Millions of People Without a Sense of Humor Line Up to Have Intelligence Insulted
LOS ANGELES– Standing outside the Loews theater on Beverly Boulevard, dozens of moviegoers lacking an adequate sense of humor happily waited to have their intelligence scoffed at by the insipid smash hit “Austin Powers in Goldmember,” the third in Mike Myers's Austin Powers series.  The film, which earned $71.5 million in the biggest opening weekend ever in July, appeals to those who found “There's Something About Mary” overly cerebral, as well as Creed listeners.
   “I loved the first one, and the second one was even funnier,” said one ticket-holder, inexplicably adding: “And I can't wait to see this one.  It's going to be hilarious.”
   “Goldmember,” like the previous two films, is targeted toward 12-year-old boys who snicker when they hear someone say the number 69.  The 1997 original, “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery,” earned $18 million less in its entire run than “Goldmember” has in three days, but became a cult hit after viewers mistook hackneyed jabs at ‘60s spy movies for satire.  With the addition of a midget to the cast 1999 sequel, “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me,” Myers's star rose rapidly.  But below it all, the series has been driven by two key factors: bad puns and penis jokes, and lots of them.
   “‘Austin Powers’ is about quantity,” said Myers.  “We want to give the audience as many jokes as we can think of, and hit them hard,” he said, succinctly describing his three films as the cinematographic equivalent of projectile vomit.
   “Goldmember,” whose plot resembles a van full of shit crashing into a brick wall, has Austin traveling back in time to 1975 to encounter Foxxy Cleopatra (Beyonce Knowles)—a journey which serves as a vehicle to parody blaxploitation films, mystifyingly ignoring their inherently tongue-in-cheek approach.  The audience is then subjected to an endless parade of alarmingly obvious and dull jokes, each beat into the viewer's head with a figurative mallet and shoehorn, ensuring that every mongoloid on earth understands the punch line.
   “Mike Myers is one of the funniest men alive,” said one lobotomized fan after leaving the theater.  “I hope the series goes on forever.”