Funny Stuff
I'm going to put some jokes down here that I think are funny. Some might be short, some might be long, but they're all things I thought were funny.
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A new priest officiating at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. Afterwards he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied: "When I get nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the new priest took the monsignor's advice. Before and during the sermon, he liberally made use of the tranquilizer. Returning to his office after the mass, he found this note pinned to the door:
"Father:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There were 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
7. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey; we don't say he was stoned off his ass.
9. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
10. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last supper He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
11. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
12. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's."
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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply..."The word is celebrate."
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