WHAT I DID AT
THE WEEKEND
By Lib.
Aged 27.
30/08/01
.
.
This
weekend I went to Leeds. In Leeds I found Beth in a field, and she was a bit
soggy round the edges, but it's always lovely to find Beth, even when she's
damp.
We went to see some music being played, and there were lots of famous musicians there, and some of them said very rude words all the time. When our little legs got tired we went to our tent and drank some vodka, then some more. Then all manner of things happened. There was some bimbling and some bumbling and some stumbling and some fumbling. A girl called Gemma with a cowboy hat and a chain. And a pikachu and some portaloos, which made Beth sick.
The next day I felt poorly bad, and Beth was a bit green round the gills too. And we walked miles and miles and miles and miles coz the bus people only took us one way, so Beth called them some very rude names. We got rather clammy. I felt very sicky.
We saw some more music then, we nearly got squished and Helen nearly lost some of her footwear, but it was ok. Helen gave us some Dawson food which stopped us getting scurvey, that was nice. Beth ate some runny cheese, and Pikachu died, so we thought it was time for bed.
The next day we got tiddly again, Beth wore my hat and ate my money and tried to eat me. She got her make up out and turned Lee into a nancyboy. She made me a t-shirt that made little girlies feel bad about mocking mental illness, and one for Gemma extolling the virtues of bimbling with more rude words. We jumped up and down and tried it on with the cider people. . We saw Paul who had breasts made of grass, supergrass. I gave Beth beer, and she threw it on the ground. Then she did it again. Then she threw our chips on the ground too, but we ate them anyway. They made her trousers steam. We then debated the zeitgeist qualities of Anthony Burgess and Irvine Welsh, and spent every last penny on some noodles that made us icky-poo.
We needed a wee, but we couldn't go coz all the toilets were on fire, so we climbed down a big hill instead. Beth got stuck on the barbed wire and ripped her GameBoy t-shirt, she not impressed. We breathed in lots of burning poo and plastic, , and she pulled out the long grass from her pants. Cold and tired, it was time for beddy byes.
Then I temporarily left the building while the squatters moved into my head. I don't think that was much fun for Beth coz I didn't want her to see me like that. : ( But lib came back, and we packed up and walked slowly coz we were hurting.
We gots to the bus stop and realised we needed £3, but all we had were tummies full of gippy noodles. But Beth and Lib are stubborn little fishies. So we kicked about in the filth looking for cash. After an hour and a half we had £2.82 and shoes full of shit. Beth went and rattled our plastic cup at some people and got the last 18p. so we went home to sleepsies.
Next day was time for me to go home again, but I wanted a fish on my wrist first. Investigating fishness took longer than we thought, but I didn't want to go without him, coz we wanted to get him together. But I would have missed the train and it would have cost lots of squids to get another one. Beth went and gave the fruit machines a confuzzled look to see if they would give us any money, but they didn't. they mean machines. And we couldn't get any scratch cards either. So I decided to completely empty my bank account and give it to the people at GNER so I could stay longer and get my fish.
After a short and surprisingly painless labour, I got my bimble fish, and fell in love and grinned like a fool for hours and hours. : ) Then something nasty happenedÉ Beth got an odd receipt spat at her from a cash machine. On closer inspection it turned out my little Bethness had been the subject of credit card fraud, and some little shitter had taken her money and given it to BT. Of all people. Pffff. So with the remaining money in the world we bought some Lambrini and went home. To make matters worse the snuffles had returned to Beth's head and were beginning to run riot in her sinuses and her bronchial tubes. We watched a bad film and got woozey while Beth coughed and sniffed. We had 4p between in us in the whole wide world.
Anyhoo next day (today) the people at the bank took her into a room and kind of sorted it out for her, and gave her some money back. So she leant me the money so I could get home. So now I leave Leeds on the the train I should have been on 2 days ago, hoping there is some food at home, though it's unlikely. I also remembered I left my security pass and my suit at work, and I don't know how I'm going to get them back before Monday. And I really hope I get paid tomorrow, coz I'll be in deep smelly burning poo if I don't. Ah well maybe now I'm immune to the effects of burning poo. Oh life in the house of commons will seem so dull again.
But I smile at my fishy, my bimble fishy blowing bubbles, and he smiles back. Bloop bloop.
.