For the children. Right.

Well, let's just assume, for the sake of argument, that charity isn't an outright racket. Being the good-natured schmuck that you are, you want to help out. So you're thinking about donating to a children's charity. Fine. Here's a question for you:

What about all of the adults who are in need of help? Does anybody even give a damn about them anymore? It's doubtful, because everybody's so bloody concerned about the poor little rugrats. In fact, the only way an adult can usually get charity at all is if they have some horrid little runt clinging to them.

Time for a reality check.

Knowing full well that there are adults sleeping on the streets in cardboard boxes, most people would still rather contribute money to children's charities so that some stupid Ritalin-gobbling brat can add a shiny new toy to her collection. Fuck these child-worshipping morons and their tragically misplaced concern.

There are elderly people who desperately need our help. Millions of adults are living in dire poverty. Adult literacy programs are being phased out in many areas due to lack of funding. Some programs for handicapped adults are in desperate need of contributions. Mentally ill adults often receive no help at all. Do you prefer to send your charity money abroad? Fine. Universities in developing nations are crying out for donations of books and educational materials. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of charities that need assistance. And if you don't want to contribute funds at all, how about getting off your ass and volunteering some time? There are adult-oriented charities that need help, and they need it now.

But these words will likely fall on deaf ears.

People are so obsessed with giving to children's charities that nobody gives a flaming damn about adults anymore. So go ahead and empty out your purse, because heaven knows that that the world will come to a screeching halt if a bunch of spoiled little snotpickers don't get the very latest faddish toy for Christmas. Of course, by the same time next year, these broken, useless toys will be lying in a Salvation Army bin, and people will be yelling and screaming all over again about how much money it's going to take to "help brighten a child's holiday season". What crap.

Face it. Most children are little more than resource-sucking maggots. They serve no real purpose (in a world this overpopulated, who needs MORE of the damn things?) and have accomplished nothing noteworthy in their lives. What about the ADULTS who are starving and neglected? Now, they have real lives, real stories, real experience and real trauma. A child has nothing of the sort. Most of today's children have the IQ of scrambled eggs and wouldn't recognize genuine trauma if it bit them on the ass. There are so many people who desperately need help--yet kids are sucking up the lion's share of charity contributions.

So screw the children. Let the little bastards play Nintendo until their grubby, jam-smeared fingers rot off. Let them whine and stamp their Gucci-clad feet because they can't get every single toy they see on TV. Let them roll on the floor in hysterical fits until some dumbshit comes along and pumps them full of Ritalin. I couldn't care less about children and their repulsive little antics. There are real people out there who need real help.

There are geriatrics, homeless people, mental patients, burn victims, terminally ill people, and all manner of well-deserving folks who need your help. Hell, there are abused and neglected animals who need charitable donations. So why waste your precious time giving another single penny to the goddamn children? They don't need it and they don't deserve it. And the truth is, there are SO MANY charities giving to children that if they miss out on your piss-ant contribution, they'll be covered just fine anyway. Don't even worry about people coughing up dough for the children. Suckers are doing it every day of the week. All it takes is for some drooling lamebrain to shuffle up to the average dull-witted American's doorstep and announce that they're raising money "for the children", and a thousand stooges will open up their wallets right on cue.

"For the children". It's the magical catchphrase. People will blindly cough up all kinds of money "for the children". This is usually due to the fact that they're too damn stupid to ask a few basic questions:

WHOSE children? WHAT children? WHERE are these children? WHEN do you intend to reach your financial goals (this will stump them every time, because they're used to continuous donations--there is no goal, and there's no end in sight to their greed for your money). HOW did you find these so-called "deprived" children? And finally, WHY in the screaming hell should I be giving my hard-earned dollars to subsidize these children when their own bedsore-ridden elders are likely rotting away at this very moment in some filthy, understaffed, unvisited nursing home? The idea of children themselves performing acts of charity--a rather popular notion when I was a kid myself--seems to have utterly vanished from the American consciousness. Anyhow, just ask charity workers a few simple questions, and watch the silly shits turn pale as ghosts. Nine times out of ten, they can't answer your questions, because they're not used to getting questions. They're used to people digging into their pockets like zombies and coughing up the dough--and plenty of it.

Look at the shameful situation in which heads of charity organizations (especially the ones that claim to be "helping the children") often receive inflated paychecks for their so-called acts of "charity". Now, even a dimwit knows that if it's really charity, then you don't get paid for it. It's that simple. These greedheads can whine all day long about how hard it is to run a charity, but that doesn't make their overpaid status right. Oh, but these greedy bastards are sooooo concerned about the children. They're loaded with concern, all right--for their own money-grubbing agenda. Here's a good approach to pleas for children's charities: offer to contribute books or educational materials in lieu of money. Watch how fast the solicitors' faces turn sour. They'll stand there and stare at you like you're from Neptune. That's because they don't want anything remotely resembling real help for the children; they just want your money.

Anyhow, you can see what a scam most "charity" is. But if you intend to practice it, then select your recipients carefully. Personally, I draw the line at giving funds to adults who have minor children. The adults may, indeed, need help, but one has to approach the matter intelligently.

Doubtless, some of you are going apeshit now, wringing your hands for the poor little children. Oh, but the dear little things can't HELP their situation! Their parents are poor, but the children can't help it, blah blah blah. There may actually be a grain of truth there. The kids can't help it. But if their parents were too goddamn stupid to use birth control, that's not even remotely my problem--nor should it be yours. The more we reward these nitwit breeders with charity handouts for their little monsters, the more we'll be encouraging them to continue their unchecked breeding patterns. Worst of all, their children will grow up to expect handouts. And what will they do? You guessed it--they'll breed like cockroaches and expect handouts for their little bastards, and the cycle will continue, ad nauseam.

Put two homeless people on the street. Make one a child, and the other an adult male. Everybody will knock themselves out to help the child, while letting the adult freeze. WHY? This makes no sense, at least not to a person who has an ounce of compassion. But most acts of charity aren't about compassion at all. They're either knee-jerk reactions, or calculated attempts at making the donor feel good about herself. People give to children, not because it's logical, but because everyone's supposed to give to children--and most folks, sheep that they are, will follow right along without ever asking WHY. Other people give to the kiddies because it'll make them look great at their next club meeting. After all, club members don't get accolades for donating to adults. It's all about the children, don't you know? Almost every civic organization in America raises funds "for the children". Given that, don't you think the children are getting enough damn help already?

How about raising funds for a nursing home in which people are treated with care and compassion? How about paying for optical surgery so that a visually-impaired adult can see again? You could donate time working in a soup kitchen that caters primarily to homeless adults. You could help an adult learn how to read. You could work on a suicide hotline. You could work with mentally challenged adults or help out as an adult education volunteer. ANYTHING but coughing up another single dime that will just be wasted on tacky plastic kiddie toys to temporarily amuse some ingrateful little hellion.

Remember this: the children that everyone's so concerned about these days will eventually grow up. Then, society will consider them worthless--after all, there are CHILDREN to help! The children who are treated like little kings and queens in the handout lines of today will become the forgotten pariahs of tomorrow. When they're adults and cease to be cute, then the only way they'll continue getting charity is if they manage to shit out a few kids of their own--that is, if society continues being deluded enough to give to children's charities in the first place.

I don't subscribe to the opinion that people stop having value just because they've committed the unpardonable sin of growing up. Who has the greater level of need--an adult who doesn't know where her next meal is coming from, or some little screeching brat who needs yet another trading card to help round out her collection? I think you know the answer.

Charity can be a noble venture. One out of a hundred charities might actually accomplish something noteworthy. But the vast majority of children's charities are a fool's game. If you want to play along, that's fine. Just don't expect me--or any other rational person--to join in.