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Tiger
Woods Wins Some Golf Tournament
WESTERN EUROPE-
Tiger Woods- golf sensation, Nike endorser, black, won some tounament in
Scotland or Ireland Sunday. Rich white men across America deemed
the victory "significant" in that Woods became one of a few other players
to win a shitload of tournaments.
"I think mankind has reached its pinnacle with Tiger's win," said Tom Lehman,
who placed fourth in the tournament. "First we cure polio, now this
guy wins the Open. It's bittersweet, though. Nothing in the
future could live up to this- unless he wins another tournament."
Woods dominated the stick-swinging contest, winning by eight swings (known
as "strokes"). It was clear from the outset that he would have little
trouble embarrassing the rest of the field. He did so with his trademark
class, except just before putting on the last hole, when he skipped around
the green, pretending his club was his penis and yelling, "As soon as I
win, all of you will have the opportunity to perform fellatio on me!"
After the tournament, Woods, more insolent than usual, exclaimed, "All
are inferior to me. This win is the ultimate testament of my superiority
over everything earthly."
Whites nationwide agreed. "He can hit a small, dimpled ball with
a specialized rod farther and more accurately than any other being," said
Gary Vanderbilt of Sports Illustrated. "He is God. All hail
Tiger Woods, our divine creator."
The tournament received its highest ratings in over a decade, due to the
appearance of Woods, who has boosted public interest in the game.
"Golf's popularity is at an all time high," said Stuart Harrison, golf
expert. "Even people with above-minimal levels of melanin are watching."
Much of the money gained from advertising is expected to be used toward
televising more golfers walking around, cursing their insufficient talent,
and losing to Woods.
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