RESCUE 911 Bloopers Video Sells in Record Numbers
   The number one video (based on sales) in the country right now is the sleeper RESCUE 911: Too Sad For TV, a compilation of stories which didn't work out as happily as those that aired.  CBS released the video a month ago, and through word of mouth it has climbed to the top of the sales chart, passing The Green Mile and selling three million copies over the past week.
   "We're (CBS) extremely pleased with the sales numbers," said Kenneth Martin, a CBS spokesman.  "We're seriously thinking about releasing a series of themed RESCUE 911 videos- like babies trapped in wells that die, old guys falling in bath tubs that die, and of course, kids that drink oil and die."
   The current video features eight stories running at about one hour.  These stories include a guitarist who was somehow impaled on his music sheet stand.  While on the phone, the 911 operator jokes with the man, "I guess you'll be playing the blues, hey pal?"
   "That's what's so great about this video, and the ones to come- the stories are funny," Martin said.
   Another story involves a man who had a stroke.  The paramedics watched him as he lay hunched over a lamp.  "It was weird," said one of the medics, "He was perfectly balanced on top of this lamp.  We bet how long he would stay up- six and a half minutes later, he fell.  I made 30 bucks."  The man has been in a coma for the past seven years.
   "Oh, those goofy paramedics and their wild shenanigans," remarked Martin.  "It's great that we have a tape that can make us laugh at death."
   There is also a story about a 14-year-old boy who shoots himself in the head.  On the way to the scene, the paramedics got into an argument.  "We were arguing over the year Stevie Wonder's Innervisions came out," said the driver.  "So we stopped by a record store and found it.  Needless to say, I was right- '73.  When we arrived at the house, the kid was pretty much dead anyway.  You know, he was barely moving."
   Most of the deaths are often due in part to the incompetence of the medics, but Martin doesn't think viewers will grow tired of this storyline. 
   "It's like Three's Company.  Every episode was the same- someone misunderstands what someone else says, Jack falls down, and the misunderstanding is eradicated.  It was a hugely successful show."
   Of course the success stemmed from breasts and legs, but CBS is banking on death and hilarity being a formidable duo.