| |
Ten Commandments Plus One Found
JEBEL MUSA, EGYPT- In what is surely
to be considered among the greatest archaeological discoveries of all time,
diggers have uncovered the Ten Commandments and, unbelievably, a forgotten
eleventh Commandment.
"We were
digging around, just like any other day, when I came across these two tablets,"
said Bryan Holmes, archaeologist. "I speak Hebrew, so I knew what
they were immediately."
Holmes
first saw that the engraved writing appeared to be written by some sort
of cartoon-like fiery specter. He then noticed that there was an
extra, uncharacteristically long commandment, filling up the back of the
second tablet. Holmes translates as:
Eleven.
Thou shalt not felch. Thou
shalt not purchase nor steal small creatures of the order Rodentia with
the purpose of inserting these animals into thy anal cavities. Thou
shalt not take up hamsters, gerbils, nor mice, break off their nails and
teeth, stick them in a cold, oft icy place to slow down their heart rates,
then use a semi-collapsible container to shoot them into thy colon area,
which would then slowly unfreeze them, causing them to jerk spastically
in a vain attempt to breathe, consequently resulting in homosexual ecstasy.
This new, seemingly
obvious commandment has sent shockwaves throughout California and dioceses
nationwide. Many people are planning to give up their felch-loving
lifestyles.
"I’m a
good Christian," said a priest, who wishes to remain anonymous. "I
will reluctantly relinquish my daily ritual of inserting cryogenic guinea
pigs into my ass. Hey, it’s not all bad- think of the money I’ll
save by not going to the pet store every week and not buying so many two
liter Coke bottles."
Fortunately
for felchers, it does not appear that God has condemned the pouring of
cement, with or without ping pong balls, into bodily crevices.
|
|
