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America
to be Relocated to Space
WASHINGTON, D.C.- King Clinton of
the United States of America, in what may shape-up to be his last major
act in office, announced that America will be relocated to space so that
it may orbit around the Earth for evermore.
"We (Americans)
don't want to be associated with the rest of this filthy planet," said
Clinton. "Here we are, the pinnacle of Western civilization, and
all these lazy-ass countries are trying to mooch off us. Fuck that."
It hasn't been
decided what method will be used to remove America from the planet, nor
how it will be put into space. Some have suggested using a giant
scooping device- which would come at a price tag of over $10 quadillion.
"Whatever they
use, it's gonna be a bitchload of money," said Henry Wasserman, an economy
expert.
Clinton plans
on generating more money so the device(s) can be built by "trying all kinds
o' shit. We'll press more money, steal gold from those freeloading
South Africans, raise taxes, whatever it takes. We gots to get out
of here- I can't attend another meeting with these smelly, non-English
speaking bums. And as for the English speakers- they're so primitive!
Did you know that in England they have to have a license to watch TV?
Goddamn cavemen they are."
The removal of
a significant portion of the Earth's crust would result in tremendous tidal
waves, engulfing dust clouds, and major atmospheric disturbances, among
other catastrophic disasters.
"Fuck 'em," said
Clinton.
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