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Women Banned
From Driving
WASHINGTON, D.C.- On Tuesday, September
5, in reaction to a July federal study which revealed that half of all
road accidents involve women, Congress overwhelmingly chose to pass legislation
banning all females in America from driving any motorized vehicles on public
roads.
Much attention has
been focused lately on the alarmingly high number of people dying in road
accidents in America every year- a number regularly exceeding 40,000.
"We never really knew
what the root of the problem was," said Gary Ackerman (D- NY). "Now,
with this recent study, we know women are at the heart."
Judy Biggert (R- IL),
despite being a female driver, agrees with the legislation.
"I guess what men have
been saying for years has turned out to be true- women can't drive well,"
she said. "We mustn't be allowed to endanger the lives of everyone
else on the roads. In fact, I think women should voluntarily give
up their driving privelages; it's just common courtesy."
The law has the president's
approval as well.
"I was a bit shocked
when I first heard about the legislation," said Clinton. "But then
they told me that 50 percent of all accidents were either caused by or
involved women. That's too much, man. This bill had to be passed-
for the greater good."
"Come to think of it,
I am a poor driver," said Biggert. "I'm always putting on
makeup and stuff in the car. And if I'm with my girlfriends in the
car, you better watch out. I ain't paying attention to nothing, what
with our excessive talking and all."
The report also noted
that approximately half of all road deaths involve alcohol, so 25 percent
of fatal accidents are caused by drunken women.
"Fucking booze-hound
whores," said Clinton.
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