male & female
orgasm
free stuff
girls
ponies
old people
supermodels
tough guys
tough gang
alternatives
fantasies
antique
phallus
former life
next life
crazy days
nasty manners
first words
legs
breeding
DIFFERENCES
BETWEEN MALE AND FEMALE BRAINS
| 1. |
A woman thinks about: |
| - |
Fashion (31%) |
| - |
Cleaning the living room (28%) |
| - |
Cleaning the bath room (20%) |
| - |
Cleaning the other rooms (14%) |
| - |
Children (7%)
|
| 2. |
A man thinks about: |
| - |
Nothing (right half; 50%) |
| - |
Sex (29%) |
| - |
Drinking (16%) |
| - |
Buddies (5%)
|
| 3. |
An old woman thinks about: |
| - |
Grammatical errors (34%) |
| - |
Geranium-flowers (26%) |
| - |
Begonia-flowers (22%) |
| - |
Gerbera-flowers (18%)
|
| 4. |
An old man thinks about: |
| - |
Pretending to be well-behaved (37%) |
| - |
Nurses (34%) |
| - |
Dance-Trance..... and they call that "music"? (21%) |
| - |
Islam (8%) |
SEVEN PROOFS
FOR THE AUTHENTICITY OF A FEMALE ORGASM
| 1. |
Her brain produces oxytocin |
| 2. |
Little things are floating in the air, the light flickers before it
finally goes out |
| 3. |
She stops reading her book |
| 4. |
Her ectoplasm becomes visible (a glowing in the dark) |
| 5. |
She calls the name of another man |
| 6. |
All of her hair is falling out |
| 7. |
Shortly afterwards she turns her back on you and starts sleeping |
THE BEST
THINGS OF THE WORLD ARE FOR FREE
| 1. |
oxygen |
| 2. |
digestion |
| 3. |
the champagne on all flights of the Concorde |
IN THE ROOM
OF A GIRL YOU CAN FIND:
| 1. |
pictures of ponies (73%) |
| 2. |
teddy-bears (65%) |
| 3. |
teddy-ponies (58%) |
| 4. |
voodoo-doll of her mother (56%) |
| 5. |
good-bye-letter (to Leonardo Di Caprio: 20%; to Blixa Bargeld
from the "Einstürzende Neubauten": 34%; to Woody Allen:
46%) |
| 6. |
Woody-Allen-shrine (12%) |
| 7. |
pictures of Woody Allen on a horse (6%) |
IN THE STABLE
OF A PONY YOU CAN FIND:
| 1. |
straw (100%) |
| 2. |
halter (100%) |
| 3. |
pictures of girls (84%) |
FEARS OF
OLD PEOPLE
| 1. |
glazed frost (92%) |
| 2. |
inflation (77%) |
| 3. |
incontinence (72%) |
| 4. |
internet (56%) |
| 5. |
burglars under the bed (30%) |
| 6. |
ticket-inspectors (100%) |
| 7. |
nurses (100%) |
| 8. |
aliens from outer space (23%) |
| 9. |
AIDS (48%) |
| 10. |
Alice Cooper (11%) |
SUPERMODELS
AND HOW THEY CALL EACH OTHER
| 1. |
Claudia Schiffer: Cloy |
| 2. |
Naomi Campbell: Belly |
| 3. |
Linda Evangelista: Listless |
| 4. |
Kate Moss: Moth |
| 5. |
Tatjana Patitz: Patchy |
| 6. |
Nadja Auermann: Aurochs |
| 7. |
Cindy Crawford: Sink |
ONLY THE
REAL TOUGH GUYS...
| 1. |
Open a bottle with their eyelid |
| 2. |
Eat their lunch-box together with the box |
| 3. |
Use dynamite as toilet-paper |
| 4. |
Sleep in the plane next to an open window |
| 5. |
Buy tickets for a standing-room in the opera |
| 6. |
Marry a woman with an higher income |
THIS GANG
COULD CHANGE THE WORLD
| 1. |
Spiderman |
| 2. |
King Kong |
| 3. |
Attila the Hen |
| 4. |
Britney Spears |
| 5. |
Luciano Pavarotti |
| 6. |
Robocop |
| 7. |
Noam Chomsky |
| 8. |
Inspector Colombo |
| 9. |
Alex the parrot |
| 10. |
Michael Jordan |
THE ALTERNATIVES
FOR WALKING
| 1. |
Standing (disadvantage: getting on becomes rather difficult) |
| 2. |
Sitting (disadvantage: look under "Standing") |
| 3. |
Lying (1/2 inch every year) |
| 4. |
Rolling (snails are faster) |
SEXUAL FANTASIES
OF A CALIFORNIAN WREN
| 1. |
with an owl (88%) |
| 2. |
with a penguin (82%) |
| 3. |
in the winter (81%) |
| 4. |
with an owl while a penguin is watching (79%) |
| 5. |
in a nest at the edge of a volcano (68%) |
| 6. |
in the nest of an eagle (67%) |
| 7. |
in an elevator (63%) |
| 8. |
next to an open fireplace, to the music of Bolero (62%) |
THE MOST
SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGNS OF THE ANTIQUE
| 1. |
"Consequently for Carthago" Hannibal |
| 2. |
"We, the people of Hellas" Perikles |
| 3. |
"Rome in the first place" Cicero |
| 4. |
Cato: "Because I love the antique" |
| 5. |
Pompeius: "Bread AND Games!" |
| 6. |
Alkibiades: "The gods count on him" |
| 7. |
"With the responsibility of a pagan tradition" Nero |
| 8. |
Demosthenes: "Athens' first choice" |
| 9. |
Augustus: "Move on to the prime century!" |
| 10. |
"I do it my way" Caesar |
PHALLUS-SYMBOLS
THAT USE TO APPEAR IN DREAMS
| 1. |
Banana (96 %) |
| 2. |
Empire Sate Building (94%) |
| 3. |
Samurai-sword (89 %) |
| 4. |
Tie (83 %) |
| 5. |
Washrag (75 %) |
| 6. |
Germany (60 %) |
| 7. |
sausage (59 %) |
| 8. |
Michael Schumacher (54 %) |
| 9. |
Ice-cream with banana-taste (51 %) |
| 10. |
Titanic (50 %) |
WHAT THEY
HAD BEEN IN A FORMER LIFE
| 1. |
Marilyn Manson: Lepisma saccharina |
| 2. |
Noam Chomsky: dancer at the palace of Ramses III |
| 3. |
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Immanuel Kant |
| 4. |
Tom Cruise: eel |
| 5. |
Tipper Gore: Ramses III |
| 6. |
Steven Spielberg: vegetarian dinosaur |
| 7. |
Leonardo Di Caprio: Michelangelo |
WHAT THEY
BECAME IN THE NEXT LIFE
| 1. |
Kurt Cobain: poodle |
| 2. |
Evita Perón: supermarket |
| 3. |
Albert Einstein: Alex the parrot |
| 4. |
Andy Warhol: two-dollar-bill |
| 5. |
Adolf Hitler: Roland Emmerich |
| 6. |
Karl Marx & Friedrich Engels: Siegfried & Roy |
| 7. |
Oscar Wilde: hair-dresser in Billings, Montana |
THE CRAZIEST
DAYS OF THE WEEK
| 1. |
Sunday |
| 2. |
Monday |
| 3. |
Tuesday |
| 4. |
Wednesday |
| 5. |
Friday |
| 6. |
Saturday |
ANIMALS AND
THEIR NASTY MANNERS
| 1. |
Llama (spits) |
| 2. |
Magpie (steals) |
| 3. |
Skunk (rather moody) |
| 4. |
Elephant (very unforgiving) |
| 5. |
Humans (they always kill each other) |
FAMOUS PEOPLE
IN HISTORY AND THEIR FIRST WORDS
| 1. |
Socrates: "Mummy" |
| 2. |
Cleopatra: "Mummy" |
| 3. |
Sigmund Freud: "Mummy" |
| 4. |
Jesus Christ: "Daddy" |
| 5. |
Paula Modersohn-Becker: "Mummy" |
| 6. |
Charles Manson, Mother Theresa, Maria Callas, Ludwig Wittgenstein:
"Mummy" |
| 7. |
Siegfried & Roy: "Günther" |
THE NUMBER
OF LEGS
| one leg: |
relaxed stork |
| two legs: |
window-dresser |
| three legs: |
damaged table |
| four legs: |
turtle |
| five legs: |
old zebra with a crooked stick |
| six legs: |
six-legged table |
| seven legs: |
millipede that lost 993 legs |
| eight legs: |
Chinese dragon with four men inside |
| nine legs: |
a window-dresser, his friends and a relaxed stork |
| ten legs: |
ten-legged table |
THOUGHTS
OF A BREEDING HEN
| 1. |
I hope it will be a boy! |
| 2. |
I hope it won't be a cuckoo! |
| 3. |
I'd rather want to have a girl than a cuckoo! |
| 4. |
a chicken-girl, of course, not a cuckoo-girl! |
| 5. |
I hope it will be a boy! |
