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Every month in Canada, over 30,000 lucky citizens get to live the high-life. That's right, 30,000 Canadians get to laugh it up, while living in the lap of luxury known as "disability."
Yes, it is safe to say that the good folks on disability are smarter than the stupid people who think that their career will somehow reward them. After all, people on disability don't have to work a nine-to-five job, they get to live in a big mansion as a result of the money that comes pouring in their door on a weekly basis, and they get the best kind of butler service available: home care health-workers!
Let's face it: working at the Bottle Depot sucks! So, in order to escape your dreary existence and float off into the heavenly realm of government checks coming straight from the taxes of some stupid charity worker who probably works 50 hours a week, all you have to do it let a big stack of Pilsners fall on you, thus mildly crushing your spinal cord. Or, if you're feeling especially creative, let a big truck carrying many bottles run you over. That way you can get disability and sue the driver at the same time! After all, nothing is funnier than watching a father of four explain to his kids, "Daddy wasn't sure HOW he ran over the nice man who sued us for $100-millon, but that's why we are being thrown out of our house."
Now I know what you're thinking, "How can I reap the bountiful harvest that is known as disability?"
According to the Workers Compensation Board, "Your claim starts when you suffer an occupational injury or disease. Your employer or doctor then sends a report to the WCB, both for your original treatment and on your progress."
The Workers Compensation Board suggests that the first thing you should do when injured on the job is to seek first aid immediately after being hurt. But, in the words of John Lennon, "Let it be." It would be foolish for any aspiring pensioner to be only slightly injured and still have to work. If you let your wound soak a little, you can make sure the idiots in the government pay up!
Remember: "When an injury causes you permanent, total disability, you are eligible for a monthly pension. The amount is usually equal to the wage-loss benefit rate. Other earnings do not reduce the pension amount." In other words, you can sit at home, drink booze and watch television all day: the dream of any model Canadian citizen.
Besides, why waste money on RRSPs? Disability is the ultimate retirement plan. You don't have to put nearly as much money in, and you never run out of money in the end.
Disability can even be used as a form of escape. Often things go missing and, as always, your corporate boss suspects you and starts making a paper trail. If you go on disability: problem solved!
However, while there are a number of fun and easy ways to get on disability, there are a number of strategies that you can't use. For example, saying that your alcoholism is a work related disease won't get you on disability, but sticking your hand in a working combine to "pick up something I think I dropped" will. But, be careful, don't forget to put the second arm into the combine or else you'll be a one armed combine operator! Then, you can sit at home and have your butler feed you booze in a bottle (using your arms to drink liquor is just a waste of time anyway).
Even if this doesn't work, there are a number of charitable organizations willing to care and maintain the residences of people who lose their arms in misfortunate "accidents."
Surly Culvert is a freelance criminal working to pay off his student loan
one VCR, car stereo, petty cash fund, and liquor store at a time.
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