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California energy rates
rise, forcing Alcatraz gift shops to increase prices of "Dig, Dash, Swim"
shirts
Senate begins questioning
FBI regarding withheld information; Director Freeh did have gum
in his mouth
Study reveals Lubriderm
cannot protect against an alligator death roll
If you're so funny, why
don't you come up with a wire?
93-year-old Seattle man
still amused by farts
Inundation in Midwest
results in massive property damage, increase in dictionary sales
Dog eats own vomit
Guitarist Van Halen confirms
he has cancer, will soon be runnin' with the devil
Whites wear suits, says
black
New addiction sweeping
the nation's youth: sucking air over and/or through achy teeth
Jay Leno ejaculates upon
hearing about latest Morton Downey Jr. arrest
Jews wrong
Moviegoers indicted on
charges of murder for spending $8 million to see Crocodile Dundee instead
of donating to charities
Little man inside murderer's
head actually a worm
Canadians protest trade
summit, 11 months of goddamn winter
Weakest Link host Anne
Robinson arrested for eating contestants' faces, children
Federal Reserve cuts interest
rates, coke-fueled orgy index rises 6%
Barefoot man to step in
dog shit
That shit with China still
going on
New Tom Green movie rumoured
to contain a comedic scene
Pentagon: U.S. reconnaissance
plane was on auto-pilot, American laziness proves no wrong-doing
Man falls over, breaks
neck trying to flush toilet with toe
China: "Just say you're
solly and get it over with"
Kid unable to pop fart
bubble with needle
"Fuck" still not in the
dictionary
Nerdy father knows why
the sky is blue
Man convicted of stalking
Martina Hingis: "The crowds were too big in Anna Kournikova's bushes"
Chinese president demands
U.S. apology, new tank treads for running over students
U.S. reconnaissance plane
collides with Chinese fighter: "Well, you know we can't drive," say Chinese
officials
9-year-old outgrows use
of "poo," chooses "shit" as permanent replacement
Professional cocksucker
Heidi Fleiss in jail for drug use
Black student shot in
Gary, Indiana, probably gang related
National Sleep Foundation
offers advice to millions sleep-deprived Americans: sleep as you drive
Gladiator wins
best picture at Oscars, Academy gives
Shakespeare in Love's 1999
Oscar to Armageddon
Controversial researcher
claims to have discovered NCAA women's basketball tournament
Man dies
Ethnic Albanians: "Join
us, red hot star of TV's 'Dark Angel,' Jessica Alba"
Division III colleges
begin recruiting XFL players
9-year-old born on February
29 claims to be 2-years-old
Dow Jones reaches all-time
low: murdering a prostitute and holding up an elderly man for drug money
California lifts blackout
order, looters protest
MTV deems Madonna video
"too violent" for prime time; 8-year-olds forced to wait three extra hours
to see it
Late night talk show hosts
rejoice as Iowa Amtrak train derails, killing one and injuring 90
Bush defends "Star Wars"
missile defense system as a "means of protecting the poor"
14-year-old wakes up without
erection
Jay Leno runs out of Puff
Daddy jokes, begins outlining the differences between niggers and black
people
U.S. Department of Agriculture
bans meat products from EU after Frenchman contracts foot-and-mouth disease;
bans on lightning strikes and pigs flying being considered
Record labels compile
lists of millions of songs Napster must remove; "Fuck Jew Die" and "The
Lynch Mob Ditty" only ones not claimed
Bob Knight puts turd in
Indiana University President Myles Brand's mailbox, blames it on "March
Madness"
Seattle earthquake fails
to collapse Space Needle on Kelsey Grammer's head
Backstreet Boys killed
in alley fight with back street derelict
Bush's liberal use of
pauses results in 40-word State of the Union speech
Bush touts New Federalism,
fights off zombies of James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, and John Jay
President Bush gains knowledge
of humorous British slang from meeting with Prime Minister Blair; "sod,"
"bugger," "cheeky," and others discussed
Marc Rich on Clinton pardon:
"It's great value-for-money"
Shelby Lynn wins Grammy
for Best New Artist in the traditional omen of future failures as a musician
Julia Roberts has fourth
row of teeth added
Eminem and Elton John
decide on song to be sung at Grammys: "Benny I'm Gonna Kill You"
Man walking down stairs
synchronizes farts with footsteps
Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s death
serves as a message to children: Helmets don't work
VP Cheney says Bush will
govern like Reagan: as a fart in a trance
Allen Iverson calls for
relinquishment of "the rock"
Clinton coins Harlem poon
as "Harpoon"
Bush : "No fly for you"
Jennifer Lopez on breakup
with Sean Combs: "I didn't want those giant teeth damaging my ass"
House committee forces
networks to retract prediction that Bush takes Wisconsin, Iowa in 2004
Gallagher: "You mean watermelons
aren't funny?"
NASA spacecraft
lands on asteroid, Bruce Willis begins drilling tomorrow
Attorney General John
Ashcroft speaks out against affirmative action in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest
Men, women different,
says comedian
Clintons to return $28,000
in furnishings to White House, Bush to build pillow-fort
Crazy people with guns
near the president count: 1
Man shoots eight in Chicago
factory, Oprah unharmed
Early reports confirmed
Early reports indicate
a Jew may win Israel's prime ministerial election
Explorers find civilization
even farther West than America-- Experts call it "Far East"
Seven players die on XFL
opening day
George W. Bush issues
executive order calling for the removal of the first "r" in February
Boris Yeltsin gains immunity,
cirrhosis
Pope John Paul II announces
a fourth secret of Fatima: who wins Survivor 2
Indians whose family and
friends fell victim to Friday's earthquake find solace in hilarious Super
Bowl commercials
Black people scary, according
to white man
God getting ready to turn
attention away from doing nothing about worldwide suffering to help men
throw, catch footballs
Cunning man checks zipper
while adjusting belt
Gerald Ford slips to second
on list of goofiest, most inept U.S. presidents
China to send man into
space within five years, invent motion pictures and moveable type within
seven
Monkey genetically modified
with jellyfish DNA speaks: "Cure something!"
Student slowly releases
potentially loud fart during class
Songwriter rhymes "dance,"
"chance," and "romance"
Al Gore and George W.
Bush join in pleading U.S. and Florida Supreme Court Justices to "stop
fucking with our heads"
Al Gore demands recount
of shitty jokes about Al Gore demanding recounts
Fried chicken head found
in order of chicken wings at McDonald's, prompting Dept. of Agriculture
to ask "What the Hell was chicken doing in an order of chicken at McDonald's?"
Man takes gargantuan shit
while on phone with mother
Least ironic death ever
occurs when Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin is paralyzed by the venomous bite
of a fierce snake, then eaten by a crocodile
Angel swoops down from
heaven, slaps Oprah in the back of the head
Time traveler from 2320
A.D. reports world peace, lack of flying cars
Snipers still waiting
on Florida vote results
Electric razor company
executives: "We can't get any closer"
Presidency hinges on Florida
votes, Buddy Ebson leads by 295
Two-year-old maimed after
someone let the dogs out
Apocalypse on schedule
for November 7
In the cruelest practical
joke ever, the most sinister hackers ever distribute Microsoft source codes
Researchers develop combination
treatment for depression-- bathtub and hair drier
Ralph Nader outlines "Kill
all babies" program, no one notices
George W. Bush still undecided
on Halloween costume, trick-or-treating route
Commercial actors end
strike, America collectively groans upon realization of more David Arquette
1-800-CALL-ATT ads
Man depresses accelerator
quickly, affirms penis size
Cure for overeating disorders
found-- Sleep
Controversial new book
claims women have heads
Debate viewers surprised
at Bush's foreign affairs knowledge, size of steaming heaps of shit spouted
by candidates
Dallas Cowboys realize
homosexual overtones of name, become Dallas Motorcycle Cops
Online satirical newspaper
fails to ever mention Firestone tires...wait....damn
Anna Kournikova: "Fuck
it, I'll just play naked."
Cure for the Summertime
Blues found-- hookers, Cheetos, and methamphetamines
Man sucessfully opens
can of Mountain Dew while riding bicycle off waterfall
ABC able to beat NBC's
Olympics coverage by running 1-800-COLLECT commercial starring Arsenio
Hall
Eminem's single "Fuck
Gravitas" selling poorly in Greece
Upper 1% decides to become
upper 1/2% and own 95% of everything
Gore/Lieberman unveil
campaign slogan: "Oy Vey 2000"
David Copperfield performs
greatest illusion ever- making his creepiness disappear for 30 seconds
Chinese Organ Market exceeds
10,000 points
Comedians rejoice as Bush
selects a guy named Dick as running mate
Eminem bestselling shitty
artist in shitty music industry
Online satirical newspaper
uses word "shitty" twice in attempt at humor
Mark McGuire's shrunken
testicles reserved spot in Hall of Fame
C-SPAN for Kids launched
Shaquille O'Neal wins
rap contest on Planet of the Genies
In a vicious twist of
irony, a power strip is plugged into into itself
NBC falls into Pacific
Ocean
Richard Simmons marries
descendant of baby oil creator
Christ a no-show for 732,694th
concecutive day
Breathing freedom withheld
from huddled masses
Lenin still dead, inability
to resurrect attributed to air-tight glass coffin
Gas prices skyrocket,
Pope trades in Popemobile for Toyota Tercel
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