Red Paint

onewords.

Sonofabitch, this page is being an ass. Anyway, it got too big, so I put it here and started a new page.

sides
take sides. you have to, you'll be seen as having taken them no matter what you do. and sometimes you just want to be on the side that is against pain, against more pain, and you can't do even that, they won't let you. sometimes i laugh until my sides hurt. sometimes i whirl around my apartment and sing to myself. it makes me happy. the acoustics in the elevator make my voice strong. on the side of life.
January 25, 2003

graphic
what you are about to see is very graphic. graphic violence, graphic sex, graphic design. the graphics they put up on news shows, silly photos of fires or eagles or whatever else on cnn. graphic depictions of violence or sex. we're so afraid of depictions of sex. nice cheap cop-out, there. it's all fine as long as you don't take your clothes off, right? what the fuck ever.
January 23, 2003

tarnish
polishing silver in the sun, backyard during lunch hour when i could skip home between morning and afternoon; we had a set with the letter w engraved on the handles, although i didn't understand why until i learned that it had belonged to my great-grandparents. it never really tarnished, just got a little old-looking, a little bit scratched.
January 22, 2003

smile
great day to tell me to smile. this is a bad day. i always read that like a command. smile! the man sitting on the street asks for a smile if I can't give him a loonie. and it's a sinister word, smile. it belongs to villains as much as to us ordinary beamers.
January 20, 2003

noose
in lecture the professor told us that a greek tragedy is like a knot, a twisted knot, that by the final act has turned into a noose. she wore her hair hanging clumsily over her face. we sat at our tables - the lecture hall still smelling of breakfast - and scribbled this down seriously, but i didn't remember it until now.
January 19, 2003

reach
the branch keeps moving; sour grapes. they (right-wingers) say you can only be a leftist/progressive if you're a total failure in life as it is. they used to say all feminists were too ugly to get men. for a long time i thought i was, or i was, and i wished i were gay because boys were so cruel. i wonder what it would be like if i were.
January 17, 2003

room
my room is where i breathe. my room is a mess. i'd like to show people into it, actually: see, come look what i have on my walls, see where i sleep, this is where i live - but i never do, because it's always so cluttered. i suppose you could make that a metaphor for something, for me, for my life, or maybe i just like a reason to keep my door closed.
January 16, 2003

sin
he believed it was sin, being with me; but i'm not sure to whom. for a while he thought i was the sin, then later, he realised it was me he'd sinned against; maybe. sin, real sin, is more like poison that pervades you than dirt you can rub off. we may have scrubbed each other off, but he still has his selfishness, and i my bitterness, and that's the real sin.
January 15, 2003

corner
store. the one in my neighbourhood was sandy's variety, with sandy, who probably wasn't really named sandy, he was chinese, tall and lanky and spoke just enough english to get by, when i was ten and buying chewy candy and burnt almond chocolate bars, and next to the corner store was a rose garden held in by hedges, and across the street a flower shop.
January 15, 2003

symbol
symbolism...surrealism, melting time. jung and his archetypes, the tarot cards, the stars, the sun, the wise old man. the dreams. the blond beast is rising in germany, said jung, after reading patients' dreams, and somehow, how horribly right he was.
January 13, 2003

flash
hehe. i think of shockwave, naturally. geek. i just got dreamweaver, and i'm trying to decide whether it's kosher to not do all my html coding by hand. idunno. authenticity is important, isn't it? on the other hand, one can take shortcuts...have things done in a flash, instead of taking forever. the wonder of technology, eh?
January 11, 2003

blank
blank slate, blank stares, blankness is the worst, suggesting emptiness, disappearance, withdrawal, and i get it a lot: blanks shot at me, not fatal, not intentional, but painful nonetheless.
January 10, 2003

weight
carrying around the weight of one's own thoughts can be exhausting. one's thoughts can have weight or they can just be heavy, it depends on whom you ask. weights will hold you down in the water when you're drowning, if it's an active thing, someone drowning you, or you drowning yourself, like virginia woolf in the hours, stones in her pockets.
January 9, 2003



	onewords. Sonofabitch, this page is being an ass. Anyway, it got too big, so I put it here and started a new page. sides take sides. you have to, you'll be seen as having taken them no matter what you do. and sometimes you just want to be on the side that is against pain, against more pain, and you can't do even that, they won't let you. sometimes i laugh until my sides hurt. sometimes i whirl around my apartment and sing to myself. it makes me happy. the acoustics in the elevator make my voice strong. on the side of life. January 25, 2003 graphic what you are about to see is very graphic. graphic violence, graphic sex, graphic design. the graphics they put up on news shows, silly photos of fires or eagles or whatever else on cnn. graphic depictions of violence or sex. we're so afraid of depictions of sex. nice cheap cop-out, there. it's all fine as long as you don't take your clothes off, right? what the fuck ever. January 23, 2003 tarnish polishing silver in the sun, backyard during lunch hour when i could skip home between morning and afternoon; we had a set with the letter w engraved on the handles, although i didn't understand why until i learned that it had belonged to my great-grandparents. it never really tarnished, just got a little old-looking, a little bit scratched. January 22, 2003 smile great day to tell me to smile. this is a bad day. i always read that like a command. smile! the man sitting on the street asks for a smile if I can't give him a loonie. and it's a sinister word, smile. it belongs to villains as much as to us ordinary beamers. January 20, 2003 noose in lecture the professor told us that a greek tragedy is like a knot, a twisted knot, that by the final act has turned into a noose. she wore her hair hanging clumsily over her face. we sat at our tables - the lecture hall still smelling of breakfast - and scribbled this down seriously, but i didn't remember it until now. January 19, 2003 reach the branch keeps moving; sour grapes. they (right-wingers) say you can only be a leftist/progressive if you're a total failure in life as it is. they used to say all feminists were too ugly to get men. for a long time i thought i was, or i was, and i wished i were gay because boys were so cruel. i wonder what it would be like if i were. January 17, 2003 room my room is where i breathe. my room is a mess. i'd like to show people into it, actually: see, come look what i have on my walls, see where i sleep, this is where i live - but i never do, because it's always so cluttered. i suppose you could make that a metaphor for something, for me, for my life, or maybe i just like a reason to keep my door closed. January 16, 2003 sin he believed it was sin, being with me; but i'm not sure to whom. for a while he thought i was the sin, then later, he realised it was me he'd sinned against; maybe. sin, real sin, is more like poison that pervades you than dirt you can rub off. we may have scrubbed each other off, but he still has his selfishness, and i my bitterness, and that's the real sin. January 15, 2003 corner store. the one in my neighbourhood was sandy's variety, with sandy, who probably wasn't really named sandy, he was chinese, tall and lanky and spoke just enough english to get by, when i was ten and buying chewy candy and burnt almond chocolate bars, and next to the corner store was a rose garden held in by hedges, and across the street a flower shop. January 15, 2003 symbol symbolism...surrealism, melting time. jung and his archetypes, the tarot cards, the stars, the sun, the wise old man. the dreams. the blond beast is rising in germany, said jung, after reading patients' dreams, and somehow, how horribly right he was. January 13, 2003 flash hehe. i think of shockwave, naturally. geek. i just got dreamweaver, and i'm trying to decide whether it's kosher to not do all my html coding by hand. idunno. authenticity is important, isn't it? on the other hand, one can take shortcuts...have things done in a flash, instead of taking forever. the wonder of technology, eh? January 11, 2003 blank blank slate, blank stares, blankness is the worst, suggesting emptiness, disappearance, withdrawal, and i get it a lot: blanks shot at me, not fatal, not intentional, but painful nonetheless. January 10, 2003 weight carrying around the weight of one's own thoughts can be exhausting. one's thoughts can have weight or they can just be heavy, it depends on whom you ask. weights will hold you down in the water when you're drowning, if it's an active thing, someone drowning you, or you drowning yourself, like virginia woolf in the hours, stones in her pockets. January 9, 2003