My Dad's Favourite Films

The movie is about an invasion of the United States by several boatloads of vicious killers, who come from somewhere (Cuba, maybe?) and leave their amphibious vehicles on the beach. They pile into a caravan of rented trucks and vans and spread out across Florida, using grenades, machineguns and bazookas to destroy anything that looks remotely like a wholesome American image. Examples: School buses full of kids, shopping malls, church services and even suburban families decorating Christmas trees while singing "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing!" The theory is that their random violence will unleash anarchy upon America, the rule of law will collapse, and the government will fall, and then they will take over.

Who are they? Their leader, named Rostov, sometimes seems Russian, usually sounds American. His followers are sometimes Oriental, sometimes Latino, usually anonymous. Chuck Norris works for "the agency," and is brought out of retirement to fight the threat, but as usual he insists on two specific working conditions: He works alone, and he drives his own pickup truck. (In one scene, he drives the truck through the wall of a shopping mall and mows down several terrorists, miraculously not hitting any civilians in the process.) He says as little as possible, and the role has no particular individual characteristics. He's just a mindless violence symbol.

DEATH WISH III

Bronson, playing Paul Kersey is back in New York for the first time in ten years (since Death Wish I). He aims to visit his Korean War buddy Charlie, an old inhabitant of an Eastern New York City housing project. As Kersey arrives to Charlie's complex he finds his buddy well beaten who then says a few words and dies hilariously. The cops finally show up and arrest Kersey for murder since he's in the apartment. They take him in and he speaks to the police chief where Kersey demands, "I want a lawyer." The chief answers profoundly, "No you don't." He continually calls Kersey "dude" for no apparent reason. He then throws Kersey in the station's jail. This is no ordinary jail as Kersey will soon find out. Ordinary jail's are for short-term storage so usually no one knows anyone inside as would be expected in a prison. Not the case in this jail. It's got all the power structure among inmates of a prison. Here Kersey encounters many "creeps", and he get's beaten by their jail's tough-guy head honcho who's been described in the words of critic Joe Bob Briggs as a Swedish homosexual gangster. They are quickly broken up and the thug leader is released on bail where he says, "I'll kill a little old lady for you." When he's released the crime that's plagued the area he and his gang torment continues to increase. It's clear the NYPD can't cut it so the chief, who knows of Kersey's past, tells Kersey he's going to help him clean up the east side. Of course Kersey hasn't much choice since he was never held accountable for the events of DeathWish I. On the way out of jail Kersey meets a young defense attorney, Miss Davis. She insists on Kersey pressing charges for his poor treatment, but he refuses. Kersey then goes back to the scene of the crime where he meets Bennett, Charlie's best friend. Bennett informs Kersey of the gang and of whom killed Charlie. He also gives Kersey Charlie's apartment since the rent is paid for the rest of the month. The next day, Kersey buys a car and later that night he, Bennett and their new Jew friend Eli and his wife, have dinner at Eli's home. During dinner Kersey hears trouble so naturally he goes out and shoots two creeps who are looting his car. Later, Bronson receives the gun he ordered in the mail. I like to call it the elephant gun since it's so ridiculously large. Other than it's mammoth size, it is just like any other hand gun though. He shows it to Bennett and ensures him that now the criminals are in trouble. One day Kersey sees an old lady get her purse stolen by "the running thief" a.k.a. "the Giggler". This runner works by casually walking up to a victim, taking their purse or other easy item, and running away as fast as he can. Bronson feels he needs to put a stop to this injustice, so he sets forth with a camera drapped around his shoulder from his apartment. He goes to an ice cream store, picks up a cone and waits outside to be victimized. When the running thief takes his camera, Bronson pulls out his elephant gun and fires one shot casually before walking away, while people clap loudly everywhere. After clearing out some more petty criminals, Kersey decides he needs to take care of his arch rival, the jail gang leader who's still tormenting him. He gets Bennett and others to help stockpile hardcore war weapons including Bennett's favorite, a huge automatic machine gun. One day the jail leader and his cronies are after Bennett and start climbing up the fire escape to his apartment. I believe this where the funniest part of the movie is. All the gangsters are brandishing weapons (chains, bats, etc.) and one of the creeps is actually shaking a plunger as a weapon toward Bennett. He gets out the machine gun with the intent to mow down several of the dozens who were after him. He goes out on the escape and loads it striking fear into all of them who run in terror. About ten seconds later when they realize the gun isn't working, they turn around in unison and go beat him up. Kersey visits him in the hospital and gets very ticked off at these creeps. This is when you know it's gotten personal and he will get even. Now a ghetto war begins and the already downtrodden neighborhood turns into an all out Bosnian war front where there is no commerce of any kind, and no productive citizens, but just constant war. After the war starts, Kersey takes care of several people in it and after hours of gunfire the police finally show up. Kersey escapes harm as the chief knows of what's going on and Kersey gets ready for DeathWish IV.

ERNEST IN THE ARMY

Ernest in the Army, Jim Varney's latest adventure, as a military recruit forced to diffuse the diabolical plans of a Middle Eastern madman, should be a laugh riot -- after all, Varney is making a REALLY funny face on the video sleeve. If I have just described your eternal love for suburbia's nosiest neighbor, I might also assume that you own a Health Rider, a Flobee, an autographed picture of Tony Little and enough commemorative plates to feed the Walton clan. You are beyond my help. For the rest of you, heed my warning: Ernest in the Army -- a celluloid glop of exploding portable toilets, gummy toad spit-takes, and porno-esque facial close-ups -- may be the most awful film ever made. Besides providing zero yucks and unfavorable stereotypes of Arabs, Europeans and American white trash, Varney establishes a relationship with a small vagrant boy that proves to be more disturbing than poignant. After watching the homeless tot sleeping under Ernest's cot and hearing Varney spew lines like "I know what it's like to be alone," one might feel a more appropriate title would be Ernest Goes to Elementary School in a Creepy Van Full of Candy. Or, perhaps, Weekend at Roman Polanski's. This movie is so bad, The Three Stooges would have turned it down. Better yet, the script would have even ended up in Pauly Shore's "rejection" pile -- right next to a "consideration" pile containing specs for a new Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen sitcom and a Belgian snuff flick.

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