2003 Grammys
Preview
Ah, February. Lovers celebrating their union, the weather hinting
at spring, black people being proud of themselves. What else could
such a unfairly short month possibly give us? How about an unrespectable
award given to charlatans who wouldn't know the Dorian mode if it bit them
in the ass? Yes, the Grammys are mere weeks away, my friends, and
it's time to take a look at the nominees. |
Album Of The Year
“Come Away With Me,” Norah Jones- Great, the
one person here who knows what the Dorian mode is. (It has to do
with scales and jazz. Why don't you stop watching “Taildaters” and
try to enrich your life?)
“The Eminem Show,” Eminem- Every great album has those special
moments that you can never hear enough of. Perhaps the most special
moment here is “Going through public housing systems/Victim of Munchausen
syndrome.”
“Home,” Dixie Chicks- I can't really decide if I like these
broads or not. I can settle one debate, though. They ain't
hot. None of them. The main one's fat and the other two look
like forty-year-old dudes with a lot of makeup on.
“Nellyville,” Nelly- What? Even when I'm with my boo I
don't listen to Nelly.
“The Rising,” Bruce Springsteen- It was 16 months ago, people.
Can't we get over it?
Record Of The Year
“Dilemma,” Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland- “What,
Beyonce's busy? Then get the second prettiest one.”
“Don't Know Why,” Norah Jones- Each year there's one popular
song that's good and gives you reason to hang on to that last bit of faith
in humanity, until you remember...
“How You Remind Me,” Nickelback- Guhbwah? Didn't this
come out like two years ago? I thought they won best new artist of
2000. Goddamnit, Nickelback—you've slowed the course of time.
“A Thousand Miles,” Vanessa Carlton- I have to be honest: the
first time I heard the piano riff, I was like, “Yeah, not bad.” Then
she opened her mouth: “If I could fall into the sky/Do you think time would
pass me by.” Looks a lot different when you see it plainly, doesn't
it, lemmings?
“Without Me,” Eminem- Some philosophers choose to meditate on
questions of God, or of justice, or of existence. Then there are
others, like Eminem, who examine the self. Well, not the self,
but himself.
Song Of The Year
“Complicated,” Avril Lavigne & The Matrix,
(Avril Lavigne)- So some guy's getting a lecture about how he dresses
from a chick who wears a tie, a wife-beater, and studded wristbands?
“Don't Know Why,” Jesse Harris (Norah Jones)- This one's a two-face.
You know: a good from far, far from good type. Oh yeah, the song's
okay
too.
“The Rising,” Bruce Springsteen (Bruce Springsteen)- Obviously
a lock. (Hint: Arabs don't run Hollywood.)
“A Thousand Miles,” Vanessa Carlton (Vanessa Carlton)- “There's
only room in this town for one moderately talented piano-playing two-face.”
“Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning),” Alan Jackson
(Alan Jackson)- Haven't heard this one, but judging by the title, it's
a cheesefest (which is still better than a sausagefest). He's the
country singer with the facial hair and the hat, right?
Best New Artist
Ashanti- The songstress who regaled us with
such hits as...uh...the one with the drum machine...and...uh...the one
with the word “baby”....uh, yeah.
Michelle Branch- Man, I tell you what, there's just nothing
like generic, insipid, and flat-out boring inoffensive pop-rock to get
you in the rockin' mood. Woo-boy, rocks like a herd of elephants.
Norah Jones- How about another song?
Avril Lavigne- Who listens to this music? I can't fathom
meeting one of these characters: “Yeah, I love Avril, she's so good.”
“Um, which way to Earth, please?”
John Mayer- Can you believe five women got nominated?