Gather `round, my children, and I will tell you the tale of the Choklit Cow, and how he came to be.
Once upon a time in a land far away known as Florida there was Brian Warner. He started a band known as Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids. And from this band, the Choklit Cow was born. All things in the universe have the ability to exist. All it takes is for one person to believe, and it is so. So was it with the Choklit Cow. In the song "Dune Buggy", Marilyn sang these words: "I am the chocolate cow, chocolate cow/ Ask forgiveness, and I'll show you how". They believed in the Choklit Cow and gave thanks and praise unto him, offering sacrifices of music and dancing and drugs and sex and candy. But most beloved of all of these was the candy, especially the chocolate.
As we all know, all candy comes from the Choklit Cow. His blood is pure sugar, and from within his being came Choklit, the first of all candies. From Choklit, others derived means to create the other candies of the world. But first in the heart of the Cow is chocolate. In exchange for the offerings of song and of sugar, the Choklit Cow bestowed upon the Magickal Music Group His blessings. In time, however, the worship of the Cow died out. The idea of the Cow as a diety has been dormant since the early 90's. But now, I again take up the cross, so to say, and once again, the worship of the Choklit Cow shall commence!
To worship the Cow is simple enough, for he is a kind and loving Cow God. The only thing you must do is consume candy, as much as possible. Each candy consumed is a prayer to the Cow God, and He will bestow you with blessings for your kind attentions. However, it should be noted that certain kinds of candy are favored above all others. These are as follows:
1. M&M's
M&M's are by far the most variable and beloved of all things choklit. Not only do they come in a rainbow of colors, and not only do they color-coordinate by holiday as well as come with OR without peanuts, but they're easily portable, cheaply purchased, widely enjoyed all over the world, AND they are marked with the "M", the holy letter without which Marilyn Manson could not exist. This in itself should give you cause to worship them for the godlike little morsels that they are. By all means, sacrifice as many of these little drops o' CowLove as you possibly can. Take one at a time or by the handful.
2. Pixi Stix
Pixis come in green/lime, blue/froot punch, red/cherry, orange/orange, and purple/grape. This is a most holy candy, as it comes in brilliantly colored paper tubes and is sold in single-serving packages of 3, as well as larger packs. There are also GIANT Pixi Stix that are roughly 3 feet in length and are as thick as a good-sized middle finger. Trust me, you have two of them. And two is never enough, when it comes to middle fingers. But anyway, get the giant ones. And when the plastic straws are empty, cut them into pieces and use them as drinking straws for 2-liters. Or make a flute. It should be noted that whippings given with a GIANT Pixi Stik hurt like a motherfucker. Pixi dust CAN be snorted, but it will hurt. It can also be added to water to make a kick-ass Kool-Aid-like beverage. For best results, place sugar under your tongue. Sure you won't taste it as much, but it will get into your bloodstream faster, or so I've been told. Take one at a time, or mix dusts for flavor-filled phun.
3. Smarties
Smarties are wonderful rolls of multicolored candy phun. They are crunchy, multiflavored little sugar-disks of glorious sugar-high-to-be. It should be noted that they also make wonderful projectiles, if you're into throwing things. They can also be used in art projects and can look quite nice when glued to paper or used to assist in the drawing of circles. And yes, they are highly addictive and will get you sugar-high rapidly. I have polished off a one-pound bag in an evening by myself. Take one or two at a time. But don't understimate the phun of taking them a roll at a time and crunching them all up at once!!!
4. Everlasting Gobstoppers, Tart-n-Tiny's, and other Wonkalicious Munchables
Everlasting gobstoppers may not be exactly everlasting, but they are some of the best jawbreakers you will ever have. I tend to chew them. Death on my teeth, I know. But they change about three colors and flavors before disappearing into that sweetish-tartish crunchy center. You can get them with chewy centers as well. My friends and I have a little joke that we wanted to get Willy Wonka to come out with an "adult" line of these candies, making them phallic in shape and renaming them "everlasting cocksuckers". Yes, Manson inspired candy. And why not?? But the original gobstoppers are available in the usual small boxes or sometimes you can find them in larger ones in theaters and whatnot. They're addictive. Eat them one at a time.
Tart-n-tiny's are phun to eat as well. Just sweet and sour little crunchy cylinders. I think you can also get them with a sweet candy covering. Yum yum good. Eat them by the handful, as they're just too damn small to eat one at a time.
Nerds! NERDS!! Come ON! these are GREAT! They come in a huge variety of colors and flavors, some of them are double-dipped. And they come in those cute little boxes that make great sounds when you shake them! you HAVE to love Nerds!! Eat by the mouthful!
5. Lollies
LOLLIES!!!!!! Lollies are a favorite candy in the Family. Especially if they are the rainbow colored spiral unicorn horn lollies that come on a wooden stick. But there's more to that story then I'm willing to tell. *evil grin and kisses to Zimmy* Basically, lollies are just phun, whether it be a giant Blo-Pop or the Mickey Mouse heart-shaped lollies in February that taste like Luden's cough drops. Eat one lick at a time.
6. Other Candy
Other candies that deserve at least a mention would be red licorice shoestring laces, Sprees, Tangy Taffy, and a few others that I can't think of but will later, I'm sure. Sprees, in keeping with a long line of successful candies, are rather sour flat discs of white candy covered by colored and flavored coatings. Eat these one at a time. With the Tangy Taffy, it comes in single-serving small sticks, and in longer planks that require awhile to finish. My personal favorite is the strawberry or the cherry flavor. It's fun to suck or lick it until it's gone to make it last longer. As for the licorice laces, they are phun to braid and eat. Or stick one end in your mouth, let the rest of the lace dangle, and walk around in a crowded public area. Or hit people with them.(ouch! This stings!) Or make jewelry out of them. It should be noted that they also make phun and safe bondage equipment. Eat your way to freedom! But then again...who'd want to be free of bondage?
© 1997-1998
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