The hardest part of writing isn't figuring out what to write about. That's fairly easy. The hardest part of writing is figuring out what to leave out. Or, more to the point, it's finding a focus around which to build one's piece, knowing that this very act prevents the exploration of other areas that would provide further understanding of the subject.

One's ideas and experiences are a complex tangle, but complex tangles don't work on the page. One needs to simplify.

I hate that.

But here goes, in my second attempt tonight:

See, my entry on the subject last week helped me understand what I've been doing all these years. To a certain extent, I've been avoiding musical pursuits specifically because they're so very important to me. Simply put, I've been afraid of failure. I don't have anywhere near the degree of confidence in myself to think that I could do music well, and I'm honestly afraid that I'll turn out to be right about that. And that would just devastate me, so I've been avoiding trying it altogether.

Which is not exactly a healthy way of dealing with the matter, to put it mildly. So having identified the problem, I'd kinda like to do something about it.

So what about those religious objections, then? Let's take them in the order alluded to above.

1. The Choral Society is co-ed. Under Jewish law, I shouldn't be listening to women singing. This is something I haven't quite been holding to, with my "line in the sand" moving further and further in as time goes on.

   Admittedly, my first web page was devoted to Debbie Gibson, but for quite some time I'd only listen to recorded female vocalists, at least. I crossed the live singing line more recently. And actually signing up for a course in which I'd be singing with a mixed group would just be one step further. But I'd more-or-less decided that this wasn't going to stop me.

2. The Choral Society has a concert every semester, on a Saturday night. Looking ahead at the schedule of events, I note that, next semester, it'll begin before nightfall. Which means that I can't be there, it still being Shabbos and all.

   While the concert wouldn't be something to be taken lightly, I have the impression that this wouldn't have to prevent me from being there the rest of the semester. I'd have to ask the instructor about the matter, but, still, theoretically not so bad.

3. The Choral Society sings... well, I don't have the particulars, so let's just say that a whole lot of serious choral works are religious in nature, and their repertoire is no exception to the rule.

   This one caught me by surprise, it not being something I'd really considered before seeing the choir perform the other week. But it's a serious issue. While I'll confess to liking some Christian music, actually performing it is another kettle of fish entirely. I can't do it. I'm not allowed to. And that's not a line I'm about to cross.

Part of this also stems from my growing realization that, damn it, I do want some sort of social life. The closest thing I've had to that in the past couple of years had been at the college paper, and I don't even have that now. And I'm more or less avoiding any potential possibilities in that area over in the Jewish world, but there are religious objections to pretty much anything I'd want to do in that area over in the secular world. So I'm stuck.

And people wonder why I'm drawn to Women's Studies. Trust me, I'm all too familiar with the concept of the double bind.

In fact, I'm going to indulge in that fantasy for a moment. Let's face it, that's really the only real advantage to be gained from buying a lottery ticket; not the infinitesimal chance of actually winning the jackpot, but the lovely few days in which you get to plan out exactly how you'll spend the money, should you win. The stack of CDs for my new audio-video system, the T-1 line for the computer lab in my mansion, the addition of a few more majors to my studies in college... not to mention funding Clean Sheets and endowing a writing prize at my college for the best poem written in a classical verse form... ahh, bliss.

Okay, back to reality, where I currently have just over a hundred bucks in my bank account, and where I now owe a month's rent to a friend, to be repaid as soon as my student loan comes in. Speaking of which, I sent out the promissory note on Monday, so matters are moving along. Now I just need to bring my copy to the Bursar, so they'll see that I'm getting it, and can take the hold off my registration. Plus I have a few more loose ends to tie up, for which I must remember to call my uncle.

In the meantime, the American Studies budget has finally been approved, so I can work for them now. Potentially, they can spend up to $1,500 on my salary, at $8/hr, between this semester and the next one. The question is just when I'm going to have time for this, especially given that most of this semester has already passed.

The answer appears to be Winter Break. We've just confirmed that I can, indeed, work then. So I figure I'm going to pile on as much as I can then, leaving me relatively free for the following semester.

(My current plans for Winter Break, then, are to do three things: Work for American Studies, help with the English Club's literary journal, and redesign this site.)

What, exactly, my work will entail is an interesting question. Right now, we're talking about my doing a monthly one-page newsletter, and setting up some Web pages for the department. Which is all well and good, but it shouldn't take me anywhere near as much time as I'm theoretically going to be employed. But I suppose we'll think of something.

On the other hand, part of me still suspects I can use a break. Especially as I may end up getting some plastic surgery done on my eyelid next semester, and I have no idea how that'll affect matters. Perhaps 'twere better if I didn't have as much to potentially get screwed up by that.

When I win the lottery, I'm getting cable. Or a satellite dish.