Reviews

3 Stars(of four)

On the whole, the crazy people on Victoria St. exhibit the certain wit, charm, and sparkle of a simpler time when crazy people were crazy people and astonished passers-by were astonished passers-by. Compared to that, the relatively trite crazy people on Lansdowne show a potential of being progressive with their insane stylings, and possibly exhibit the signs of having some of the avante-garde tendencies. But, by and large, one gets a feeling of "been there done that" when running into these unfortunately unoriginal souls.

One must keep in mind that this isn't Kelowna, so the crazy people downtown have a faux industrial/post-malt liquor façade that conveys the works of a by-gone social work days when electro-shock therapy was the only way to get people back into the working world.

Red Carpet Coffee

No Stars(of four)

Drinking "Red Carpet Coffee," much like its cousin: "Dirt Mixed with Water," is an unpleasant experience that should be avoided at all costs. "Red Carpet Coffee" has the mechanical blend of a synthetic machine mixed with the parasitism of Kamloops' drinking water.

Certainly one can liken drinking "Red Carpet Coffee" to being given psychotropic drugs by the C.I.A., except without the moral purpose that the C.I.A. ascribes to its inductees. With that said, "Red Carpet Coffee" is an excellent way to fake a suicide. That is, presuming you hide the thin paper cup, the police will spend an eternity attempt to disseminate what precisely burned out all of your vital organs.

Orange Julius, Sahali Mall

Two and a Half Stars(of four)

While one may criticize Orange Julius as being nothing more than a vessel for overpriced orange-flavoured foam, there is a particular aspect of eating there that makes one feel good old fashioned American pride: dehumanized workers, misrepresentative prices, and the fact that a business can survive for years upon end without closing despite the total lack of business(other than the people who work at the Mr. Big and Tall next door) or having food of any real value. After all what better place is there for patrons tired of their busy walk through a mall which is ten meters long? The only other restaurant in this mall(other than the Fox and Hounds pub) is McDonalds, and certainly no one would ever think of walking fifteen meters outside of the mall to the Subway in the same parking lot.

Overall, while I can't recommend Orange Julius in Sahali mall in good conscience, I will still recommend it for the sheer purpose of sounding contradictory. Orange Julius is a restaurant that appeals to the dead inside us all-the notion that we are nothing more than rotten flesh scraping our feet along the wretched uncarpeted floor of a new nineties mall, while techno versions of Kenny Rogers play in the background. That's right folks, we are nothing more than zombies, but instead of human brains, our food of choice is Orange Julius.

Crat Paatz is an uncritical critic, whose observations reflect the opinions of all organisms that exhibit independent tendencies.

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