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Bush to
Hire New Secret Service Officers: Bears
WASHINGTON, D.C.– President Bush
announced Thursday that he will re-staff the Secret Service, replacing
the current members with super-intelligent bears. This comes as a
response to an Indiana man who allegedly fired shots outside the White
House gate Wednesday.
“I was appalled to
hear that a man fired shots outside,” said Bush. “If I had bears
protecting me, this never would've have happened.”
The president hopes
a small army of bears patrolling the White House lawn and perimeter fence
will deter any threats to his safety. He has given the current officers
of the Secret Service Uniformed Division two weeks notice, after which
they will be replaced by grizzly bears and black bears.
“Mr. Bush has been
interviewing applicants,” said White House press secretary Ari Fleischer.
“He will be examining their clawing skills, biting skills, crushing skills,
and, or course, intelligence.”
The bear police, who
can be distinguished from regular bears by their hats, a uniform designed
by Bush personally, will began work Feb. 23. Aside from guarding
the White House, they will accompany the president on all trips, public
and private.
“I look forward to
working with the bears,” he said. “They are far more effective then
humans—it takes like 20 bullets to bring one down.”
Bush is also looking
into developing a powerful bio-robotic bear. He said that ideally
a “Robobear” would have titanium-laced bones, cyanide-tipped retractable
claws, and eyes “that can shoot lasers.”
“We have the technology.
We have the capability to make the world's first bionic bear,” he said.
“They will be better and stronger and faster.”
Bush will approach
Congress with a plan for funding and building the bots sometime next week.
“I am going to draw
attention away from my ‘Star Wars’ plan momentarily to focus on the issue
of safety,” he said. “We must divert money toward creating a race
of hyper-biobot bears.”
As for the potential
employees being interviewed, the president is pleased.
“Mr. Bush is very impressed
with their intelligence and vigor,” said Fleischer. “He is certain
a new era of unparalleled presidential safety is on the horizon.”
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