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Panther wrote: [snip]
Hi Panther, Sorry, it's taken so long for me to write back. I came down with a nasty cold and just felt well enough to read the over 400 messages in my Inbox. External looks are not that important if you care for someone. I can relay a personal experience. Many years ago, I met this young man who was not what most people would call "handsome". He had a birth defect and a wandering eye. But when he smiled, his whole face lit up. And he had a generous nature, was considerate and had a great sense of humor. He was easy to talk to. Soon, I didn't even notice his face but looked at the whole person. And the whole person was beautiful. I think that when you get to know and like a person, you tend to overlook the physical imperfections. I plan to attend this rally for our favorite show, the Watchman. Why don't you and your roommate come too? It should be a lot of fun. How about it? Tracy oooOOooooooOOooooooOOooooooOOooooooOOooo Thurs, 3 Dec 1998, 9:05 p.m. "Aawww, maan!" "Whatsa matter, Chief?" "Well, Jim, I just got an e-mail from an 'e-pal' of mine. Seems there's been a big hassle among the Watchman fans. I hate it when people who are usually so supportive of each other start sniping at one another. I know it has to do with stress and frustration because they're having so much trouble getting the show back on the air, but ..." "Are they still planning on having that secret rally in LA in January?" "Yeah. ... Hey! How'd you know about that? Only the fans on the net are supposed to be in on that." "Well ... let's just say that I have my sources... And besides, how did you know?" "Umm.. Well .. um .. my e-pal belongs to this discussion list and she tells me stuff." "Uhh, what discussion list?" "You know, most fandoms have discussion lists through e-mail where fans can discuss the TV shows and the fanfiction that people write. My .. um .. friend belongs. I get to find out stuff." "Are you thinking of joining any of these lists, Chief, like say, for The X-Files or The Watchman"? "Um .. maybe .. when I get the time, Jim. Why?" "Well, maybe you can find out how to join one and you could maybe keep me filled in." "I didn't know you were interested in this stuff, Jim." "Well, I wasn't really, until I overheard a couple of the secretaries discussing some of the fanfiction they'd read. It sounds like some of the fan writers do a good job. So I just thought ..." "What stories did they mention, Jim?" "I can't remember the titles or anything, Chief. I just remember some of the more interesting plot points and thought maybe there was some place to find these stories. The secretaries mentioned things called zines." "You know, some of those stories are a little ... um ... risque'." "Risque' Chief?" "You know, like Mulder doing Scully. Pretty explicit stuff." "Yeah, one of the stories I heard somebody talking about sounded a little like that. I even heard about .. no, you won't believe it..." "Believe what, Jim?" "There are even stories about Mulder and Krycek. Can you believe that?" "Well, Krycek did kiss Mulder last season, Jim. I guess some writers just sort of ran with it." "Doesn't the idea .. sort of .. bother you?" "Bother me?" "Yeah, you know, two guys?" "Me?! No way, man! Though I sort of think Skinner would be a better choice for Mulder, don't you?" "But ... what about Scully?!" "Well, Skinner would be a good choice for Scully, too, come to think of it. "In fact, I heard about a story in which Scully and Mulder do Skinner in Scully's kitchen." "Howcome you never told me about any of this stuff before, Chief?" "Well, I didn't think you'd be interested, Jim. I've heard it gets really explicit and sometimes a little .. um .. kinky. And you don't really like it when I talk about .. um .. sex and stuff --" "That's not it! I just don't like you leering at me when I go on dates. I don't give a rat's ass about what you read!" "OK, chill! I didn't say I read it ... well, OK, I've read a couple of the stories. My .. um friend sent them to me." "Well, maybe you could get your .. friend .. to recommend a couple of Watchman stories" "I'll ask her next time I do my e-mail -- OK? What kind do you want?" "Something with a plot and maybe some humor. -- I don't know, whatever's good." "How about a little romance, Jim?" "Huh? What? Oh. 'Watchman' romance, Chief?" "Interested, Jim?" "Sure, why not." oooOOooooooOOooooooOOooooooOOooooooOOooo
Usually by the time I've thought through my position on something, the thread has long since died. It's true in this case, too, but I suspect the question is still of interest to Wolf, who posed it, and to Panther, who's in a similar situation. And besides, what I have to say is a little different. Love in unexpected places? A bit over two years ago, my mother flew to Florida to take are of Sarah, a friend with cancer, and fell in love. Several months later, Sarah died, so you can imagine my mom went through a mourning period. My dad, mostly happily married to Mom for over 25 years, was also saddened by this turn of events. When they announced their separation, my sis *said* she was fine, but for a while there, she was vomiting every time she had to leave the house. (I was the only one not surprised and/or distressed.) Sarah was not close to her family, didn't really have anyone in her life, but she died knowing someone loved her. As for the rest of us -- we go on. My sis stopped vomiting and got a promotion. Mom and Dad are still friends; ironically, Mom has cancer now and Dad takes care of her when she has chemo treatments. What made Mom's coming out hard on so many people is that she grew up when people simply didn't question their sexuality unless they couldn't avoid it. The Watchman's dad (to bring this semi-on-topic :) spoke of how he worked hard because "that's what men did." My mom did the female version. When she finally had to deal with it, she already had a relationship, and found herself caught between loyalty to herself and loyalty to the man who had been so important in her life. Wolf, Panther, you are fortunate enough to be facing this when you and your roommates are free to do what you have to for your own happiness without hurting anyone else. This time of your lives won't last forever. Your roommates could find other loves, but there's even worse (TPTB forbid). I don't remember if you guys said what your rommates each did for a living (itchy deleted finger), but even if they are not in high- risk professions, they or you could get run over by a beer truck tomorrow and die with too much left unsaid. Panther, Wolf -- you are free as my mom was not. Take a chance on love. (Guess I owe an ObWatchAD, huh?)
--Gina
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After reading the wonderfully positive stories about listsibs finding Ms. Right or Ms. Maybe, I started to feel wistful. My few, fleeting attempts at this were not exactly *failures* in any absolute sense, but they were not quite the success stories described so far. I was in my 20s when I realized that I was just plain head over heels with a high school buddy's girlfriend (who was on the verge of breaking up with said buddy). I eventually did tell her how I felt and we flirted and cuddled but we were infinitely shy and nervous about the whole deal. My life was like a blues song. I would occasionally try to stop the pain with alcohol. (Wrote some bad stories and poetry [But that's OK -- any writing is practice, right?]) She vacillated between writing letters to suggest that we live together As lovers and then skittering away. Eventually she married some guy and Moved out of the state. I was aware that I was probably bi, but I was so fragile that I eventually just squashed that part of myself down for nearly 20 years. BUT Wolf, Panther -- If I could go back, I would NEVER have avoided telling her. I would never have missed out on the opportunity to experience what we did experience and to learn as much as I could from the life I was living. Isn't the purpose of life to learn all we can while we're here? Well, for me it is. And for that reason, if I could go back, I would NEVER have squashed down this part of who I am. It didn't 'fix' anything, it didn't make anything better. Suppressing who I am has only led to bouts of Depression. So guys, even though my experience was not as positive, I think the moral is the same -- don't let anything get in the way of expressing the love you feel. You may not know how it's going to turn out, but we never do, anyway. Your friend could say no, but he could say maybe or even yes. If you don't ask, he may say nothing at all. And then you'll know nothing at all. --Marmot oooOOooooooOOooooooOOooooooOOooooooOOooo
I decided to take this off-list because I just started feeling like discussing my feelings for my roommate was just getting too personal for a semi-public forum. And you seem to be about the same age as my roommate so you might be able to ... I don't know ... give me advice or insight or something. The ladies on the list are pretty much telling me to 'go for it,' to just tell him. They seem to be so optimistic, so sure that it will all turn out all right. But my life, my experiences just don't lead me to have such a rosy outlook. The important people in my life have all left me and I can't help being afraid that he'll be next -- especially if I spook him. It's getting so I'm starting to close down around him. I snap at him more and try to take more time off to go off by myself. I feel like he's too close but not close enough. Are you having the same problem or have you started to work this out with your friend? Keep me updated. Maybe if you work this out, you can give me pointers -- guy-to-guy. Thanks, -- Panther oooOOooooooOOooooooOOooooooOOooooooOOooo
On Fri, 4 Dec 1998, Panther wrote: [snip]
Panther, Sorry, about not getting back to you sooner, man, but RL has a way of grabbing my attention. I do know what you mean here, about feeling 'too close but not close enough.' Just close enough to feel the heat but not close enough to release it. There are times when I just know I'm going to spontaneously combust! At the moment, I don't have anything sage to tell you, no real advice. But I was wondering. You know that rally in January to get The Watchman back on the air? I'm thinking of trying to get my roommate to go to that. He likes the show and might be willing. Are you and your roomie considering making the trip? If so, maybe the 4 of us could get together. Maybe we could help each other out, give each other's friends a clue. What do you think? We've got a month to plan this so you have time to think it over. Let me know. --Wolf
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