One fine day I was sleepy and about to go to bed (I may or may not have been in the "normal" stage of my sleep cycle) when I checked the Café message board and spotted a "you have almost convinced me to buy the Dream CD" comment.
Red flag, bull, I'm there.
Stop whatever you're doing. Go to Amazon. Buy it. Right now.
Not convinced? Okay. Prepare yourself.
No, not for the human beatbox, you losers! For me to convince you that Dream rocks. Really, really hard.
DREAM
Aren't they cute? They're not just cute, they're feisty and peppy and slightly bitchy. Now this is how I want my Bad Pop, people. Exactly like this. Clockwise from bottom left: Holly, Ashley, Diana and Melissa. Dream is a "manufactured" group (which means that they don't lie about how they got together) out of the Bad Boy stables. They're the brainchild of Sean Combs. That's right, people. Those adorable girls were signed and polished by Puff Daddy, who faces some hard time as we speak.
THE DREAMY GIRLS
That's Holly. She sings lead, sorta. She has cool hair. She's built like a normal female human being, although she's currently pulling a JC. (Hey… I just realized that JC and Jenny Craig have the same initials… Hmmm.) But she used to look unskinny, which was cool, especially since she's way cute. Her official site blurb says that she's "The emotional rebel who can paint a picture with her voice", and while I have no idea what that means, she can really belt that shit out. She's 15.
That's Diana. She was the last one to join the group. She's Holly's bud. She has cute hair. I'm assuming she's vaguely Hispanic: her last name is Ortiz. She's cute as a fucking button. She's 15. She likes carbs.
That's Melissa. At sixteen, she's almost incredibly old. But she makes up for it by being dismayingly perky.
That's Ashley. She's the spunky one. She has cute hair. I'm sensing a theme. Hey. Isn't that Lance's shirt? She found out about the Dream audition after calling 1 800 Be A Star. But we forgive her. She's 15. Her favorite color is baby blue. AHAHAHA.
IT WAS ALL A DREAM
It Was All A Dream is Dream's debut CD. It kicks motherfucking ass. NSYNC only wishes they were this cool. They have a small problem where they like to stick on hyper-annoying interludes, but I can deal with it, because the songs rock. Hard. The album starts with, what else, an intro. Are Bad Pop groups allowed to not have intros these days? Is anyone? Do they not understand that, if you listen to a CD more than once, that dumb intro gets skipped? But, okay, this one doesn't suck too terribly. They introduce themselves. They do this more than once. I guess they're worried we'll get them confused with Destiny's Child. Ah! The first real track!
He Loves U Not
You've heard it. It kicks ass and takes no prisoners. When I figured out how young these girls were, I was surprised. I'm guessing they didn't write this song, but the way they belt out the lyrics might just make you believe they know what they're talking about. They're secure young ladies. They don't bother worrying about chicks trying to steal their men, because they know they're all that and a bag of chips. Man, check it out: feminism in the new millenium. I dig.
Best line: "He's into what he's got, take your best shot. He loves me, he loves you not." Or maybe "He ain't got his hands tied." Actually, it's got a plethora of good lines. It's just cool, I'm telling you.
In My Dreams
Puffy introduces the girls yet again. We hadn't actually forgotten them, Sean, but thanks. This one is a little edgier. It's got a kind of grinding beat, and Holly, at least I'm guessing it's Holly, is sorta growly. These girls may be girls, but they're not wimpy. It's also got this eerie… mandolin-type instrument in the background.
Best line: "Wish that I could get the nerve up, walk right up to you and ask you baby for your name."
This Is Me
It's okay. I'm not crazy about it. It's a little too Stand By My Man for my tastes. But it's still slightly bitchy. Fuck, these girls rock. Even when I don't like them, I like them.
Best line: "Stop making me feel bad, I'm the best thing you ever had."
I Don't Like Anyone
Now that's what I'm talkin' bout! Bad Pop at it's finest. It's also about adolescent crushes and related grumpiness, which we all suffer from on occasion. But they're unapologetic about it. Knock knock! Who's there? Self-esteem! Self-esteem who? Shut the fuck up.
Best line: "It's not as if I'm hard to please, you're the only one good enough for me."
Reality (interlude)
This really, really annoys me. They're having a little conversation about how the one chick's boyfriend "took his new neighbor to the mall". They all think that's a clear sign he's playing her. I don't know if I would have reached that conclusion, personally.
Pain
More bitching! Teen angst, sure, but of the "I'll get over your lame ass" variety. Dream may suffer from heartache, but they don't wallow in it. It's okay. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I skip it. The chorus is repetitive. Ashley lays down a rap. Don't do that again. But, I have to admit, the sentiment she expresses in the lame rap is kind of kickass.
Best line: "You're gonna regret this for the rest of your life, 'cause I'm goin' on tour, I'm about to blow up, you'll see me on TV and know you messed up." HA! Take that, you loser.
When I Get There
Okay, it's ballady, but I like it. A lot. It's sort of the sequel to Pain. They're in a sucky relationship, and they're going to move on. They're wondering when they'll be over it, and if they'll ever find someone nice. But they have faith they'll meet a really great guy. There's a scary mention of getting married, but I can deal.
Best line: "I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going, and I'll know it when I get there."
What We Gonna Do About Us
This should be their next single. It has a classic intro. This needs just a very slight tweaking, perhaps by Puff, if he stays out of the pen, and it'll be burning up the dancefloors. The lyrics are sort of lame. It's a kind of lament straight from the teen mind, wondering if the guy she likes is going to commit, etc, etc. I forgive it, because you can dance to it.
Best line: eh. I couldn't find one. Sorry.
Jordan (interlude)
Jordan is dating all four Dream girls. He had a date with each one on the same day, and stood them all up. In their own personal style, each Dreamgirl leaves a message on his machine, wondering where he was, and mentioning that they'll be at the studio later. Then Ashley calls him and bitches him out for playing them. See ya!
It's annoying and stupid.
Mr. Telephone
Am I allowed to not like this? It's old school, I know, so I should, but I don't. They're being played by their man, and his new woman hangs up the phone whenever they call, but they haven't figured this out. They're complaining to the operator that whenever they call his house, they get a click. Here's a dollar. Go buy a clue.
Best line: Um. I guess… No. I can't pick one. I don't like it. Sorry. They sound nice, however. As always.
Angel Inside
Puff does a grunting cameo on this one. Now this is Dirty Pop. Listen and you'll understand what I mean. It's very R&B. You bop your head, even if you don't want to. They're telling us how their man makes them feel good and stuff. I don't think they mean it in a sexual way. Dude! Stop thinking dirty thoughts! They're fifteen! Oh, shit. Shit. Now I realize that you actually can interpret the lyrics in a porny way.
Fuck you, JC. Fuck you.
Best line: I've tainted them all. Nevermind.
Do You Wanna Dance
Funky! Old school. Get yo groove on. Does the song mean anything? Nope. That's just the way I like it. But it's another Bitch Pop statement. These girls don't stand around waiting for boys to ask them to get down. They march up and ask him themselves. Rock on, Dreamgirls. Rock on.
Best line: Slim pickins, here. Sort of like trying to pick the best line from Bringin' Da Noise. If pushed, I could go with "So baby take my hand, 'cause I really wanna dance with you." But only if pushed, you understand.
Miss You
Ballad. Sappy. But it doesn't suck. Because they can sing and all. But it's a ballad. We know how I feel about those.
Best line: It's a fucking BALLAD! Ballads are inherently devoid of good lines.
Our Prayer (interlude)
They're praying. I… I… Okay. On the one hand, I'm with Bono in that God probably doesn't really want musicians thanking him. "Oh, no! Don't- you fucker! Don't blame that on me!" On the other, this plays shamelessly on my religious leanings. On the third hand, I'm jealous of the Dreamgirls' ability to craft an effortlessly graceful prayer. My prayers don't sound like this. Mine are more like "Um. Hi. It's me. You busy? Okay. Well. Anyway. Just checking in. Hope everything's great up top. I'm good. Thanks for getting Nana through that surgery. And, if you're not doing anything later, could you maybe have me not fail that exam? Thanks heaps, dude. You're the best. But you probably know that, seeing as how you're the Supreme Being and all. Later!"
Best line: "As I move forward on this journey, I learn to take what I need, and keep moving." I'm totally stealing it.
How Long
Ballad. Again, their voices rescue it. I'm not even bothering with a Best Line. You know the drill. Ballads suck. But, come on! It's a Dream Ballad! Which means it's not nearly as awful as it could be.
Then we get the Bad Boy remix of He Loves U Not. It rocks.
Are you convinced? If you're not, I don't know what to tell you. Go listen to your Fiona Apple albums or something, man. Because if you don't like Dream, you are just impossible to cheer up, and I'm not wasting anymore time on you.
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