Government Approves, Requires Flavored Gun Barrels
WASHINGTON, D.C.-  After months of lobbying, the National Organization of Humans Against Unnecessary Gun-Related Injuries and Deaths (NAHAUGRID) finally saw the controversial Flavored Gun Barrel bill pass into law.  The law requires that all handguns and many rifles manufactured in the United States after September 1, 2000, have flavored barrels.
   Dr. Rupert Townshend, psychologist and firm supporter of the bill, explains the reasoning behind the law: "Basically, it's designed to prevent suicide.  Once one of those losers puts his or her lips to the barrel, he or she will taste strawberries, or perhaps pink lemonade, taking him or her back to the happy moments of his or her childhood, moments which often include running barefoot through fields, catching lightning bugs, and avoiding traumatic rape by parents."
   This rush of joyous memories is supposed to help suicide-prone people to realize that they may have something to live for.  Some oppose the law for this very reason.
   "If you're a failure, you're a failure," said Dr. Joyce Brothers.  "People shouldn't be forced into zombie-like trances, wandering around uselessly, thinking they have something to contribute to society.  The truth can hurt, but it can also purify; and there's nothing like brain matter splattered over a troubled 17-year-old's daybed to bring the sweet, entoxicating smell of purification to this Hellish pit we call a country."
   Of course, some opponents believe that children will be tempted to insert the barrels into their mouths, which will be flavored with cherry, grape, bubble gum, and kiwiberry^®, along with the aforementioned two.  Fourtunately, developers of the fruity coatings thought ahead.
   "The flavorings have chemicals in them that induce violent vomiting and spasms in children under 12 years of age," said Roy Mathis, one of the scientists who worked on development.  "After a couple of tastes and subsequent convulsions and blackouts, children won't go near the weapons."
   Of course, some children may blow their brains out before the consequences are realized, but as they say, if you want an omelette, you've got to allow toddlers to shoot their brain stems out...