I HAVE PERMISSION FROM MY EMPLOYER TO DO SO.
Yes, my personal web site - the WebCenter - is hosted on my work machine. Do you want to know why? BECAUSE I HAVE PERMISSION FROM MY EMPLOYER TO DO SO. As a matter of fact, I have permission from my employer to pretty much do whatever the fuck I feel like with my own space on my work machine - a computer I helped PAY FOR and SET UP - as long as I don't do anything that's against the law, or anything that interferes with company business. Posting a batch of Usenet articles in an alt.* group that contains (rather sophomoric, I'll admit) comments about the shape of the head of some middle-aged American woman on the other side of the planet does not interfere with company business. Nor is it against the law.
I could post every single article I've ever posted from my work machine, and it wouldn't make any difference. It's NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHAT PHYSICAL LOCATION I CHOOSE TO POST FROM. You could be posting "Boyd is a short, bald fuckhead" articles from the server at the PENTAGON, and I wouldn't give a fuck. Because it's none of my BUSINESS.
You think "You're an Olive Loaf Head" is verbal harassment worthy of getting someone fired from their real-life job, Kehoe? You don't like being called an "Olive Loaf Head" in the groups you post to? Well, you ain't fuckin' seen nuthin' YET, you mangled, power-hungry, vile little blob of pus-slathered vaginal yeast discharge.
Don't worry, I'm not going to flood your beloved groups with umpty billion posts. I'm not going to counter-netcop you to whatever company it was you work for. I'm not going to sic a cancelbot on you. I'm not going to call the FCC and demand that they revoke your novice ham license because you're sending transmissions in shitty Morse code on the wrong frequency. No, those things would amount to abuse. I'm above such cowardly sniveling tactics.
Instead, I'm going to keep on a-postin' like I always have, having my fun, flaming people, posting funny articles, and engaging in Usenet Performance Art. You're going to watch me continue to have my fun, and you're going to seethe at the world for falling for the "Ah So, I Am Mr. Boyd's Postmastaa, How Can I Herp You?" trick.
And some of those articles will no doubt contain alt.gossip.celebrities in the Newsgroups: line. Too fucking bad. You're just going to have to LIVE WITH IT, or KILLFILE ME, AND FOR GOD'S SAKE SHUT THE FUCK UP. And if you ever send e-mail to me or my company AGAIN - to any address - I'm going to crosspost it from here to Rancho Cucamonga. You have been warned.
I'm back, folks. Or, rather, I was never gone. F33R M3.
PS. My boss - the president of the company - downloads pr0n during office hours. Bite me.
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"I'D WALK THROUGH HELL IN A GASOLINE SUIT FOR USENET PERFORMANCE ART."
Emperor of Meow |
Newsgroups: alt.fan.karl-malden.nose, alt.flame, alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk, alt.usenet.kooks, alt.bitch, alt.control, alt.bullshit, alt.romath, alt.mcdonalds.crew, news.admin.net-abuse.usenet, alt.non.sequitur, alt.cascade, alt.music.2-belo, alt.planets.uranus, alt.walter.cronkite.karl-malden.nose, alt.fan.karl-malden.nose.fan.karl-malden.nose, alt.upa,alt.nuke.france, alt.sex.with.chickens.whilst.wearing.rubber.knickers
"ACK! MY WARDONKEY SLIPPED!"
"Why, when I was a young programmer we had to write the code in the snow with our pee, and a compiler was just a word for the pilot of the hovering dirigible that read the instructions and passed them to the ALU, which was another fellow with an abacus. They would wrap the results around a rock, and drop it on my house when the program would exit. We had to walk uphill..."
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