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Gary Coleman elected governor of my
heart
Al-Qaida denies links to Gigli
Midget forced to converse with people
while
pretending genitals
at eye level are not there
World's loudest collective groan recorded
as
Middle East
peace agreement announced
Man urinates extra hard so guy in next
stall
thinks he has
big penis
White guy turns stereo down at every
stoplight
Everyone can see midget is balding
Study: War sure gets old fast
Australia to send 2000 military personnel
to
help in Iraq
conflict for God knows why
Nerd secretly pleased not to be selected
for
kickball team
Athiest forced to explain he's not a
satanist
In response to Skeletor's refusal to
support
U.S. invasion
of Iraq, President Bush adds Snake Mountain to Axis of Evil
Nymphomaniac can't stop thinking about
Martin
Luther King,
Jr.'s penis during broadcast of "I Have a Dream" speech
Christina Aguilera's vagina falls off
Black homosexual dwarf has it bad
Man turns quickly only to find car horn
wasn't for him
Rational being found that enjoys Lenny
Kravitz
Cat thinks it's a dog, according to
complete
idiot
Eight-year-old grasps moral hypocrisy of
U.S.
support of
Saudi Arabia
Hundreds of newspapers fail to print news
of
flooding in
Prague because "we can't spell 'Czech'"
Baseball players agree to steroid
testing;
"As long as they
don't check our nuts," say player reps.
Unfortunate child fat and stupid
Lance Armstrong greatest athlete in
world,
never gets offered
a free beer in the U.S.
Guy not embarrassed about liking Creed
White guy cracks black guy up, says black
guy
Kid nicknamed "Firecrotch" hasn't told
peers
he doesn't have
pubic hair yet
All Star Game tied, baseball finally
overtakes golf and soccer
as most boring sport
Bush to Corporate America: "Do as I say,
not
as I do"
Man ejaculates during Wimbeldon coverage
as
planned
Dog destroyed for acting like dog
Fart clings to some other dude
Man knows channel for TNN, but not CNN
Eminem to write song about self, self's
record sales
Dog pissed that channel was changed
Bathroom corpse spoils dinner party
Underwear found to be insufficient
barrier
between itchy
ass and fingers
Jay Leno's soul found in pawn shop
Shaq sits on child
Movie trailer: "Whoa-oa-oa! I feel good"
Israel-Palestine clinches top spot;
India-Pakistan second
seed
Prisoner makes fun of Corey Feldman
Spiteful infant purposely shits self
Jim Carrey still about
Giant Antarctic ice shelf, future of
humanity
collapse into
sea
Yates trial ends without media referring
to
it or Yates as
"March Madness"
Bush on U.S. development of new nuclear
weapons: "It is not
only possible, it is essential"
Naked man gets aroused while looking at
own
reflection
VP Cheney suggests former Enron employees
could find jobs
once Arctic Refuge is opened, twirls imaginary moustache
Magic Johnson stubs toe, stops smiling
Whiny bitch Canadian skaters get gold
Kenneth Lay to invoke "Guilty-as-hell"
Amendment
Bush stresses fact that budget proposal
has
nothing to do
with shitty Super Bowl commercials
Beyonce Knowles stretches "baby" to 13
syllables
Female Palestinian suicide bomber lauded
by
American feminists
Mother pretends not to notice sock
Enron
Visibly exhausted Dan Rather addresses
self
as "Osama bin
Enron"
Wendy's founder Dave Thomas remembered as
funniest fast food
spokesman, after Jack
Guy who said "See you next year" at
Christmas
party dead
Area priest is "all about the Annointing
of
the Sick"
Mariah Carey visits troops in Kosovo; 23
comedy writers hospitalized
after hyperventilating
Poll: Children prefer "Harry Potter"
movie to
book cover
President Bush on Basque Separatists,
IRA,
and Shining Path:
"Who?"
People no longer talking about Queens
plane
crash: not as
tragic as expected
Scab bleeds more than expected
Unpatriotic, evidently anarchistic
American
places 13th in
NYC Marathon
Homeless child goes trick-or-treating as
self
America returns to normal: shitty movies
top
box office
Study: How many more fucking concerts are
we
going to have?
War in Afghanistan overshadowing Indians
complaining about
the Atlanta Braves' insulting name
Tickets to Anthrax still on sale
Bonds dedicates 72nd home run to own penis
Pop stars to record WTC attack relief
album:
"Bin Laden Should
Get Raped by a Threshing Machine"
"America" takes over top spot on most
cheer-inducing words
list; "tits" falls to second
God to Bush: "Stop it, you're
embarrassing Me"
Sense of Normalcy still at large
Jackie Mason: "I'm Jewish"
White rapper novelty officially worn off
Black opera singer novelty still in
development
Man adjusts balls
True
purpose of president's
vacation revealed: to catch up on his X-Men
Toilet
water splashes
up onto ass
Five-year-olds
get ready
for first day of school, taste of blood
Summer
book not read
Murder
bad, says Bible
Man
fulfills childhood
dream of burping, sneezing, and farting at the same time
Cheaper,
generic Prozac
coming to drugstores; will lace entire U.S. water supply later this year
Physically
disabled child
doesn't know he's crippled
Volcano
affects people
somehow
Dog
blamed
Expression
"Big whoop"
dies
Authorities
attempt to
expedite search for Chandra Levy by raising reward to $200,000,
replacing
her photo with that of a hot Latina
Student
film to suck
Disney
to
buy Fox Family
Worldwide, vows to eliminate cartoons about rabid, nymphomaniacal
bunnies
President
Bush sees "Jurassic
Park III"
Dog
kicked
"Dharma
and Greg" still
on
Successful
missile defense
effort miraculously increases American students' test scores, improves
medical accessibility for the poor
Palestine,
Israel mad
for some reason
Vietnamese
guy tired of
telling people how to pronounce "Ngyuen"
Don't you have
anything better to
do, you fucking dork?
Size
of
Nikki Cox's breasts
reaching dangerous levels, say experts
Nigga
fronts
American
flag used to
sell hosiery, televisions
Stoned
Israeli gets stoned
Pacemaker
surgery to make
Dick Cheney first Republican with a functioning heart
Italian
rapist described
as "amorous"
God
falls
in shower, breaks
hip
Country
taken out of boy
Carroll
O'Connor dies
after being lynched by a group of blacks and stoned by a gang of Jews
Study
shows that you cannot
make a mosquito that's sucking your blood explode by flexing your
muscles
Snoop
Doggy Dogg to mention
record label in next single
European
leaders surprised
to find out President Bush is actually serious about missile defense
program
Starbucks
common, says
Jay Leno
Axis
of
universe fails
to be altered by Democrat-controlled Senate
"The
Producers" wins 12
Tonys despite controversial heterosexual overtones
Man
watching airplane
overhead secretly hopes it bursts into flames
White
man
watches Shaggy
video without laughing
Bush
to
buy Russian defense
systems with bread, moldy oranges
Florida
forest fires serve
as beacon for Cuban rafts
Allen
Iverson to play
in Eastern Conference Finals Game 3 despite gangrenous legs
Producer
Dr. Dre working
on song without nursery rhyme melody
Controversial
Shaggy song
fails to "feature" anyone
Real
reason for Bush/Cheney
support of new oil uncovered: they need it to masturbate to pictures of
barrels of oil
Shaquille
O'Neal reluctantly
admits he is not as good a writer as Shakespeare, nor as good an
astrophysicist
as Stephen Hawking
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