Title: Clausapalooza Eve
Author/pseudonym: R. A. Swain
Fandom: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
Paring: Implied Rudy/Herme
Rating: R for language
Status: New 12/22/02
Archive: Yes, please. You have my permission to archive.
E-mail address for feedback: raswain@internettrash.com
Series/Sequel: The Rudolph Series
Other websites: http://docswainslounge.warped.com
Disclaimers: The characters are not my property. They are used
without permission, and are used for the sole intent of
entertainment and not for profit. Note other disclaimers at
beginning of story.
Notes: I had to do it. I can't leave the little furry characters
alone. They are just so cute when they curse in my mind.
Summary: Rudolph argues with Comet over a theft, and is comforted
by Herme. Santa and Mrs. Claus A.K.A. Claudia argue aver his
drinking.
Warnings: Vulgar language, and implied bestiality.
Disclaimer: The following story contains adult subject matter. If
you are under the age of 21 you should not be reading this and it
is illegal for you to possess it. If you read beyond this point,
you are claiming to be 21 years of age, and that it is legal for
you to possess adult oriented material.
This is a sexually oriented work of fiction. If sex between
consenting adults, homosexuality or therein is offensive to you,
DO NOT READ IT! By reading beyond this point you are accepting
homosexuality and adult oriented material willing.
Clausapalooza Eve
by R. A. Swain
Comet snored and sputtered in his sleep. He kicked his right
front hoof, and mumbled. "That's it, Fat Boy! Ride the most
evil reindeer of them all!" His body shuddered as he tossed
and turned. "You've been naughty, and now I'm gonna spank
you! I'm gonna spank you hard!"
The door to his stall swung open and Rudolph stormed in, stomping
his hooves. "Comet! Wake up!"
"Huh. Wha--" Comet stammered as he sat up. "Oh,
it's you, Red. Whaddya want?"
"Where is it?" Rudolph demanded.
Comet looked puzzled, while he shook all over and reached back to
bite at his hind quarters. "Where's what?"
"You know what I'm talking about," Rudolph said.
"The stage and the sound equipment for Clausapalooza are
missing, and I know you had something to do with it."
"Red, you flatter me," Comet replied. "You truly
are accepting me as the most evil reindeer of them all."
"Just tell me where the sound equipment is, or I'll bury my
hoof so far up your butt you won't sit down for a month,"
Rudolph threatened.
"Sorry kid, I ain't into fisting," Comet quipped.
"Fuck you, Comet!" Rudolph shouted. "Just fuck
you!"
"In you dreams, maybe," Comet snorted. "I don't
know anything about the stage or the sound equipment. They're
missing, you say?"
"You know they are," Rudolph answered, eyeing Comet
with contempt.
"I'll bet you must look like a complete jackass in front of
all your big Hollywood friends," Comet said, fighting back a
snicker.
"That's it, cocksucker! I'm gonna kick your cotton tailed
ass across the tundra!" Rudolph shouted.
"Nice language," Comet said. "Do you kiss your
mother with that mouth?"
"Fuck you, Comet!" Rudolph shouted, storming out of the
stall.
Comet laughed maniacally.
Meanwhile, up at the main house....
Santa staggered into his office, took a swig of egg nog from his flask and slumped
down in his chair. "Then one foggy Christmas eve, I came to say, Rudolph
with your nose so bright, I'm gonna plow your ass tonight...No, wait, that's
not it. Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you sit on my face tonight!
Aw, fuck it. I don't remember that damn song."
"Apparently not," Claudia Claus said, entering the office with a stack
of last minute faxes. "You drunken sot! Look at this stack of orders you've
got. And here you are, the children's hero, drunk off your ass, again!"
"Claudia, I really don't think you wanna get on my super bitch list this
year," Santa said. He tried to focus on his wife, but was having a great
deal of trouble seeing only one of her.
"I hope Comet is up to leading the sleigh this year, again," Claudia
said, ignoring her husband's comment. "I'll bet he didn't know just how
much you relied on Rudolph to haul your drunken fat butt around the world, did
he?"
"Comet's a team player," Santa said, defending his lead deer. "Unlike
that star fucker, Rudolph. Sure, he has the shiny nose, and all the children
love him, but they don't have to listen to him go on and on about Mariah and
Carson Daly, and now Ben and J-Lo. For crying out loud, you'd think nothing
existed outside of Hollywood."
"Oh lay off the deer," Claudia said. "He's on a star trip, and
you're all just jealous because he's getting the press you used to get."
"I still get the press," Santa said.
"Yeah, I saw the cover of the Enquirer. Illegitimate children all over
the world. That's my philandering husband, offering his candy cane to anyone
who wants a lick. And me, the long suffering wife, sitting at home, faithfully
waiting by the fire," Claudia sighed.
Santa chortled. "Yeah, right! Don't think I don't know about that Christmas
Eve you spend with Keith Richards," he hissed. "Both of you stoned
out of your skulls."
"It was 35 years ago," Claudia said. "You were goosing Shakira
last year!"
"Oh yeah, where ever, when ever, Baby! Remember when you used to be like
that?"
"I still am," Claudia said.
"Just not with me anymore," Santa sighed.
"If you can get through one Christmas Eve flight without cheating, I might
be inclined to be the loving wife I once was," she said.
Santa eyed her suspiciously. "You're up to something, aren't you?"
"Nothing more than anyone else around the Pole," she almost purred.
Meanwhile in Rudolph's office...
"Herme, what am I going to do? I've got divas flying in from all over the
world, all demanding private dressing rooms, green M&M's, unlimited use
of the Jacuzzi, guided tours of the workshops; plus I've got to keep Janet and
Michael and Lisa Marie and Nicholas all separated until the performance, and
I don't have a frigging stage or sound equipment!" Rudolph sighed, laying
his head on Herme's shoulder.
"There, there, baby. Let Herme handle it for you," the elf said, nuzzling
Rudolph's neck. "I can get in touch with the polar bear's union, and have
a new stage here before anyone knows it was missing."
Rudolph raised his head slightly. "You can?"
"Of course I can, Rudy. You need my help, and I have some connections,"
Herme said. "Besides, if I help you out, I know how grateful you'll be
after the show."
Rudolph felt himself blushing. "You're just helping me for sexual favors,"
he said, thinking about how hot Herme looked in a leather harness and studded
leather jockstrap.
"I'm offering to help because I love you," Herme said. "The sexual
favors are only an added plus to the overall pleasure I get from helping you."
And over in the sleigh hanger....
"You really got Rudolph good," Blitzen said, patting Comet on the
back.
"Yeah," Cupid added. "The red-nosed wonder wasn't expecting the
stage and sound equipment to just disappear."
"Nope," Comet replied. "Now get me the polar bear's union. I
wanna make sure all my other disasters are set to go off without a hitch."
Comet danced and pranced about the hanger. "Oh yeah! I'm the most evil
reindeer of them all."