Hair is usually in a ponytail. There may be any sort of equally unfashionable hair accessory used, i.e. those super ugly fake hair pieces (especially any sort of rainbow color), fluffy Britney feather scrunchies, butterfly clips.

Makeup is light, if any at all. Slight sparkles are most likely present.

What makes a tit:

Sample Dialogue:

The 411:
The teenie-in training is the quintissential concert goer. They're like the Kiss Army of fans, what with the body graffiti and the t-shirt. However, unlike the female members of the Kiss Army, they don't want to sleep with the band. Yet.

Normalness Rating:
Four Cindy's out of five. These girls come to have a good time and scream a lot, not get Justin into their four-poster bed. However, the scary facial tats do dock them a couple of points.

The Teenie

Identifying Characteristics:

Hair can be worn in a varying amount of styles including cornrows or fashionable ponytails. Hair can be also worn down.

Makeup is normally heavy, and very noticible.

What makes a teenie:

Sample dialogue:

The 411:
Most teenies have moved past body messages and now know how to apply the eyeliner (sort of). They also have moved past looking overtly "fannish" (traslation: like a loser). However, at this stage, homemade shirts that include messages for Justin and Justin only may be thrown into the mix and seem to have replaced the scribbles.
(note: Also may include the occasional Lance, as JC is totally like, over and "soooooo NSA!")

Normalness Rating:
Three Cindy's out of five. These girls are here to have fun, but they are also here for the sole purpose of Justin Timberlake. Teenies are closely associated with the hoochie category, although with their age, full on hooch behavior is not quite achieved. Sex is bad, but making out with Justin and offing Britney may just be in their warped little teenage minds.

The Hoochie

Identifying Characteristics:

Hair is perfect. Down is a must, for the tossing factor. However, some hoochies have been spotted with Texas hair.

Makeup is also perfect. There may be slight glitter.

What makes a hoochie:

Sample Dialogue:

The 411:
The hoochies are normally towards the front, although for those off chances of running into JC while off to get Dippin' Dots, hoochies are not exclusive to any section. They normally remain standing and will speak on their cellphone while using grandiose gestures, all while keeping a watchful eye on any Sexual Chocolate members, Rent-A-Cops, or Steve Fatone's that may be in the general vicinity. During the concert, they may dance seductively.

Normalness rating:
Two out of five. These girls are here to get onstage, and/or sleep with Justin. Or JC. Or Joey. Or Lance. Sometimes. Or Steve. Most likely.

The Scary Older Stalker

Identifying Characteristics:

Hair is usually blonde. Most likely dyed. It is big.

Makeup is heavy. Red lipstick may be used. Most likely, it will be on their teeth.

What makes a scary older stalker fan:

Sample Dialogue:

The 411:
These ladies are normally the easiest to spot. They usually have large purses to carry around their stalking kit, which includes pictures of them with the group, the band, the guards, etc, a cellphone, a sharpie, a camera, a list of hotels, eyeliner, and food for stalking energy. They're also quite chatty and will not hesitate to tell you of their encounter with JC the night before at a local Target, where they bought several pairs of sports shorts and a Jill Scott CD and presented them to him as he attempted to buy a pack of Winterfresh at 3 AM.

Normalness Rating:
One out of five Cindy's. Naturally. Deduct ten Cindy's if their favorite member is Justin. Are these ladies our for sex, or just to sqeeze each member to death? I'm unsure. However, like the other girls, they're not picky as to which member of NSYNC they will stalk.

The Ashamed Fan

Makeup is applied very naturally.

Hair is also natural, possibly down or in a ponytail sans scary accessories.

What makes an ashamed fan:

Sample Dialogue:

The 411:
These girls are normally the ones commenting on the hoochies and the teenies. They remain seated throught the opening acts and also during the countdown, but you may see them singing along to a few bars of the Stronger video. They will take to their feet as the 10 second countdown comes on and never return to their seat for the rest of the show. Singing and dancing may be done with much trepadation at first, along with screaming, but after awhile it will become second nature.

It must also be noted that Ashamed Fans are not limited to females. Men who fall under the "My chick dragged me here" category are also considered an Ashamed Fan. They are there to get laid, but only by the chick that dragged them there.

Normalness Rating:
Four out of five Cindy's. Some may be five's, but for those who feel that they must dress very scarily in protest of the pop, they may be anywhere in the three to four range. They don't want to sleep with anyone.

Or at least they don't want to admit it.

The "We're Only Here To See Lance" Fans

Identifying Characteristics:

Hair is gelled to a spiky perfection, with a smattering of highlights.

Identifying Characteristics:

Sample Dialogue:

The 411:
These guys are always the ones having the most fun. They sing, they dance, they yell. They may break out into actual choreography! Every female eye may be on them, but they have their eye on the cute blonde one.

Normalness Rating:
Five out of five Cindy's. Minor deductions only if actual choreography is actually executed (exception: Bye Bye Bye hand-movements, as this seems to be done involuntarily by everyone that is in the audience, no matter what category). This goes for all fans.

So now that the categories are all spelled out, where exactly do you fall in this big scary mix?

Let us know!


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