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Game Show
Contestant Beaten to Death by Celebrities
HOLLYWOOD- After failing to win
any money on Hollywood Squares Monday, Arthur Engel was beaten mercilessly
by the "stars" featured on the show. The itself game is based on
tic-tac-toe- contestants must agree or disagree with the answers the stars
provide to questions asked by the host. If the contestant is right,
he or she gains an X or an O. Three in a row in any direction wins
the match. Engel was simply a poor strategizer, and the stars didn't
agree with that.
"Yeah we beat the fuck
out of that idiot," said Gilbert Gottfried, a regular on the show.
"That assbag kept selecting the side squares, and everyone knows you have
to go for the corner ones. Fucking shit, man."
All of the stars appearing
on Monday's show were frustrated at Engel's lack of tic-tac-toe fundamentals.
"Damn, it's like he'd
never even played," said Vivica A. Fox, the top right square. "Everybody
knows you go for three corners. Fuck sides."
The last straw was
when Engel chose Bruce Vilanch, the left side square, as the first move
of the final match.
"Holy shitblast," said
Whoopi Goldberg, the star of the show. "I mean shit, dude.
You have to go for me, the middle square, so you can get a four-way threat
going. If not that, then go for a corner square to set up the three
corner, two-threat attack Even a goddamned five-year-old knows that."
After taping of the
show finished, the nine celebrites confronted Engel backstage. The
attack started with verbal abuse regarding Engel's tactical ignorance,
then led to kicking and stabbing (knives supplied by Coolio).
All nine will face
murder charges, but Tom Bergeron, the host, thinks the jury will sympathize.
"If you had a son who
didn't know about the three corner, two-threat attack, wouldn't you kick
his head in? Idiot mongoloids like that only bring the rest of us
down. Christ, he went for the side square first. Shit, I can't
believe it. Unreal."
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