2002 Oscars
Preview
Well, the 74th Annual Academy Awards are two weeks away, and no one can
seem to shut up about them. So, as a service to those people, I present
this rundown of the nominees of the three categories everyone keeps yapping
about. |
Best Picture
A Beautiful Mind - The
story of the brilliant mathematician John Nash's struggle with schizophrenia.
The kind of film that really makes one's heart wish the brain gave a fuck.
Gosford Park - You say you
don't like snobby aristocrats? Well how about some spiritless, weak-minded
servants? All bases are covered here; a movie for everyone.
In the Bedroom - Hold on
now, what's this? Familial relations? Emotions? Substance?
How did you get in here?
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship
of the Rings - No film this year—and few others of any year—can match
the epic grandeur and brilliant campaign spending of Rings.
The favorite.
Moulin Rouge - You know how
every group has that one member everyone makes fun of?
Best Actor
Russell Crowe -
He's certainly moved on from last year's squinting exhibition that was
his performance in Gladiator, but there's just something wrong with
Australians and Oscars. They don't mix. I want my Paul Hogan.
Sean Penn - For I Am Sam.
Easily the best acting chops of the bunch, but there ain’t enough talent
in this world to make me think retarded people are good for anything.
Will Smith - Ali in Ali.
Who would have thought in the early '90s that Will Smith would go on to
become a massive star, leaving DJ Jazzy Jeff behind to wallow about in
a puddle of his own tears? Oh yeah, everybody.
Denzel Washington - Two black
nominees? Come on, we already gave you a few starting quarterback
slots and the NBA.
Tom Wilkinson - Eh?
Best Actress
Halle Berry -
Three words: Big. Fat. Titties. My pick.
Judi Dench - If you can tell
me the movie she's in, I'll give you fifty bucks. Oops, time's up.
Nicole Kidman - If anyone
deserves a nomination for Moulin Rouge, it's—aw, who am I kidding,
that's stretching it even for a hypothetical situation.
Sissy Spacek - Another In
the Bedroom nomination. Another lock. To lose, that is.
Renee Zellweger - She's not
even worth finding out how to make an accent above the second “e” in her
name, let alone considering her acting skills.