Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Why the Hell did you do that?  I know what's up.  I'm on to you.  You won't get away with it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are insecure and gullible; you'll believe just about anything anyone tells you.  You will be famous.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Times have been rough for you lately, but there's something to smile about just around the corner- a gun sale at KMart.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
No, no, no- it's not normal to piss that often.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
You think you're some kind of bad-ass.  And you're right, sir.  I'll get you a soda.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept. 22)
Eeeew!  She's 60, man!

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Well there are two options.  You can live out the rest of your days nauseated, or you can confront him about his unhealthy Abraham Lincoln infatuation.

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You will encounter someone new this month.  Unless you live in a very small town and you rarely venture forth from your home.  This person will have a name that you recognize, as you've heard it before.  You will not speak to this person, but you should because this person is willing to put you in a position that would result in you becoming extraordinarily wealthy.  Of course, this won't happen because you won't talk to this person- and you can't tamper with fate, buddy!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Be thankful that you weren't born on Dec. 25 because you wouldn't receive presents for your birthday and Christmas.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
You will drop a slice of salami on the floor.  You will pick it up.  You will eat it.  Savage.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
You know those things'll kill you.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Fag.