pairings that never were

Crossover Pairings that Never Were
(yes, I know, amanda/xena's been done...)

Some slash fans are particular about their pairings. There are people who won't read anything but Fraser and their favorite Ray, people who blanch at the thought of Duncan and Richie. In the most extreme cases, it's because they feel that their favorite guys (or gals) were Meant to Be, because they're Soulmates, because the power of their undeniable bond shines out of the TV screen with the white-hot light of a thousand suns.

And this argument does have a great deal of validity, especially when applied to crossovers. After all, isn't slash basically about people picking up on subtext? How can there be subtext between two characters who've never even appeared on screen together?

On the other hand, how many Sentinel slash fans drooled over Bone's ultra-yummy "Look" series, starring Jim Ellison and Duncan MacLeod? As much as slash is about the real, the observable (Krychek kissing Mulder on the cheek, etc.) it's also about imagination. Slash writers take disparate, often few-and-far-between scraps of subtext, and knit them together into something much greater than the sum of their parts. When you look at it that way, it's really not such a stretch to match up Methos and Blair.

All that having been said... these Pairings that Never Were range from ones I'm thinking about bribing someone to write-- (Miriam? Wrath of a Jealous God? Hey, Te-- Two Lonely People? C'mon, you know you wanna...) --to ones that I would in fact run shrieking from if ever faced with in reality. In short (and doncha wish I'd just said this in the first place?) this is just me. Being silly.

Okay, you know how I asked for 'fic based on some of these pairings? Well, I got some! The fabulous Te actually did write some Faith/Krycek stories: Gangland: Parole, Gangland II: Gun, and Gangland III: Outside.

I also recently received an untitled Faith/Krycek snippet from Lise. Yeah, these two are gonna be the new hot pairing. Whoo!

New! Tea, by Misha, a sweet, thoughtful, almost melancholy little Giles/Qui-Gon story. Yay Misha!

Thanks guys! *smooch*

VOLUME THREE: PROJECT FEMSLASH!

So I'm reading Sitnah's Stare and it hits me like a baseball bat. Femslash with sharp dialogue, insight into the characters and their motivations... My brain tilted like a pinball machine, and then I stumbled across Siege Engine by Hth which has all that and hot sex too. Together, these two stories have everything I love about slash-- and with chicks!! Thus inspired, and hoping to inspire in turn, I present: Project Femslash.

Curriculum (Harry Potter/Buffy the Vampire Slayer)	Minerva McGonagall/Jenny Calendar
Set before Jenny comes to Sunnydale, and before the Harry Potter books begin... Minerva is the new headmistress of Hogwarts, the only British boarding school that teaches spellcasting and transfiguration. Jenny is a hip Californian technopagan and computer teacher. When Jenny hops the pond to visit her Gypsy relatives, she meets Minerva in a quaint little pub where those who know magic like to go. They argue about technology, tradition, feminism and the future of magic, and eventually, Jenny drags Minerva into the ladies' room to show off her piercing.
Black Tie Affair (The Pretender/Men in Black animated series)	Miss Parker/Agent Elle
Presenting the battle of the chicks without proper first names! Blond, soft-spoken Agent Elle may look easy, but when The Centre captures one of MIB's alien diplomats, Miss Parker learns that looks can be decieving. Alternate plot: maybe Jarod's parents were aliens, gasp! I really don't care. I just want Agent Elle, all buttoned down, caressing Miss Parker's gritted jaw with her shiny little zap gun. Hee.
The Goddess and the Ghoul (Hercules/Days Of Our Lives)	Discord/Chloe Lane-Wesley
After coming to Salem to live with her birth mother, Chloe was shunned, mocked and nicknamed 'Ghoul Girl.' All that changed when Philip Kiriakis asked her to a school dance, but Chloe's new confidence is destroyed when Philip confesses he only asked her on a bet. The punky, catty minor goddess Discord has few worshippers in modern times. But when she hears Chloe's cry for revenge, Discord senses a kindred soul and heads straight for Salem. What will Chloe ask of the bitch goddess? What will Discord ask for in return? Will John have to do an exorcism? Will Charity from Passions cross over and save the day? And what is the flight speed of an unladen swallow?
A Brief Spell (X-Files/Sabrina the Teenage Witch)	Dana Scully/Zelda Spellman
When Mulder decides to investigate reports of anomalous happenings at a certain high school (centered around teenager Sabrina Spellman) Scully is skeptical. While Mulder haunts the high school looking for his X-File, Scully investigates the Spellmans. When she grows intrigued by Sabrina's brainy aunt Zelda, will Scully lose her professional detachment? And when Zelda falls for this charmingly rational mortal, will she give up her witch powers for love? Or is their romance doomed to last for only... a brief spell? snicker
The Big Score (Batman/Mission Impossible 2)	Selina Kyle/Nyah Nordhoff-Hall
So what if Tom Cruise and Thandie Newton walked off arm in arm at the end of the movie? Dollars to donuts that in the sequel, we won't even get a "Nyah who?" Call this a preventative strike; sneak-thief Nyah gets bored, dumps Ethan Hunt, and sets about making plans for the biggest job of her career. It's a two-person deal, so Nyah starts looking for a partner, and finds one in Selina Kyle, aka Catwoman. There's just something sexy about a good jewel heist... (Bonus pairing: Ethan comes after Nyah, and gets entangled with Bruce Wayne.) Warning: This pairing will self destruct in five, four, three, two...
The Forsaken (X-Men/Sandman)	Mystique/Mazikeen
Mystique is a scaly blue-skinned mutant who has time to kill while Magneto sits in his plastic prison. At a bar, she runs into the demon Mazikeen, who knows a few things about loving revolutionaries. Mazikeen has half a face; Mystique has about a million. No plot, really, but I'd kind of like to see Mystique get drawn in and make some kind of deal with the devil.
BONUS PAIRING/BOTW RANT Even BOTWs Need Love (Due South/The Sentinel)	Janet Morse/Debra Reeves
Buddy shows are candy to a slasher-- if only it weren't for those awful Babes of the Week! A sexy dollop of T&A who's guaranteed dead, in jail or just plain gone in forty minutes-- ah, the ideal woman. (Sarcasm, yes.) Actually, DS wasn't that bad-- see Janet from The Bounty Hunter. And TS managed to drag itself away from the cliche bucket once in a while; I always liked Debra the fire inspector from Light My Fire. So maybe on her way back to Canada, Janet does some more bounty hunting to make ends meet. She chases an arsonist to Cascade, clashes with Inspector Reeves, and instantly becomes smitten with the butch, boot-clad babe. (Bonus scene: Debra calls up Jim to see if he knows anyone who can babysit Janet's kids. Blair gets stuck with them. Chaos ensues.)

VOLUME TWO

Clairol Series #1: Blondes
(Voyager/Buffy the Vampire Slayer) Tom Paris/Spike, Seven of Nine/Spike
When the punk rock vampire is found floating in space and beamed into sickbay, Tom Paris is assigned to acquaint the odd new life-form with Voyager's protocols. But Spike likes Seven of Nine's attitude better. Who will win Spike's affections? Will the vampire be able to convince the Doctor to remove the chip from his head? Will Seven and Tom be shocked when Spike's hair goes back to its natural color?
Alternate scenario: Spike's been kicking around on Earth all this time. He and Tom meet in the period that Tom is on the down and outs, after getting kicked out of Starfleet but before prison. Imagine the possibilities. (Paris/Spike suggested by Maaike)

Clairol Series #2: Redheads
(X-Men/X-Files) Dr. Jean Grey/Dr. Dana Scully
Before Scully meets Mulder, and before the X-Men become a team, two redheads meet in a hotel bar at a medical conference. Scully is intrigued by (but skeptical of) the increasing reports of spontaneous mutations, and Jean is stressed about... oh, screw it, I'm not even going to attempt to justify this. They're redheads, dammit! Brainy, undersexed redheads!! What more do you need?
Swordplay
(Rurouni Kenshin/Star Wars:TPM) Kenshin/Obi-Wan
Note: Rurouni Kenshin is a historical anime that takes place in the transition period beween two eras, after a particularly bloody revolution. The main character, Himura Kenshin, is a wandering swordsman and former samurai who's sworn never to kill again. Throw in Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi knight. Add a little sparring, a little meditation... Smut ensues. (Suggested by Ophelia and Galadriel)
Not Entirely Alien Feelings
(Due South/Third Rock from the Sun) Francesca/Sally
After dumping Officer Don, Sally (the alien security officer) is sent to Chicago by the Big Giant Head to observe Ray Kowalski, who recently discovered that he was abducted by aliens at ten years old-- see the episode, "Seeing is Believing." While on her mission, Sally discovers both the concept of lesbianism and the fetching, newly-graduated from police academy, Officer Francesca Vecchio. Can Sally keep Ray from investigating his abduction? Will Francesca discover that her penchant for tall, beautiful, unsocialized freaks crosses gender lines? Find out! (Suggested by Resonant.)
Lost in Translation
(Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Pillow Book) Spike/Jerome
Spike needs a translator for a spell to bring Drusilla back. He kidnaps Jerome, who (as played by Ewan MacGregor) is not 100% unwilling to say the least. Jerome translates, and Spike makes a comment about getting his girlfriend back. Jerome looks disappointed. Spike looks predatory. More smut ensues. (Suggested by Ophelia and Galadriel)
Diplomatic Immunities
(Due South/X-Men) Fraser/Logan
"Come on, Frase, yer takin' this guy in, but what do ya really know about him? I mean, he could be anyone. He could be one a them, ya know, mutants."
"That's mere speculation, Ray. All I know is that he's a Canadian citizen in distress. I think my duty is clear."

Evil Evil Evilfic
(Voyager/Star Wars:TPM) Neelix/Jar Jar Binks
Well, the title says it all. I'm really very sorry. I thought this one up all by myself, unfortunately, so please blame only me for any ensuing mental trauma. Again, I'm very sorry.

VOLUME ONE

After Hours 1: The Teachers' Lounge
(Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Star Wars) Rupert Giles/Qui-Gon Jinn
Whether you're training a luscious Padawan or responsible for a nubile Slayer, the profession of teaching can often be... frustrating. Off the clock, Rupert and Qui-Gon rid themselves of some excess energy.
After Hours 2: The Conference
(The Sentinel/The X-Files) Simon/Skinner
Number two in the After Hours series. Simon Banks and Walter Skinner are two divorced men tired of lusting after their subordinates. When a mixup at a management conference sticks them both in the same hotel room, it's the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Wrath of a Jealous God
(The Sentinel/Hercules) Jim Ellison/Ares
This story explains the real reason why young Jim Ellison joined the Army at 18... Years pass, and it's love at first sight for Jim when Blair Sandburg comes along. But the God of War doesn't like to share his toys. Can Jim protect Blair from Ares' wrath?
The Prophets Never Shut Up, Did They?
(Due South/Deep Space Nine) Ray Vecchio/Kira Nerys
He's Italian Catholic, she's Bajoran. He's a streetwise twentieth century cop, she's a former freedom fighter. When Ray Vecchio is thrown forward in time by the force of an unexpected explosion (it's a long story, involving a boomerang, a can of gas, a gold mine, and some stray chronoton particles) he's assigned a spot on DS9's team under Major Kira. Snarky dialogue enlivens this romantic battle of wills.
Ladies' Night at the Apocalypse
(Buffy/Highlander/Xena) Drusilla/Callisto, Amanda/Xena
A period piece set in 1945. On the outs with her boyfriend Spike and in the mood for some havoc, when psychic vampire Drusilla awakens psycho goddess Callisto, it's a match made in Hell. Only thousand-year-old Immortal Amanda knows the secret to stopping Callisto-- the revival of an ancient Warrior Princess. Featuring a guest appearance by Indiana Jones, who for once completely fails to score with anybody.
Even Morons Get Lucky
(Highlander/Xena) Methos/Joxer
An epilogue to The Convert. (The title is from the episode.) Joxer is having trouble dealing with his first kill. He runs into a mysterious stranger who's able to help him through his nightmares. See also Another Damn Boy Scout, a Methos/Obi-Wan encounter by the same author.
Two Lonely People Who Use Each Other To Forget Two Other Totally Clueless People, Story #93061
(Buffy the Vampire Slayer/The X-Files) Faith/Krychek
Alternate title: Trust No Man. The Consortium has been watching Mayor Wilkins. After the season finale of Buffy, they kidnap Faith from the hospital, revive her from her coma, and offer her a chance to join them. Still hurting over Buffy's rejection, Faith accepts. Her first mission sets her up against Alex Krychek-- still obsessed, of course, with Mulder. Is Alex the man to convince Faith that not all guys are lying, sneaky cheats who'll betray her at the first opportunity? Oh hell no! Angst and violence warning.

Note: If you (yes you! I know you're out there!) read this page and get inspired to write a real story with one of the pairings or plotlines mentioned here-- just go ahead, do it. :) (Just tell me, so I can see it when you're done!) And if you have a funny idea for a Pairing for this page, e-mail me. :)
All manipulated photos on this page were manipulated by me.

Tell me I'm crazy, baby I know...
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"Hey! Good clean porn fun!" Tom Servo, MST3K

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Clairol Series #1: Blondes (Voyager/Buffy the Vampire Slayer)	Tom Paris/Spike, Seven of Nine/Spike
When the punk rock vampire is found floating in space and beamed into sickbay, Tom Paris is assigned to acquaint the odd new life-form with Voyager's protocols. But Spike likes Seven of Nine's attitude better. Who will win Spike's affections? Will the vampire be able to convince the Doctor to remove the chip from his head? Will Seven and Tom be shocked when Spike's hair goes back to its natural color? Alternate scenario: Spike's been kicking around on Earth all this time. He and Tom meet in the period that Tom is on the down and outs, after getting kicked out of Starfleet but before prison. Imagine the possibilities. (Paris/Spike suggested by Maaike)
Clairol Series #2: Redheads (X-Men/X-Files)	Dr. Jean Grey/Dr. Dana Scully
Before Scully meets Mulder, and before the X-Men become a team, two redheads meet in a hotel bar at a medical conference. Scully is intrigued by (but skeptical of) the increasing reports of spontaneous mutations, and Jean is stressed about... oh, screw it, I'm not even going to attempt to justify this. They're redheads, dammit! Brainy, undersexed redheads!! What more do you need?
Swordplay (Rurouni Kenshin/Star Wars:TPM)	Kenshin/Obi-Wan
Note: Rurouni Kenshin is a historical anime that takes place in the transition period beween two eras, after a particularly bloody revolution. The main character, Himura Kenshin, is a wandering swordsman and former samurai who's sworn never to kill again. Throw in Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi knight. Add a little sparring, a little meditation... Smut ensues. (Suggested by Ophelia and Galadriel)
Not Entirely Alien Feelings (Due South/Third Rock from the Sun)	Francesca/Sally
After dumping Officer Don, Sally (the alien security officer) is sent to Chicago by the Big Giant Head to observe Ray Kowalski, who recently discovered that he was abducted by aliens at ten years old-- see the episode, "Seeing is Believing." While on her mission, Sally discovers both the concept of lesbianism and the fetching, newly-graduated from police academy, Officer Francesca Vecchio. Can Sally keep Ray from investigating his abduction? Will Francesca discover that her penchant for tall, beautiful, unsocialized freaks crosses gender lines? Find out! (Suggested by Resonant.)
Lost in Translation (Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Pillow Book)	Spike/Jerome
Spike needs a translator for a spell to bring Drusilla back. He kidnaps Jerome, who (as played by Ewan MacGregor) is not 100% unwilling to say the least. Jerome translates, and Spike makes a comment about getting his girlfriend back. Jerome looks disappointed. Spike looks predatory. More smut ensues. (Suggested by Ophelia and Galadriel)
Diplomatic Immunities (Due South/X-Men)	Fraser/Logan
"Come on, Frase, yer takin' this guy in, but what do ya really know about him? I mean, he could be anyone. He could be one a them, ya know, mutants." "That's mere speculation, Ray. All I know is that he's a Canadian citizen in distress. I think my duty is clear."
Evil Evil Evilfic (Voyager/Star Wars:TPM)	Neelix/Jar Jar Binks
Well, the title says it all. I'm really very sorry. I thought this one up all by myself, unfortunately, so please blame only me for any ensuing mental trauma. Again, I'm very sorry.

After Hours 1: The Teachers' Lounge (Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Star Wars)	Rupert Giles/Qui-Gon Jinn
Whether you're training a luscious Padawan or responsible for a nubile Slayer, the profession of teaching can often be... frustrating. Off the clock, Rupert and Qui-Gon rid themselves of some excess energy.
After Hours 2: The Conference (The Sentinel/The X-Files)	Simon/Skinner
Number two in the After Hours series. Simon Banks and Walter Skinner are two divorced men tired of lusting after their subordinates. When a mixup at a management conference sticks them both in the same hotel room, it's the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Wrath of a Jealous God (The Sentinel/Hercules)	Jim Ellison/Ares
This story explains the real reason why young Jim Ellison joined the Army at 18... Years pass, and it's love at first sight for Jim when Blair Sandburg comes along. But the God of War doesn't like to share his toys. Can Jim protect Blair from Ares' wrath?
The Prophets Never Shut Up, Did They? (Due South/Deep Space Nine)	Ray Vecchio/Kira Nerys
He's Italian Catholic, she's Bajoran. He's a streetwise twentieth century cop, she's a former freedom fighter. When Ray Vecchio is thrown forward in time by the force of an unexpected explosion (it's a long story, involving a boomerang, a can of gas, a gold mine, and some stray chronoton particles) he's assigned a spot on DS9's team under Major Kira. Snarky dialogue enlivens this romantic battle of wills.
Ladies' Night at the Apocalypse (Buffy/Highlander/Xena)	Drusilla/Callisto, Amanda/Xena
A period piece set in 1945. On the outs with her boyfriend Spike and in the mood for some havoc, when psychic vampire Drusilla awakens psycho goddess Callisto, it's a match made in Hell. Only thousand-year-old Immortal Amanda knows the secret to stopping Callisto-- the revival of an ancient Warrior Princess. Featuring a guest appearance by Indiana Jones, who for once completely fails to score with anybody.
Even Morons Get Lucky (Highlander/Xena)	Methos/Joxer
An epilogue to The Convert. (The title is from the episode.) Joxer is having trouble dealing with his first kill. He runs into a mysterious stranger who's able to help him through his nightmares. See also Another Damn Boy Scout, a Methos/Obi-Wan encounter by the same author.
Two Lonely People Who Use Each Other To Forget Two Other Totally Clueless People, Story #93061 (Buffy the Vampire Slayer/The X-Files)	Faith/Krychek
Alternate title: Trust No Man. The Consortium has been watching Mayor Wilkins. After the season finale of Buffy, they kidnap Faith from the hospital, revive her from her coma, and offer her a chance to join them. Still hurting over Buffy's rejection, Faith accepts. Her first mission sets her up against Alex Krychek-- still obsessed, of course, with Mulder. Is Alex the man to convince Faith that not all guys are lying, sneaky cheats who'll betray her at the first opportunity? Oh hell no! Angst and violence warning.