Title: Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw
Author/pseudonym: R.A. Swain
Fandom: Crossover mostly X-Files, hints of Buffy
Paring: Alex/Mulder/Spender, Faith/Drucilla, Xander/Spike
Rating:PG-13
Status: 5/28/00
Archive: Yes, please. You have my permission to archive.
E-mail address for feedback:raswain@internettrash.com
Series: Part of the Lounge Series.
Other websites:
Disclaimers: The characters are not my property. They are used without permission, and are used for the sole intent of entertainment and not for profit. Note other disclaimers at beginning of story.
Notes: An answer to A song challenge on Rare Slash list. Being a big Jimmy Buffett fan AKA Parrothead, I've sprinkled several other song references through the story.
Summary: Spender and Alex talk.
Warnings: Hints, but no real spoilers

Disclaimer: The following story contains adult subject matter. If you are under the age of 21 you should not be reading this and it is illegal for you to possess it. If you read beyond this point, you are claiming to be 21 years of age, and that it is legal for you to possess adult oriented material.

This is a sexually oriented work of fiction. If sex between consenting adults, homosexuality or therein is offensive to you, DO NOT READ IT! By reading beyond this point you are accepting homosexuality and adult oriented material willing.

Why Don't we Get Drunk and Screw?
by R.A. Swain


The lounge was filled for a week night. All the hottest slash realms were there, and even son\me of the more obscure outer realms were in for some R and R. The Professors, Gilligan's and the Nanny's were arguing over the check, as usual. A rare appearance by Captain Kirk with Mr. Spock by his side, was definitely a highlight for many of the younger slash characters who weren't even created when Kirk and Spock were doing the horizontal Vulcan mambo.

Tony Nelson was cruising B.J. Hunnicutt, which Doc Swain knew would never happen, but then again, Heath Barkley was at a corner table with Geordie LaForge. So, Doc surmised, any combination was possible. He allowed the coins to slip from his hand into the jukebox and Jimmy Buffett's voice filled the room. "There's a woman goin' crazy on Caroline Street, stoppin' every man that she does meet, sayin' if you'll be gentle, if you'll be sweet, I'll show you my place on Caroline Street...."

"Doc, you're so sweet to play a theme song for me," Drucilla said, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug.

"Dru, it's good to see you." Doc pried himself from her grip.

"Has my date arrived yet?"

Doc looked quizzical. "Date?"

"Faith, the evil one."

Doc's eyes widened. "You're seeing Faith?'

"If my Angel can sleep with a slayer, so can I," Dru said.

"Hey Doc," Faith said entering behind Dru. "Hello Baby." She took Dru's hand in hers. "Nice music."

"You like songs about crazy women?" Doc said with a smirk.

"It's better than the broken hearted stuff Brittany Spears songs are made of," she replied. The vampire and the evil slayer took seats at the bar next to an older gray haired man. "So, you wanna be my daddy for a few hours?"

Doc fought back a smile. "Joe Dawson, allow me to introduce you to Faith, the evil slayer."

"Little girl, you need more than a daddy," Joe said. He turned back to his scotch.

"And this is her companion, Drucilla."

Joe nodded.

"He's no fun," Faith said turning her attention back to Doc. "When's the band go on?"

"About 10." Doc poured her a drink, and handed Drucilla a mug.

"Wanna go torment Xander?" Faith said to Dru. "He's over there, drinking alone. We could tease him with sexual innuendo about Willow and Tara." She watched Joe for a reaction and was disappointed when she received none. She took the drink Doc poured for her and walked away without another word, Dru in tow.

"Classy girl," Joe said.

"You're been spoiled by women like Amanda, with hundreds of years of refinement," Doc said.

Joe turned to look around the lounge. "Impressive crowd."

"It's the live entertainment that draws them in. The Bob Robert's Society Band always packs 'em in. They don't play grunge, and they don't play loud." Doc replied.

"Yo! Doc! Another pitcher of brew!" Xander Harris called from across the room.

Doc shook his head and put a pitcher under the tap. "I wish he'd work things out with Spike."

"The kid's got it bad," Joe commented. "Maybe I should introduce him to Methos. Ever since Richie went off with Cory Raines, he's been moping around."

"Well, the age difference won't bother Xander, he tends to like them older," Rupert Giles said, joining the conversation from the other end of the bar.

"You would know about his attraction to older men," Faith chimed in, placing an empty glass on the bar. "Another, Doc."

Dru perched on the stool next to Giles and eyed him with Satanic intent, but said nothing.

"Faith, it's always a pleasure, when you leave." Giles said, "When will that be?"

"Faith, leave Giles alone," Angel said, coming up beside his date for the evening. "Hello Rupert," he said before planting a long wet kiss on his hungry lips. "Hi Dru."

"Angel," she said.

"I suppose all that dull knowledge can be exciting," Faith said.

"Warm beer and bread, they say can raise the dead." Giles said with a smile. "And it's fun to get certain rises out of the dead."

"Dead boy likes dull guys," Faith hissed. "At least he's more exciting than Wesley." She took her fresh drink and headed off with Dru to torment Xander for awhile.

"She's never seen the way Wes uses a whip," Angel said.

"I taught him all he knows." Giles took Angel's hand and licked the palm. "Let's find a nice quiet table.

Doc handed Angel a mug. "98.6 just like you like it," he said.

"Thanks Doc." Angel took the mug and let Rupert lead him to a table far from Faith's sour attitude.

Doc turned to see Seven of Nine entering the bar. Her usual skin tight leotard appeared even tighter tonight. "Greetings Doc. Have you seen B'Lana. We have an appointment to...."

"Discuss thermonuclear dynamics of quantum theorem?" Doc asked, winking.

"No, we are going to practice Klingon female mating rituals."

Joe actually blushed. "She's not one for clichés, is she?"

"Nope. She's a say what you mean and mean what you say kind of woman," Doc said. "Refill?"

"I'm good. I'll have more when Mac get's here."

"Hi boys, have I missed the show?" Dana Scully asked, joining Doc and Joe at the bar.

"Depends on which show you're talking about," Joe said, gesturing across the room toward Xander, Faith and Drucilla, who seemed to be arguing.

"We also have Jeffrey Spender in Margaritaville since early this afternoon."

Dana scanned the bar. "Let me guess. Alex?"

"He and Mulder had another who-does-Alex-like-more discussion last night, and Mulder won when he was called away to slash with Alex."

"And Jeffy boy got the Lone Gunmen," Fox Mulder said, joining them. "All three, in an S and M slash. Oh Lordy, spank me!"

"Mulder, you're gloating," Dana said. She was distracted by a tall long haired blonde walking in with a shorter oriental woman. "Oops, my dates are here. Bye boys." She waved to the two women and gestured toward a back booth.

Mulder's eyes widened as he saw Scully greet both women with passionate kisses. "Walter never greets me like that in public," he said.

"But I do, Baby," Alex Krychek said grabbing him from behind. He spun him around and planted a sloppy wet kiss on his Fox.

When he came up for air, Mulder noticed a blond man at Alex's side. "So, who's the blond stranger?"

Alex regained his breath. "Spike, Baby, I want you to meet Foxy Baby," he said, by way of introductions. "Doc, a Stoli for me, and Dewars and an O negative for my two studs."

"Feeling generous tonight, Alex?" Doc asked.

"Always. There's plenty of me to go around tonight."

"Don't count on it lover," Mulder said, eyeing Spike like a green-eyed monster.

Alex scanned the bar, as did Spike. They both spied their wannabe lovers. "Excuse me," Alex said. He nodded toward Jeffrey.

"Me too," Spike said, heading toward Xander.

"I love a pre-show entertainment," Doc said.

Spike flopped down in the chair opposite Xander, who looked up. Faith and Drucilla had moved on to a more vulnerable torment in Principal Snyder, who was attempting to win the favors of a British butler named Niles.

"Am I still your nummy treat?" Xander asked.

"Oh, you're very nummy."

Xander smiled through his alcoholic haze. "You're face don't look too clear," he said. "Maybe I've had just a few too many pitchers of brew."

"Did I ever tell you certain types of blood can make me drunk?"

Xander smiled. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, why don't we get drunk and screw?" Spike reached out to take Xander's hand in his.

"Are you finished with the spy?"

"For now. You?"

"For now." Xander looked across the room toward Jeffrey Spender.

Spender sat staring at Alex. "I really do appreciate the fact you're sittin' here," he said.

"I'm here because I want to be."

"Your voice sounds so wonderful," Spender said with a slight slur.

"Will you get over the me and Fox thing?" Alex asked.

"Come Monday, it'll be okay," Spender replied. "If you spend the entire weekend with me."

"Well, that's definitely a change in attitude." Alex shifted. "I thought I'd never get back in your bed."

"You think I'd give up that body so easily?" Spender asked.

Alex smirked to himself. "Yeah, right. Frankenstein has nothing on this body of mine."

"It's perfect too me."

Alex felt himself fighting an uncomfortable feeling of gratitude. "You forgive me for your father?"

"I'm more upset about you and my possibly half-brother," Spender replied. "Barmaid, another pitcher of Margaritas."

Flo scribbled on her checkpad and shook her head. She hated her late evening shifts at the lounge, but waiting tables made ends meet when the money was short. "Doc, another round for stud muffin and spy guy," she called out.

Alex shook his head. "You FBI guys really are dense. Why don't you and Fox take a DNA test?"

"What for?" Spender asked.

"So you'll know if you really are related."

"The only relationship I want to know about is you and I."

"Me and you," Alex said.

"Don't try to give me English lessons, Lexi," Spender replied through his drunken haze.

"Looks like I've got a long way to go to catch up," Alex Said.
"I'll always wait for you." Spender's voice shook a bit when he said it, wishing he could take it back the second the words hit the air.

"See if you feel that way manana," Alex said.

"It's always manana with you," Jeff replied. "Don't say manana if you don't mean it."

"Why do you think I never mean what I say?"

"Because you're Alex Krychek, master liar. When was the last time you said something honest?"

"I came here of my own free will. I didn't have to come, but I felt safe with you, and I want to feel safe again."

"What about Fox?"

"What about him?"

"Are you saying you'll choose me over Fox?" Spender couldn't believe his ears.

"Why do I have to choose? I want both of you, and I think Fox would be amicable to that arrangement." Alex finally picked up the glass Flo had set in front of him, and sipped at it.

"And I'm supposed to just go along with it?" Spender was a bit surprised by the suggestion, and not completely turned off by it.

"Hi Spender," Fox Mulder said taking the seat next to his possible half-brother. His eyes secretly looked for any sign of family resemblance. The nose could, if looked at in the proper light with the right amount of alcohol in the system, be similar, he thought.

"I had suspected you died in some cosmic shipwreck," Spender said, glaring at Mulder.

"Suspected or hoped?"

"Either one."

"You won't believe me if I said I was visiting my cousin in Miami?"

"Mulder, you're too much of a fruitcake to have relatives in Miami or anywhere else," Spender said.

"Does that mean we're not related?"

"Do you know what pretty boy here is suggesting?" Spender asked. He was starting to feel sober and didn't like the feeling.
"Yes, I do. Actually, it was my idea," Mulder said. He placed a hand on Spender's thigh, and didn't move it.

Spender's eyes widened. He looked down at the hand on his thigh, and up into Mulder's eyes. "You? You suggested a threesome with me?"

"Call it curiosity," Mulder replied. "Call it possible incest. Call it sick and demented. I don't care what you call it, as long as you agree to it." His hand moved up the thigh ever-so-slightly, stopping just below the growing bulge in Spender's slacks.

"What makes you think I wanna sleep with you? I think you're ego problems are getting thick and hazy," he said.

"Oh come on Jeffrey. I know you want me as much as I want you. Maybe more so. I overheard you talking in your sleep when I walked into your office last year. You wanted to give me your 'Big Spender'," Mulder said, his fingers reaching forward until they reached their objective. "What'll it take for you to accept the possibility of the pleasure we could have?"

Alex moved his chair closer to Mulder's and was rubbing his hand lightly over Mulder's bulging crotch. "How about one more pitcher?"

"Come on bro," Mulder said. "What don't we get drunk and screw?"

"Why should we?" Spender asked, not doing anything to stop Mulder's fingers from kneading his crotch.

"So I'll know what made Alex want to be with you to begin with, and you'll know what makes me the right choice for Alex." Mulder locked eyes with Spender.

"Oh the Mighty Fox is about to get royally screwed," Spender said. "Let's go."

"You don't want another drink?" Mulder asked.

"Oh no. I wanna sober up a bit and then show you why once you've had Jeffrey Spender, you'll never be the same." Spender leaned forward, placed his hands behind Mulder's neck and pulled him forward until their lips met. He forced his tongue in between Mulder's tight lips and kissed him long and hard. When they separated all eyes in the lounge were on them.

Mulder caught his breath and looked at Alex, who was smiling. "I'm gonna enjoy watching the two of you," Alex said. He stood up and grabbed Spender from one side while Mulder took him from the other side and they exited the bar.

"So Doc, what frightens you? Vampires, mummies, and the Holy Ghost?" Joe Dawson asked.

"Not near as much as horny muses with too much time on their hands," Doc replied.


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