No Celebrities Killed in Aspen Plane Crash
ASPEN, COLO.– In a news conference Friday, it was announced that the bodies of the 18 victims of the Thursday night plane crash at Sardy Field Airport near Aspen have been recovered.  The list puts to rest any fears that the accident were tragic—there were no celebrities aboard.
   “I'm pleased to report that of the 18 victims, none were nationally famous,” said National Transportation Safety Board spokesman Arnold Scott.  “There were a couple of local news staffers, but no real celebrities.  Tragedy has been avoided.”
   Immediate concerns were raised when the news of the crash near Aspen, a skiing resort popular among the wealthy and famous, appeared Thursday night.  The plane was chartered from Burbank, Calif., making fears of celebrity-death all the more evident.
   “I was truly worried when I heard the plane came from Burbank,” said Pitkin County Sheriff Bob Braudis.  “But the passenger list, along with the positive identification of the victims’ bodies quells any anxiety.”
    Marc Foulkrod, president of Avejet, the plane's operator, expressed his relief at the press conference.
   “I was deeply saddened by the news,” he said.  “Until I read the passenger list.  What a relief.”
   Scott stated that it was fortunate that the crash occurred in late March, because it is the late season and celebrities are less inclined to fly out to Aspen.
   “If this were January, we could be looking at a serious tragedy here,” he said.  “Naturally, celebrities aren't put off by the high rates during the peak season.  They've all been here earlier in the year.  Only unimportant people come in the late season, thankfully.”
   The information given by the black box, containing a complete recording of the cockpit conversation during the flight and just prior to the crash, has been released to the press.  Below is a transcript of the last moments of the flight.

PILOT: Oh [expletive].
COPILOT: We have to [pause] can't [pause] damn.
P: I can't get it back up.  It's gone.
C: We're going to hit.  [expletive].
P: Who's on board?
C: What?
P: Are there any [pause] celebrities aboard?
C: I don't [pause] I can't remember.
P: Damn it.  Think.
C: Was J. Lo on?  [pause] No.  I'm sure.  [pause] No one I've heard of.
P: Thank God.
[End of recording]