My emotional and mental conflicts began when I was about 4 years old. I remember feeling like my "insides" (psyche) were wide open. What do I mean? Whenever I was around people, I would sense their problems or private information about their lives no matter how well hid (i.e. sexual abuse, physical abuse, mind problems, anger, violence, etc). I didn't know what to do with all this info I was sensing yet I knew the information I was receiving was accurate. I struggled with my mind, emotions, and life in general as I continued to (against my will) receive this info about people. Still at about the age of four, I was placed on a barbiturate (phenobarbital) by my doctor to prevent potential brain hemorhages due to raging fevers I constantly suffered from. I remained on Phenobarbital for approximately four or five years. I used to tell my mother that I felt like I was living in "a bubble" while the rest of the world was outside of my "bubble". To me, this awareness was some sort of quasi-clairvoyance about my future vulnerability towards intense emotional struggles. This feeling of something being "off kilter" within me remained throughout my adolescence, only to culmunate being diagnosed as (Manic Depressive) in my thirties.
In my teens, I started to experience some very starting phenomena. I would sporadically and inadvertently start to see people's heads explode. Whenever I had this experience it terrified and revolted me. I hated it. I knew something was wrong and I didn't know what to do. I stuffed it all deep inside and attempted to move on with my life.
In my early 30's, insidiously I started to experience a intense mental/emotional melt down. I needed help and I took the initiative to get it. I learned many things along the way.
In laymen's terms, Manic Depression is an affective mental disorder (a mental disorder that effects the emotions). Most experts believe Manic Depression is a biological health problem which is caused by chemical imbalances (i.e. serotonin depletion). This is known as the biological or biomedical theory. However, this is only speculation and the actual cause of Bipolar remains unknown. Other theories that enter into the etyology of Manic Depression are: genetic predisposition; continual premature or prolonged exposure to an emotionally abusive environment; uncontrolled anxiety, unconquered addictions; living in a "fallen", irrational world; spiritual emergence; esoteric initiation into shamanism; diagnosis by reptilian-brainied "specialist" (doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc) based on a completely arbrirary text (The DSM IV); the medical community being in cahoots with the pharmaceutical companies, etc.
Manic Depression traits are described as vacillation between a hyper, upbeat, impulsive, extremely energetic, elevated "manic" mood and a downcast, non-functioning, neglectful, and potentially suicidal depressive mood. Hence, the term "Bipolar" -- the two poles of being up and down. The manic state of Bipolar has another aspect besides being "up". When manic one may also become overtly emotional and easily agitated. If you will, the "manic" cycle of Manic Depression is being like Jim Carey on Jolt Cola. Concerning the depression cycle of Manic Depression, imagine it being like Eeyore on downers.
These "mood cycles" of Bipolar illness (the manic state and depression) are purported to vary in intensity and duration. Without proper treatment, a person with Manic Depression will supposedly bounce between the two "mood cycles" of being extremely "up" and excessively "down". Some will experience depression for a long time (up to several months) and then they will cross over to the manic phase for an extended time (up to several months) or vice versa. Others who have Bipolar illness may "rapid cycle" by going through both extremes on a daily or weekly basis. Last but not least, others may go through an agonizing, terrible "mixed stage" of both mania and depression at the same time. This "mixed" cycle may last for hours, days, or weeks.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, at least 10% of the population has some form of major "chemical" depression like Manic Depression. That figure represents over 2 million people in this country! Within this group, 61% of those with Manic Depression develop some sort of substance abuse or dependence disorder. In other words, according to the NIMH, Manic Depression is responsible for approximately over 1 million people in this country who are hooked on drugs, alcohol, or some sort of dependence disorder! As if that's not bad enough, up to 15% of the untreated Manic Depression populace end up committing suicide.
When a person has Bipolar Illness, they develop mercurial and abnormal characteristics. Although these abnormal characteristics are present with the initial development of Bipolar illness, there are definite time periods of marked progression into each abnormal
trait. One of the first traits may be something A.T. Beck refers to as "automatic thoughts." These involuntary interjectory thoughts are usually of a shocking nature. Every person that has Manic Depression does not necessarily have these thoughts, however, some may experience them. Kay Redfield Jamison (a Psychiatrist at John Hopkins), in her book entitled "An Unquiet Mind" shares some shocking personal experiences about her own automatic thoughts and Manic Depression.
