Most people think of hell as being a hot, fiery place and having Satan as a roommate. This may be the place called hell but for most of us still alive, hell is a state of mind. Hell is a part of everyday life. It finds a way into every aspect of our meaningless, pathetic existence and takes over. Anyone that has ever shed a tear knows what I am talking about. I have lived in hell most of my life. Every time I think I've found an escape I end up in the same place. Hell.

Hell is a little girl crying herself to sleep because the bastard neighbor shot some kittens in front of her after forcing her down upon her knees and shoving his dick in her mouth. Not having anyone to tell. Knowing her mother will die and always made to feel like she was in the way. Having dreams about her grandmother being a murderer. Knowing the sister closest to her age is self-centered and steals her clothes. Turning 13 years old and going to bars and fucking men old enough to be her daddy.

Hell is the first time your husband strangles you. When you wake up on the floor in the middle of the day and it takes a few minutes to remember how you got there. Then you try to get up and have your head hit so hard from behind you black out again. Getting your ass kicked for buying the wrong kind of orange juice. Sitting on a cold bathroom floor in the middle of the night wishing you were dead. Praying to God in the middle of the night to just let you die. Making plans on how to do it.

Hell is knowing your sisters and their husbands only call you when one of them wants drugs or sex. Knowing you have saved their asses at times and never get thanked. Having to carry the guilt and take the blame for their sins. Never getting credit for the things you have done for them even though they hate you. Knowing everyone gets together on holidays but won't invite you.

Hell is not having any women friends because you are pretty. Having men never care what you say or think. Being treated like nothing more than something nice to look at while listening to him and his friends make fools of themselves trying to have an intelligent conversation. Having someone tell you that a pretty girl like yourself should find an old man to take care of you. Having to do it so you can pay your bills and take care of your children. Knowing they all tell you they love you and expect you to fall on knees and give thanks as if it were true, or even important, while they go home to their families and pretend to be good men. Learning that the better reputation a man has the more of a pervert he really is. Losing trust is mankind.

Hell is falling in love. Saying I love you to someone and hearing it back. Knowing he means it. Feeling safe and secure. Being happy. Having complete trust in someone and never doubting that person. Knowing you have to leave them or they will end up hating you for not getting to experience their own hell first. Hoping that one day they will come back to you. Having relationships with others that could have been good but always comparing the feelings from the past and not having the new feelings hold up to anything close enough. Spending years getting drunk and picking up men every weekend only to realize four years later that they all looked the same, like the one you never got over.

Hell is having that person come back to you. Hearing his voice when you click over on the phone. Having all those memories come back in one second. Opening the door and wanting to throw your arms around him but don't in fear of looking pathetic, even though he is the one that called you. Talking like nothing has changed. Forgetting it's been years. Having the first kiss again and finding out the passion is still there. Getting upset before long because you don't know what to do about it. Realizing that your lives have gone in different directions and you don't know if you can bring them together again. Knowing that you had the chance most people never get and even if it still doesn't work out, you had the night that every heartbroken person has ever fantasized about. Feeling content and confused at the same time.

Hell is pretending everything is okay with your life. Going to work and not telling your co-workers they are complete morons. Acting as if you don't mind helping someone else make millions while you can't even afford the insurance they offer and lose your job because of health reasons and receive no compensation but were told constantly that you were the best and made a difference. Knowing they hired some idiot in for half of what you were getting paid. Hating to go out and find another job because the world is full of stupid people.

Hell is watching your children grow up and knowing they will learn the same lessons you did but hope they don't learn them the same way. Teaching your children to do what is right even though you can't find many examples to point out. Explaining to them why the teachers and principals don't do anything when another kid steals their stuff. Trying to tell your daughter why she cries and wants to die once a month. Letting them make decisions on their own and hoping they paid attention to your words. Trying to explain why there are some families that live on the street. Why so many people hate. How not to hate like the others. Watching them show compassion and wish the rest of the world could be like them. Having to explain safe sex and why it's so important. Not having all the answers.

Hell is sitting here at 2:00 in the morning writing this because I can't sleep due to the pain medication I have been on for almost a year now. Knowing I am only suffering like this because my pain brings more revenue to the pharmaceutical companies and doctors. It's better to let me suffer and provide a steady income for the medical community than to fix what is wrong so I could get on with my life. That's another story and I won't go into for now. Just felt like writing. It's better than crying or watching info commercials on TV.

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