Barry Bonds Continues to Amaze Despite Fans' Wishes
LOS ANGELES– San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds is picking up right where he left off.  Only  three games into the season, the single season home run champ already has four long balls.  Bonds continues to showcase his incredible skills despite the fact that baseball fans nationwide have no interest in seeing such stellar performances.
   “Who does he think he is?” asked one Dodgers fan on opening day.  “We don't want to see home runs driven out by this man-god.  He's only doing it for himself, anyway.”
   Bonds, an eight-time Gold Glove winner, has been criticized for being indifferent to fans and the press, both of whom, for the most part, have chosen to ignore Bonds' unheard of abilities.
   “I'm getting tired of hearing about Bonds doing the impossible,” said baseball fan and San Diego resident Gregory Blakeman.  “Every time I see him reach another milestone, I want to squeeze the life out of his resplendent head.”
   “I'm in absolute awe of him every time he so confidently swings the bat, effortlessly launching another ball into the cheap seat graveyard to be buried with its battered brethren,” said another Dodgers fan.  “What an asshole.”
   Fans across the country hate Barry Bonds with every fiber of their being, but some dissenters choose to recognize his magnificence.  Still, many of those willing to respect Bonds' achievements accept the notion that an ulterior motive drives his success.
   “It's clear that Barry is not hitting home runs at this unbelievable rate for the fans, we all agree.  He's also not doing it for the team,” said Princeton psychologist Michael Wasserman.  “He's doing it to suppress his own insecurities.  Every home run is an attempt to fill in an empty part of his life.  Perhaps a lost love, or some childhood failure.  Maybe he has a tiny penis.  God, I hate that guy.”