THE BALLAD OF
PRINCE XERXES
by Ian Robinson
Prince Xerxes looked at the two photographs. In his right hand he held a photo in which he looked as attractive as a bag of pus. In his left hand, he held a photo of himself in which he looked as fuckable as a corpse would look to a necrophile.
He was confused.
"How can I look so vile on one hand, yet so handsome on the other?" he questioned.
"How can it be both night and day at the same time, in the same place?!" He raised his voice slighty, but only slighty, and called for the photographer to be arrested and brought to him.
He had a rule. If he called for something, no matter where he was, somebody had better hear it and act accordingly. This put his servants at a disadvantage when he also ordered them to stay the hell away from him, like when he and the princess retired to the bedroom. The photographer arrived shortly thereafter.
"Photographer" he said, pausing for effect. "I have two photographs, taken by you, earlier this week. One is of suitably high quality, but the other leaves much to be desired. What say you?"
The photographer could say nothing. Here he was, grovelling on the dusty floor before the prince, and racking his brain to find out what words would spare him his life. It was like trying to guess a magic spell for levitating boulders when an extra big one had just toppled off the side of a cliff and was about to land on your head. The photographer had no "magical" expertise.
The prince tore up the bad photo and stuffed it into the mouth of the now dead photographer. The servants cleared away the mess, and the Prince sat down by the window to play the banjo. He was an evil man many said, and was feared in all of the neighbouring kingdoms. This kept his own kingdom free from attack, and allowed his subjects to pursue arts like photography.
If unclogging a drain could be expressed in music, the Prince's banjo playing was it. The notes went down like fallout over the town below. The villagers drifted off to sleep under a banjo playing sun and moon of sorts. Up there, night and day together.