But anything else? No. Because then it becomes merchandise. And I have issues with that stuff. Because it borders on the lame. Sometimes it skips the border entirely, ducks through a hole in the fence, and lives it up in Loserville. I don't want to go there. I really don't.
So I struggled with myself for two months before buying the Madison Square Garden video. I did it in the end. But I visited Amazon.com a good many times, let the cursor hover over the "buy" button, and then fled to greener pastures. Eventually, I couldn't take it any more. I punched in my credit card number, sent one last plea for help out to WD (Who replied: "Buy it already, bitch.") and sat around for four to six working days. Waiting. Yes, that's right. I anticipated its arrival. I checked my mailbox hopefully. I didn't flip out completely. But I couldn't even convince myself that I was being all cool about it. Fuckers.
Then it arrived. In plain brown wrapping. It felt like porn when I bought it. It felt like porn when it came, when I unwrapped it, when I popped it into the VCR, it still feels like it. Because I have to kind of hide the bastard.
And I figured I might as well get a review out of the bitch. So here you go.
My first comment, that you should keep in mind throughout: whoever edited this tape really likes screaming teens. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's a director's cut out there somewhere. Madison Square Garden II: NSYNC's Perspective. And it's an hour of shrieking chicks. Somebody got kickbacks for every boob tube they could fit on this tape. It's amazing. I'm not terribly interested. I want to see NSYNC, morons.
Shit. Did I just admit that? I did. See? I knew merchandise would do this to me. Fuck. Next I'll be writing "Justin" on my forehead.
But anyway, it starts outside the venue. Some blond doofus is auditioning annoying screaming chicks to dance onstage during JGP. Some girl says she would eat a worm to get up there. I hope she didn't, because I don't think she made the cut. What is UP with these people? I don't get it, dude. You pay actual money to go to this concert, and then you miss half of it because you're getting prepped for the Klub. Um. Yeah. Okay if I give it a miss?
Of course, I'm also oddly fascinated by these fans. Because if I were outside an NSYNC concert, and a camera came by, I'd hide. No, I'm not kidding. I'd be like "SHIT!" and ducking and weaving out of the shot and diving behind sandbags like I was taking heavy fire. But these people are all about the HBO love, I'm telling you. There's a girl crying, and being comforted. A dad in an NSYNC shirt jumping around. Shit. If my dad did that, I'd disown him. One of the girls who's trying to get onstage has incredibly nasty nails in hot pink. Did I miss a memo? When did strip mall fashion hit NY? Blond Doofus gets the chicks to dance for him.
Wow. Cringe. Ay ay ay caramba. Can you say replacement shame? He also gets a group of girls to sing It's Gonna Be Maaay. WOW! That was incredibly off-key. Shit.
Cut throughout this into are shots of the interior of the Garden, and the director's voice telling the cameras to stand by. They have 31 CAMERAS. Shit. That guy had the most stressful job on the face of the earth. "Stand by twelve, stand by nineteen, cut to fourteen for shot of Justin's ass."
Shit. I'm in awe. He must have been drinking Pepto Bismo like Snapple.
Okay. Finally, the concert starts. For unclear reasons, the part where they drop from the ceiling has been cut. Fuckers. More crowd shots. How surprising. Shit, dude. Justin's ringmaster hat is HUGE. Huge. Is he making some kind of statement? Then the strings pull them back up and they do this cool The Crow swoop, and, okay, I can admit it, I wanted to do it. It looks like fun.
Chris has this weird Clockwork Orange eye makeup thing happening. I dunno, man. I just don't know.
Ah. Music.
NO STRINGS ATTACHED
They sing and dance. There's a pause so they can set off pyro. It's cool. They dance a little more, pause. They're doing some kind of tableau vivant, dude. It looks like that sculpture, you know. That Iwo Jima thing? Where the American soldiers are sticking the flag in? Like that.
This song has some bizarre choreography. They do this thing where they jump up and down and brush dandruff off their shoulders. I am amused. I start singing "Head aaaaand Sho-ho-lders" instead of No Strings Attached.
JC does not look like he's having a good time. At all. He looks scared and bored.
Then there's a pause so Justin can throw a bomb at Joey and get screams. Fuck. I bet they hate his sorry ebonics-speaking ass.
They rush the front of the stage, stand in a line, and do what I can only call a homoerotic bop. God. They don't even try to be subtle anymore.
More dandruff removal. Annoying. NSA is just too fast to dance to. This is more like an aerobics class. As the song ends, the director gives us a close-up of each guy. Naturally, Justin's is the best and Chris' is the worst. How surprising.
I WANT YOU BACK
Okay. You know how I say that Bringin' Da Noise is my fave NSYNC song? Well, that might be a lie. Because I, for reasons I don't understand, really like IWYB. Moving on, Justin kneels down and looks intense. I'm scared. What a drama queen.
Joe comes out and does his little speech. They all get one, you see. "Wassup Madison Square Garden!!!! Welcome to the NSYNC World Tour!"
AHAHA. I laugh. You know, Joe. I feel the need to point out that it's not technically a world tour if you only play gigs in North America, but whatever.
Then he asks us if we're ready to sing and to dance? I mock him. That's what we pay YOU to do, loser. Shit.
They do the horrible, horrible, Stand In Line Body Roll. People, people. We've discussed this. You know how I feel about it. Don't DO that shit. Then Justin does a weird backward kick towards the audience. I have a Tae Bo flashback. Then I wonder if that was Justin expressing how he really feels about the fans.
Hey! JC just smiled! Guess the crack kicked in.
There's a bit of choreography where their legs wobble. I am amused. Then Joe does his extremely spontaneous "adlib" and everyone grabs their crotch with two hands. Not Lance, of course. He just kind of stands there and looks embarrassed.
They break it down. They get into a standard V formation. JC bops his arm REALLY enthusiastically, with a "I just can't stop the beat!" expression on his face. What a loser. Lance stands there looking dumb. They do the Octopus/Hindu deity move. AHAHAHA!
There's a shot from the camera way at the back of the house. Wow- if you're in the nosebleed seats, you are REALLY FAR away from the stage. Look at those ants scurry.
After the song ends, Lance gets to do his speech. He says something about how thankful they are or something. I dunno. I zoned. But then he says something along the lines of welcoming everyone, "And even the people out there on HBO!" Gee, Lance. I'm so touched by your generosity. Thanks, man.
GOD MUST HAVE BLAH BLAH BLAH
They come out and stand in a tight little knot in front of their mic stands. Why has everyone now shed their jacket but Lance? What is the flamer hiding? There's a tight shot of Justin crooning. Behind Justin's head, you can see JC breathing very heavily. AHAHA. I hope he passes out. That'd be funny.
JC and Justin trade places. JC is really annoying me. He sounds like he's gonna cry. Wuss. Hey! He just smiled again. Guess he got another hit backstage. He adjusts Justin's mic stand. He moves it UP! What is UP with that? Isn't Justin way taller than he is?
They spead out and the platforms start to come up. How the hell do they know where to stand for the platforms? I mean, what with the smoke. Shit. Those fuckers are high. They scare me. Don't fall, people. You'd die. Phew. They come back down.
What a motherfucking lame song.
Ananda shows up on the screen. Dude, this is way lame. Can I forward through it? Yes, I can. Cool.
Onward to part II! (eh. coming soon-ish. really.)
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