Guy More Bored Than Terrified by Slumping Economy
CLEVELAND, OH– Bill Elmore, a 32-year-old refrigerator repairman, often finds himself ignoring news of the slumping U.S. economy—not out of fear of bad news, but out of sheer boredom.
   “I just don't really care, and I don't see what the big deal is,” said Elmore.  “I mean, as long as the price of condoms stays down, I'm good, know what I mean?”
   Elmore, who is single, says that his life has not been affected by the shaky stock market and the corporate scandals which pepper the news on a daily basis.
   “My portfolio is still cool,” he said, chuckling at the fact that he does not have a portfolio.  “All these guys are shitting themselves because the Fed won't cut the rates, whatever that means.  I'm like, dude, chill out.  These guys just need some ‘SlamBall’ in their systems.  That'll cure ‘em.”
   Elmore, who has no investments nor any plans for retirement, has noticed no change in business.
   “I'm getting the same number of calls as before,” he explained.  “As long as people aren't so poor they can't afford to refrigerate their food, I'll be okay.  And if they can't afford that, then I guess we'd all be pretty fucking poor.”
   He did find something to worry a little about, though.
   “Well, if we went to nuclear war with Iraq, everyone might turn to canned foods,” he said.  “But that's not all that likely.”