Title: Transference
Author/pseudonym: R. A. Swain
Fandom:Crossover Slash Sex In The City/Queer As Folk/X-Files/Twilight Zone
Paring: Well, er, read the notes.
Rating: Mature Audience
Status: New 2/12/02
Archive: Yes, please. You have my permission to archive.
E-mail address for feedback: raswain@internettrash.com
Series/Sequel: No.
Other websites: docswainslounge.warped.com (mirror site)
Disclaimers: The characters are not my property. They are used without permission,
and are used for the sole intent of entertainment and not for profit. Note other
disclaimers at beginning of story.
Notes: This was just something that came to me. It may still be a bit confusing,
but I just had to write it. A special homage to the Twilight Zone episode Monsters
Are Due On Maple Street also figures in.
Summary: The girls of Sex In The City swap bodies with the guys of Queer As
Folk, and Special Agents Scully, Reyes and Doggett try to sort it out.
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: The following story contains adult subject matter. If you are under
the age of 21 you should not be reading this and it is illegal for you to possess
it. If you read beyond this point, you are claiming to be 21 years of age, and
that it is legal for you to possess adult oriented material.
This is a sexually oriented work of fiction. If sex between consenting adults,
homosexuality or therein is offensive to you, DO NOT READ IT! By reading beyond
this point you are accepting homosexuality and adult oriented material willing.
Transference
by R. A. Swain
Dana Scully walked down the long hallway and paused outside the observation
room door. Her hesitation wasn't fear, but more of a desire for self-preservation.
She knew, the moment she opened the door and entered the room, she would be
pulled back into an x-file, and just having to deal with anything more unusual
than changing diapers and cleaning up spit up, was outside her realm of possibilities
at the present. Yet, here she was standing on the threshold of her life, knowing
she was going to open the door, knowing she was going to be swept up in an x-file,
knowing her sanity was going to go to the dogs, or to Doggett to be more precise,
if what she read in his preliminary report was accurate.
She took a deep breath and opened the door. The room was dimly lighted with
bright halogen bulbs in a couple of desk lamps. She always hated the decor of
these rooms, but they served their purpose, so she didn't dwell on the bad taste
in decorating. "Agent Doggett, Agent Reyes," she greeted her summoners.
"Scully, I'm glad you decided to come," John Doggett said, standing
to greet her. "I need a voice of reason on this case."
"Dana, it's good to see you," Monica Reyes said. "You look well."
"Thank you, I feel well," Dana replied. She glanced at the glass wall
with the mirror panel shielding them from the eyes of the eight people in the
adjoining room. Slowly she moved around the conference table in the middle of
the room and stopped by the wall, looking through the glass. "These are
the victims?"
"More like a bunch of loonies," John Doggett mumbled.
"Perhaps, but according to the report you sent me, this is much more than
madness," Dana said. She gestured toward people in the next room. "Introductions?"
Monica stepped forward. "Let's start with the frizzy haired bleached blonde,"
she said.
"How do you know it's bleached?" Agent Doggett asked.
Both Dana and Monica turned to face him. "It's bleached," they said
in unison. Turning back to the glass, Monica began her rundown of the victims.
"She claims to be a man named Michael Novotny, from Pittsburgh. Her finger
prints identify her as Carrie Bradshaw, a New York resident and columnist, mostly
writing about her and her friends sex lives."
"Interesting," Dana said. "And this man she claims to be?"
"He's over there," Monica said, pointing to a handsome young man with
short cropped dark hair, sitting quietly, chewing a nicoderm gum to calm her
nerves. "He swears he is Carrie Bradshaw."
"You know he's gay," Agent Doggett said. "Hell, all those men
in there are gay, and who knows about the women?"
"Homophobia, agent Doggett?" Dana asked.
"No Ma'am. I fully believe everyone has a right to live their lives as
they please. I just don't understand it," he replied.
"He's just uncomfortable because both the tall blonde woman and the blonde
man next to her, incidentally also similar switched as Mr. Novotny and Ms. Bradshaw,
made passes at him," Monica said, as an explanation for her partner's agitated
demeanor. "Those two are, respectively, Samantha Jones, a New York PR agent,
and Brian Kinney, a Pittsburgh ad exec. They also seem to be the two who are
taking this situation with the most calm."
"He's all hands," Doggett interjected.
"Mr. Kinney?" Dana asked.
"No, her. Ms. Jones. Only she swears she's him," Doggett said gesturing
toward Mr. Kinney.
Dana nodded. "Continue, agent Reyes."
"The remaining victims are, Charlotte York-McDougal, a divorced housewife.
She's in the body of that tall, slightly effeminate looking young man, who is
Emmett Hunicutt, and is currently residing in her body. the one with the long
dark hair," Monica continued. "And finally we have Theodore "Ted"
Schmidt, current in the body, so to speak, of Miranda Hobbes, the one with short
red hair."
Dana drew a deep breath. "Now all of these people have somehow switch bodies
with each other, according to the preliminary report filed by agent Doggett."
"Yes," Monica said. "Apparently, the four women were at a prominent
New York gay club called Train."
"And the men?" Dana asked.
"Were at a similar gay club called Babylon, in Pittsburgh," Monica
continued.
"Are the women lesbians?" Dana asked.
"Oh no," Doggett replied. "Although Samantha Jones seems to be
willing to swing whatever way for a thrill."
"Ms. Jones, the woman?" Dana asked.
"No, Mr. Kinney, I mean, his body, her mind," Doggett answered.
"Gee John, maybe you should take her up on it," Monica said. "After
all, if it's a woman trapped in a man's body, then it wouldn't be gay."
Doggett huffed and grumbled, and glanced back toward the adjoining room. "Ha
ha, very funny. You're just jealous because all of the people in that room want
to have sex with me," he said.
"Uh huh," Dana said. "Okay, so when did anyone first notice something
was wrong?"
"Mr. Hunicutt, well, his body, in the bar in Pittsburgh, began screaming.
He was in a restroom at the time, and he, or rather his body was screaming,
but it was really Mrs. McDougal, who suddenly realized she was in a man's body."
"Her statement was gibberish," Dana said. "Something about never
being able to conceive?"
"Yes, she was the most incoherent," Monica said. "Apparently,
Mr. Hunicutt was doing a bit better, adjusting to his new body very well, until
he was rejected by several regulars at the New York establishment once they
discovered he, or rather his body, was really a woman."
"This is all very confusing." Dana said. "Would it be okay for
me to go in there and interview them myself?"
"I'm not going back in there," Doggett said.
"John, we'll protect you," Monica replied. "Besides, you have
a calming effect on at least half of them."
"Calming? If either of the tall blondes grope me again, I'm gonna deck
'em. I don't care whose body they are inhabiting."
"Fine, let's go," Dana said.
In the next room eight very confused people were sitting around, alternating
staring at each other, and at their own new reflections in the mirror.
"I love this dress," Emmett said, running his hands over the soft
white spaghetti strapped silk dress conforming to his new hips. "And your
body," he said to Charlotte, in his own body, "is so sleek. You also
have great cheekbones."
"Thank you," Charlotte replied. "This is just so strange, to
be talking to myself, and to be in someone else's body."
"I kind of like," Brian said, admiring himself in the mirror.
"Of course you do," Ted snapped. "You've spent most of your life
invading someone else's body on a nightly basis."
"Really?" Samantha mused. "I think I could like being a man for
awhile."
"Being one, doing one, it's all the same to you," Charlotte said.
"It is kind of intriguing," Ted said. "I mean, it does give us
a chance to see how the other half lives. Although, and no offense Miranda,
you've got a slight paunch going on here."
"That's because I'm pregnant, you idiot!" Miranda shouted. "Or
at least, I was pregnant. Now you're pregnant. Oh, what a relief. I was really
dreading the thought of labor pains."
A look of panic washed over Miranda's face as Ted realized exactly what she
was saying. "Pregnant?! You mean--"
"Yup Teddy," Brian interjected, "even when you switch bodies
you still don't stand a chance of getting laid."
"You guys, this isn't funny," Carrie said, crossing and uncrossing
Michael's legs. She turned to face her own body. "How do you men do this?"
she asked Michael.
"Do what?" He countered.
"Cross your legs with a penis?" she asked.
"Hey, don't hurt anything!" Michael said. "I want my body back
unharmed."
"Easy champ," Samantha said to Michael. She turned it Carrie. "Is
he as well hung as I am?"
Brian's ear's perked up, as did everyone else's ears. "Well," Carrie
began. "It's difficult to tell."
"It is not!" Michael said.
The door opened and the two FBI agents who escorted them to this room somewhere
in Maryland, entered along with another woman.
"Everyone, this is special agent Dana Scully. She's a medical doctor, and
an expert in x-files," Monica said, by way of introduction. "She would
like to ask some questions."
"Are we ever gonna get food?" Ted asked. "I'm starving."
"You're eating for two now," Brian teased.
"If I weren't a lady," Ted said.
Brian stood up in Samantha's body. "You wouldn't hit a lady, now would
you?"
"We can take him," Samantha said to Brian.
"Enough," Dana said. "There will be no violence."
"How about that food?" Ted asked again.
"And when can I get a cigarette break?" Carrie asked.
"I though you quit?" Charlotte inquired.
Carrie made a sweeping gestured with her hands up and down Michael's body in
which her mind was residing. "Charlotte, I think the stress of this is
reason enough to go off the wagon."
"Great," Michael said. "now my mouth with taste like an ashtray."
"Agent Doggett, don't you smoke?" Monica asked.
"No! I quit," Doggett said quickly. "It's a bad habit. Mr. Novotny
is right, Ms. Bradshaw. You don't want to put a cigarette in his mouth."
Carrie sighed. "Aidan wouldn't like it anyway."
"Who's Aidan?" Michael asked.
"My boyfriend," She replied. "How am I going to explain turning
into a man?"
"Trey won't even notice me," Charlotte sighed.
"Trey?" Emmett asked.
"My soon to be ex-husband. Not that the sex will change any," she
sighed again.
"Hell, now the two of you can whack off in the bathroom together,"
Samantha said. "Speaking of which, do we get a bathroom break?"
Charlotte huffed and sighed. "Trey has some issues."
"In a moment, Ms. Jones, " Dana said, ignoring Charlotte's defense
of her husband. "I'd like to establish exactly what each of you were doing
at the time of your transference. We'll just go around the room. Ms. Bradshaw,
you start."
"I was dancing with a gay friend of mine," Carrie said.
"Me too," Michael said.
"He wasn't a friend," Ted said.
"He would've been," Michael replied.
"Okay," Dana prompted. "Ms. Hobbes?"
"I was ordering a drink," Miranda said.
"Me too," Ted said.
"Mr. Hunicutt?" Dana continued.
"I was in the men's room, with a friend," Emmett said.
"You have no idea with it's like to suddenly be a man in a men's room and
look down to see another man going down on you," Charlotte said.
"I do," Brian said.
"Me too," Michael added.
"Ditto," Ted said.
"Well, that's when I started screaming," Charlotte said.
"And what had you been doing prior to--to the scene you described?"
Dana asked.
"I had been in the restroom also," Charlotte replied, quickly adding,
"not doing anything sexual."
"Pity," Brian said.
"And Mr. Kinney?" Dana asked.
"I was in the back room having sex with a muscle stud," Brian said.
Everyone looked at him for a moment before Dana moved on.
"Ms. Jones?" she asked.
"Well, I was going down on this handsome bisexual who pulled me into a
stall in the restroom along with another man," Samantha said.
"I think we've just established why it took several hours for Mr. Kinney
and Ms. Jones to discover their changes," Dana said.
"Oh no," Samantha said. "I knew right away. I was just having
too much fun to quit. I figured it was either a fantastic hallucination or I'd
some how crossed over to wonderland and I was going with the pleasure."
"It figures, she switched bodies with someone exactly like herself,"
Miranda said.
"For the record," Brian said, "I stopped having sex almost immediately."
"Almost?" Michael asked.
"Well, The guy she'd been with was bisexual, so we only did it a few more
times," Brian answered with a smile.
Dana shook her head. "It seems each of you has switched bodies with what
appears to be an exact emotional counterpart," she said.
"Really?" Miranda asked. "So, Ted, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm an accountant. You?" he countered.
"A corporate lawyer," she said.
"Until the baby comes," Brian added, watching Ted wince.
"I do PR," Samantha said.
"Advertising," Brian said.
"I used to work in this lovely art gallery," Charlotte put in, "until
I quit my job to be a wife."
"Oh, an art gallery," Emmett said. "That sounds like fun. I'm
a window dresser. I dress the mannequins in store windows."
"You work with clothes?" Charlotte asked.
"Yes, isn't it fabulous?" Emmett replied.
"That explains this beautiful sweater," Charlotte said, running her
hand over the sleeve of the cashmere sweater adorning Emmett's body.
"Michael?" Carrie asked.
Michael glanced down at the table. "I'm an assistant manager at the Big
Q."
"Okay, we are not counterparts," Carrie said.
"Why? What do you do?" Michael asked.
"I'm a writer," Carrie said. "Don't they have newspapers in Pittsburgh?"
"Oh my God!" Emmett shrieked. "You're that Carrie Bradshaw. I
read your column on-line all the time."
"You do?" Carrie beamed.
"Great," Michael said. "I can't be a writer. And how am I going
to go to work in this body?"
"It would get a rise out of your boss," Brian said.
"I don't want to get that kind of rise out of him," Michael said.
"And how are you going to explain your sudden lack of penis to Justin?"
"Whose Justin?" Samantha asked.
"His teenage lover," Ted said.
"Teenage? I like the sound of that," Samantha said.
"You would," Charlotte hissed. "He's just another man who can't
age gracefully and find someone with whom he has more in common."
"He's gay," Samantha said. "He's found another man. How much
more do you want in common."
"What could they have to talk about?" Charlotte asked.
Samantha fought back a laugh. "I know what I'll be doing with a teenager,
and it won't be talking."
"He's almost as good in bed as I am," Brian confided to his body.
Doggett shook his head. "All you people have talked about since you've
been here is sex," he said. "Don't you have other things to discuss?"
"Like what?" Samantha asked.
"He's right," Carrie said. "How are we going to go beck to our
lives in these bodies?"
"Hey!" Michael said.
"Sorry," Carrie countered. "I meant it in a nice way."
"She's right," Charlotte sighed. "If I had any chance of getting
Trey back it was shot when this happened."
"What's Trey like?" Emmett asked.
"He's an impotent Park Avenue doctor with a penchant for porn," Samantha
said, haranguing her friend's husband.
"He is not!" Charlotte said. "Well, not exactly. I mean, well,
he does have difficulty in the bedroom, and pornography does help him, but he's
not impotent."
"Of course not honey," Carrie said. "Let's focus on us for a
moment, shall we?"
"Yes," Charlotte agreed. "How do we switch back?"
All eyes turned to Dana Scully.
She shrugged. "I don't know. I can't figure out how all of this happened
to begin with, so I can't correct it, if it even is correctable."
"Are you saying we could stay this way forever?" Ted asked.
"Don't worry, Teddy," Brian said. "You'll get to experience the
joys of childbirth. How many men can say that."
"I'm starving," Ted said. "I can just see it now, I'm going to
lose my figure and end up like my mother."
"At least you can have a baby," Charlotte sighed.
"This may not last that long," Dana said. "It happened suddenly,
and could just as suddenly reverse itself."
"What are we supposed to do until then? " Ted asked. "I can't
go on living as a pregnant woman. I don't have the hips for it."
"Teddy, relax, take deep breaths," Emmett said moving to his friend's
side.
"You know," Samantha said to Brian. "This presents us with the
chance of a lifetime."
"It does?" Brian was puzzled, but quickly saw where she was going.
"You're right. Um, agent Scully, you don't suppose Samantha and I could
get a bathroom break now, do you? I'm really not used to this."
"Of Course," Dana said. "you all can have a break. We'll get
escorts in here."
"Only if they're cute," Samantha said.
"And male," Brian added.
Dana left the room followed by agents Reyes and Doggett.
"So now what do we do?" Doggett asked.
"I haven't the faintest," Dana said. "Their medical records show
perfectly healthy bodies, and minds. The only problem seems to be the bodies
the minds are now residing in."
"You don't think this is some kind of weird conspiracy, or alien experiment,
do you?" Monica asked.
"Why would aliens pick these eight people to experiment on?" Dana
asked.
"Who knows," Monica replied. "They may have run out of options.
Besides, do these people seem likely to attract attention if an alien experiment
went haywire?"
Meanwhile, in a restroom stall down the hallway.
"Oh God!" Brian moaned. "I am good, even in a woman's body."
"I ain't too shabby myself," Samantha said.
"You've done this before," Brian said. " I can tell. You have
a strap-on, don't you?"
"A few," Samantha panted. "I know how to move."
"Oh yes, give it to me!" Brian screamed. "Harder!"
And in a small lounge area just outside of the building.
"I really wish you wouldn't smoke with my mouth," Michael said.
"You should try it," Carrie said. "It'll calm your nerves. Here."
She held out the cigarette.
"I don't know," Michael said, tentatively reaching out for the cigarette
Carrie extended to him.
And in a hallway inside the building.
"How do you stand the backache? " Ted asked, watching his body lean
over a water fountain.
Miranda drank in the cool water, and stood up. "It's a bitch. The bloating
and gas pains are worse." She took a paper cup from the dispenser by the
water fountain, filled it and handed it to her body. "Here, you need a
drink."
"Thanks," Ted said, accepting the drink.
And back in the interrogation room.
"Once we get these bodies switched back, you try that little trick I told
you about, and Trey will never be limp in bed again," Emmett said.
"Oh thank you, Emmett, but do you really think we'll get switched back?"
Charlotte asked.
"I hope so. Although, you do have a fabulous body, and I've got this dress,
back home in Pittsburgh, that'll look fabulous on you, er, me."
Charlotte laughed and hugged Emmett. At that moment she was suddenly back in
her own body.
And in the hallway by the water fountain.
I don't believe it," Ted said. "This feels wonderful. I'm me again."
"Yea," Miranda said. "You couldn't have waited until after I
gave birth?"
"Sorry, nope," Ted said. "What happened?"
"It must have happened when your fingers touched mine, when I handed you
the glass of water," Miranda said.
And outside in the smoking area.
Carrie and Michael were hugging and jumping up and down. "This is wonderful,"
Carrie said.
"Yeah, we're ourselves again," Michael said. "I'm so happy."
"Me too," Carrie said. "And you know what? I'm gonna try to quit
smoking again."
And in the restroom stall.
"Oh yeah! That was fantastic," Samantha said. "Brian, it's too
bad you're gay. I could get used to this being in me."
"I know what you mean. I never really knew how good I was until I had myself,"
he said.
And on a hilltop overlooking the FBI building.
"It seems this experiment has failed," Number One said.
"No," replied Number Two. "It may not have created the havoc
we anticipated, but it showed us not all humans panic when strange things begin
to happen."
"We will have to try this again with new test subjects," said Number
One. "There are millions of gay bars in the world."
Number Two laughed and went back to observing the monitor before him.