Chris should date: Drew Barrymore
Chris should date: Drew Barrymore
Why: she's small, cute and funny. If she can handle Tom Green, she can certainly handle Kirkpatrick.
What keeps them together: she's not put off by Chris waking her up in the middle of the night to make her try on new Fuman outfits. It's nothing compared to the cow heads Tom used to leave on her pillow.
What breaks them up: she's too wild for him. After she flashes David Letterman for the second time, Chris has to explain that he's the crazy one in the relationship, and, dude, this town's too small for two sheriffs.
JC should date: Angelina Jolie
Why: she's sexy, scary, and she thinks mutual masturbation and cybersex are so junior high.
What keeps them together: the silver chain that connects their matching nipple clamps.
What breaks them up: she wants to drink his blood, and whips out a hypodermic needle to drain some off. JC faints dead away.
Joey should date: Susie Bright
Why: a hot older woman, she knows way more about sex than he does, and she can give him tips on rearing healthy children in a polyamorous environment.
What keeps them together: Joey can't believe his luck in dating a woman who writes for Playboy and encourages him to sleep around.
What breaks them up: monogamy isn't her thing. Joey feels that he has a monopoly on hoing around. Susie laughs at him and walks out. He was kind of dumb for her, anyway.
Justin should date: Beyonce Knowles
Why: she's fantastically hot, she can sing, and she knows all about being the group diva.
What keeps them together: shared experience with hair-relaxing treatments and jealous group members.
What breaks them up: Beyonce refuses to let Justin have the first verse on their duet.
Lance should date: Danny
Why:just LOOK AT HIM! They'd be the cutest couple ever. They'd go out and have coffee and get haircuts and stuff. And you'd be all "Awwww!"
What keeps them together: they both have perfect hair. They can bond over Aveda product reviews.
What breaks them up: Danny leaves him when he discovers that Lance looks really stupid in aviators.