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Posted by lucy lastic on Wed Nov 29 14:47:34 2000: IP Address: 216.254.0.2

hi black. i'm writing in to say hello after such a long
absense..and perhaps in search of cheering. (have i lost
my mind? (seeking cheering herein?).. quite possibly.) at the age of 36 spastic
yrs i find myself desperately and all of a sudden wanting
and needing very much to be an adult.(am i too late?) and not just any
old adult, paying bills and what not. i need to rule.
to be the master of my game. a crackerjack.
infinitely reliable. a sea of absolute competence. a
picture of stamina, balance, and a thing of human beauty, wisdom.. in short, a master.
i want perfection, in the areas which matter. i'm talking
first and formost about my career, which is that of a digital
film and video editor, but of course, such a picture is
not built on cluttered closets and trashed yards. this has to be wholistic... i need financial stability, i need
simple classy gorgeous things to wear. i need to fill
my brain with all the information necessary to really
be the best in my field. how many articles in digital video
publications do i read per day? per week? none. a natural
talent for something is not enuf. i need a complete personality
overhaul. i have quit smoking marijuanna... cigarettes
went last year. there is only coffee now to battle, coffee
and self loathing. therapy? hipnosis? i must apologize for
this letter - case in point - is not awesome. it indeed does not "rule".. a. it's about me
b. it's not funny. and c. boring. (d. inappropriately personal?) i confess i have not visited the b.report in eons.
there are many ways i could elaborate on how and in what
variety of ways i have failed as an adult, to rule.
but what would the point be in that. there was onlyy
one thing that i vowed with great seriousness to myself
and perhaps my god, way back in my vivacious childhood.
and that was that i would never "grow up". i quite literally
"vowed" this, with uncharacteristic solemnity and backbone.
i'm paying now. i want in a very back room kind of way
to cry now. but i have no patience for that .. and i have tao be at work in 20 min.... (anyway, i've done plenty
of crying since my recent pot-quit.) *please* forgive
me this clumsy ramble. i know it's thoughtless. i only
thought that someone could offer up advice.
here's the thing. the raw materials are all there.
it's not like wishing for something completely impossible.
(someone's going to write in: "join the army")
ok, fuck. i'd like to just call these growing pains, but
i don't know yet if there will be any actual growing.
i really want to grow up now. i'm ready to grow up now.
i'm sorry. can anyone help me? this is just too pitiful.
andyone in their right mind would trash, not post, this.
clearly i'm not in my right mind. (please, if anything, be gentle with me...-no out and out meanness, pretty please...)

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Follow Ups:

• Re: the time - has it come and gone? Lt. Col. Rene Blanchard 19:27:59 11/29/2000 (3)
  • Re: the time - has it come and gone? lucy loser lastic 22:36:58 11/29/2000 (2)
    • Re: the time - has it come and gone? Lt. Col. Rene Blanchard 01:48:04 11/30/2000 (1)
      • Re: the time - has it come and gone? MC Snake Udall, USN (Ret) 04:54:09 11/30/2000 (0)

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: hi black. i'm writing in to say hello after such a long : absense..and perhaps in search of cheering. (have i lost : my mind? (seeking cheering herein?).. quite possibly.) at the age of 36 spastic : yrs i find myself desperately and all of a sudden wanting : and needing very much to be an adult.(am i too late?) and not just any : old adult, paying bills and what not. i need to rule. : to be the master of my game. a crackerjack. : infinitely reliable. a sea of absolute competence. a : picture of stamina, balance, and a thing of human beauty, wisdom.. in short, a master. : i want perfection, in the areas which matter. i'm talking : first and formost about my career, which is that of a digital : film and video editor, but of course, such a picture is : not built on cluttered closets and trashed yards. this has to be wholistic... i need financial stability, i need : simple classy gorgeous things to wear. i need to fill : my brain with all the information necessary to really : be the best in my field. how many articles in digital video : publications do i read per day? per week? none. a natural : talent for something is not enuf. i need a complete personality : overhaul. i have quit smoking marijuanna... cigarettes : went last year. there is only coffee now to battle, coffee : and self loathing. therapy? hipnosis? i must apologize for : this letter - case in point - is not awesome. it indeed does not "rule".. a. it's about me : b. it's not funny. and c. boring. (d. inappropriately personal?) i confess i have not visited the b.report in eons. : there are many ways i could elaborate on how and in what : variety of ways i have failed as an adult, to rule. : but what would the point be in that. there was onlyy : one thing that i vowed with great seriousness to myself : and perhaps my god, way back in my vivacious childhood. : and that was that i would never "grow up". i quite literally : "vowed" this, with uncharacteristic solemnity and backbone. : i'm paying now. i want in a very back room kind of way : to cry now. but i have no patience for that .. and i have tao be at work in 20 min.... (anyway, i've done plenty : of crying since my recent pot-quit.) *please* forgive : me this clumsy ramble. i know it's thoughtless. i only : thought that someone could offer up advice. : here's the thing. the raw materials are all there. : it's not like wishing for something completely impossible. : (someone's going to write in: "join the army") : ok, fuck. i'd like to just call these growing pains, but : i don't know yet if there will be any actual growing. : i really want to grow up now. i'm ready to grow up now. : i'm sorry. can anyone help me? this is just too pitiful. : andyone in their right mind would trash, not post, this. : clearly i'm not in my right mind. (please, if anything, be gentle with me...-no out and out meanness, pretty please...)

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