Barry White Finding Kidney Dialysis Decidedly Unsexy
LOS ANGELES– Grammy-winning soul singer Barry White, also known as “The Love Man” and “The Maestro,” has found his recent kidney failure, dialysis, and need for a transplant to be decidedly unsexy. 
   “No matter how you look at it,” explained White in his famously rich bass voice, “there's nothing sexy about years of high blood pressure, toxic waste accumulation in the kidneys, and uremia.”
   The 58-year-old ladies' man, known for his deep vocals which many people joke can make anything seem sexy, has been entirely unable to see anything sexy about his ordeal.
   “I've been thinking long and hard, while sitting in bed here,” he said.  “That sounds sexy, I know, but listen to all these machines beeping.  And there's a bed pan on the table over there.”
   White, whose hits include “Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe” and “You're the First, the Last, My Everything,” has spent hours racking his brain to find some sexy lining to the clouds of his kidney troubles with hopes of leaving the hospital with new ideas for a record.
   “I'd like to capitalize on this drama, like other artists would do,” he said.  “The trouble is they don't have to be sexy.  I'm Barry White, babe.  I can't be morbid.”
   The more the love maestro has examined his situation, the less sex appeal he sees.
   “It's just all too much for me,” he lamented.  “The dialysis machine is kind of hot, what with the semiporous-membrane-like tubes and the blood pumping through them and all.  But then you start getting into urea and salt and having to remove them from the blood.  There's nothing I can do: osmosis just isn't sexy.”