I had to write another one. It couldn't be helped. The first one was written last time you were here a few weeks ago. You came over last night, and while the sex was pretty much the same, great as always. The rest of it went bad and now I'm done with it. I am tired of all the same shit. I got tired of it a long time ago and these past few months have reminded me of why. I think I really do hate you. Most of the time you make me miserable. I don't think I'm wrong about anything I said and I've wanted to say it for a long time. I'm just fucking sick of always being here when you feel like it and need someone. I told you a long time ago this would happen and I was right. I am sorry about some things, yeah, I'm not mean. But the rest of it is just life. You come over here when you are upset with the guys and band is having problems. The only problem they haven't noticed yet is the fact that they suck. I didn't realize it until I heard them live on the radio one morning, I was sober and thought they sucked. I don't know anyone that likes them. I listen to all your bitching and whining and then we talk and have fun. I don't get to whine about my problems. You don't want to hear. And because of that, I'm pissed and I'm not going to play along anymore. My health is something that is worth talking about. You have not done one thing for me and are never there when I have to go to the hospital or have seizures here at home. I'm about to have surgery, I can barely even walk most of the time and I have to take tons of fucking medication every day. And you can't even call to see how I'm doing yet you always call and come over when you want to talk about your life. I always listen and I always tell you the truth. But when I try to bring something up like if I'm going to live or not, you don't really seem interested. This is hard for me to believe considering all the nights you would make me hot tea and bring it to me when I just had a cold. Now, I don't seem all that important so I can't just pretend it's okay. It's not. I'm pissed and don't want to be pissed anymore. I would have expected this from anyone but you. I really just don't want it. I have too many things I stress over now and being pissed at you is not going to take up any more space. This morning was the first time you ever raised your voice to me. It was so strange sitting on my bed and watching you stand there and say the lame things that you did. There were a few comments that I know weren't bad and I know those things to be true, but the rest was just immature bullshit. I couldn't believe you said any of it. I've heard stupid things come out of your mouth before but this topped them all. I was thinking to myself that you really turned into an asshole during the few years we were completely apart. I don't really like you much now. If I just met you, there would be an instant dislike. It's really strange to realize that, it's actually quite sad. But knowing this, has killed something inside me and I can't look away. I have been going through the most difficult time of my life, there were times when I thought I would die. Then I get good news, but it's going to take a while to recover. But you don't care. Well, I don't feel like fucking if you don't care. If I were just fucking some guy I picked up I wouldn't be upset. But you are not just some guy. We were together for a long time and even after the breakup; we still saw each other often for several years. Then last year when you heard that I mentioned to someone that I would like to talk to you again sometime, you got my number and called. It was great. Even you said so. You told me that not one woman ever made you feel the way I do and that you could never relax with anyone other than me. You said sex with me was always good and no one came close to making you as happy as I do in bed. I feel the same way and you know it. But now, none of that matters. I was so relieved the first time you came over after all these years and there was no tension. Most people that were as serious as us don't get that chance to go back. It was like no time had passed. It was something we have both admitted to fantasizing about over the years. You called because you had heard about the way my last boyfriend had become violent with me. You cared and knew that I needed someone to be talk to and someone I could trust. That meant everything to me. My kids were happy as hell to see you. You have always been good to them, better than anyone else has. You read to them when they were little, hell, you even changed Nick's diapers and showed him how to pee standing up when we were potty training him. Now you are a complete fucking bastard to me. It really hurt my kids when I told them you wouldn't be coming back. They asked why and I told them you still haven't grown up and have turned into an asshole just like the rest of the men. I really am shocked. I have so many memories with you, good and bad, but the majority are good. Now I have one more bad memory to add to the list. I don't even know why the hell I'm writing this, I said all of it you this morning. Maybe it's because I keep thinking about this morning. I sat on my bed with tears running down my face telling you everything about my health, the things I haven't told you before, the things I left out until I was sure of what the doctors meant, the things I didn't want you to worry about. I told you that I'm scared and would appreciate if you could give me some emotional support and maybe help me when I come home from the hospital for just a few days, until I could walk and bathe myself. That's when you raised your voice and said I should be stronger and deal with it on my own. You pointed at all my pill bottles on the nightstand and said I was nothing more than a pill popper. It took me months to find a doctor that would treat my pain and wasn't worried about the new ridiculous policies regarding pain management. I even have pain management organizations that were trying to find help for me so I could get out of Texas and go somewhere else where there is help. I wasn't even able to bend down far enough to tie my own shoes before I got these pills and now because of the seizure I had when you weren't around as usual, my hips have shifted out of place and it's even harder for me to function. None of that is important to you. Only your stupid problems with guys in the band that are losers anyway. I'm not the one calling you in the middle of the night because I did too much speed to fit in. I have a reason for my fucking drugs. Even you have admitted how they have used you a lot and it still seems to bother you when I mention that if they were such good friends of yours, what the hell were they doing trying to fuck me when we were having problems. They made fun of you behind your back and were always telling me I could get someone better looking like them. All your friends said things like that and you know it. But you wanted fame and fortune. You still haven't achieved it and you never will because none of you have the talent and commitment it takes. You have become the kind of person you always hated. I have become disappointed. You watched me cry and tell you my worst fears and ask for help. You then said you didn't want to hear about it and walked out and left without even a goodbye. I will not pass this off as another one of our little arguments. I will remember this forever. I have had people do things to me before that came as a shock, but I have never been so surprised by anyone's actions the way I was by yours this morning. Nothing you say can change my mind about this. I can't pretend it didn't happen. I will miss you and no one will ever be able to replace you in my life. But I will still go on with my life anyway; I will have my surgery and recover by myself. I have a few good friends that will help but it won't be the same as having someone I love and someone that claims to love and care about me help. It's just one more time in my life I will be alone when I need someone the most. I'm sure you will be glad to hear that I won't be sleeping with anyone else. Not for a long time. Maybe never again. I don't need this kind of thing happening again. If I do decide to have sex, I'll go out and get drunk and pick up someone I can get rid of as soon as it's over. I don't want to get close to anyone again. You are the only man that ever he said he loved me and didn't physically hurt me. You are the only one that could read my mind and know me the way a man should. You are also the only one I never thought would walk away because of my health and because I expected the same thing from you that you were getting from me. I admit that in the past you have apologized for the selfish things you have done, but I don't think you will be apologizing for this one. I don't think you are sorry for what you did. You are still the selfish, arrogant, immature bastard I left years ago. It's a shame. Honestly, I have loved you for a long time and always will, but right now I hope you burn in hell. I must be really be a fool, because I realized as I wrote that last line that I wouldn't like the thought of you suffering. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over that.
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