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General
Motors Introduces Safest Vehicle Ever
General Motors has begun production of the Mariana, a gigantic SUV touted
as the "safest vehicle ever." The Mariana, which will be released
under Chevrolet, was created to battle Ford's latest addition to the SUV
world, the Excursion (which took the title of "biggest SUV" from the Chevy
Suburban).
"This thing is so huge, you could drive it off a motherfucking cliff and
not even know it," said James Potts, a GM spokesman. "It's like driving
a goddamned 747."
The Mariana is 20 feet long, seven feet wide, and seven feet high.
Don't let its size intimidate you, though. The only real danger for
the driver is entering the vehicle- this maneuver requires climbing a three
foot retractable ladder.
People inside the vehicle are untouchable. The Mariana features 28
airbags- one in front of each rider, one behind each rider's seat (for
when the driver backs into objects), side impact airbags along the doors,
and six airbags inside the roof (for when the vehicle rolls over).
"This is great," said Henry Bergman, a consumer allowed to test drive the
Mariana. "I can run over sidewalks, mailboxes, whatever... and not
even know it!"
Another test driver ran over a bicyclist, and led the police on a two hour
chase that ended at a gas station. Apparently he didn't know he hit
someone (due to the super soft suspension), and he never heard nor saw
the police cars (due to the roar of the engine and the distance from the
rear view mirror to the back window).
Some see this lack of awareness of the outside world as a benefit, rather
than a liability, though. Bergman includes himself in this category.
"Fuck paying attention to shit," he said, "I'm a busy man. The best
thing about this beast is that I can start drinking at 9:00 am, and not
have to worry about hurting myself." While making driving gestures
and engine noises he shouted, "Get out of my way, cocksuckers! I'm
drunk and driving a tank!"
"People obviously don't want to learn to drive," said Potts. "So
instead of paying a couple of hundred bucks for driving lessons, they can
pay $40,000 for the ultimate in personal safety- the Mariana."
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