Bush Hopes Chinese Haven't Eaten American Spy Plane Crew
WASHINGTON, D.C.– President Bush announced Thursday that the U.S. is in successful negotiations to bring back the crew of a spy plane that collided with a Chinese fighter, and that he hopes “they haven't eaten our crew.”
   Bush, in a press conference, expressed his concern.  “We regret the death of the Chinese pilot,” he said, “and we regret the fact that the Chinese may sauté our crew.”
   The administration's fears stem from the long-held knowledge that the Chinese, a society dominated by poverty, communism, and confusion, eat people.  No reports can confirm than any of the 24 crew members have been eaten, but the anxiety in Washington mounts as the standoff continues.
   “We could be looking at a controversy of incredible proportions,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell.  “If the Chinese have cooked our crew and eaten them, which is very likely the case, we will not endorse China's entry into the World Trade Organization.”
   Despite the crisis, Bush has confidence in the crew.
   “If the Chinese do decide to eat our crew, they'd probably put them in a huge cauldron under an open fire, then they'd dance around the massive pot,” he said.  “Fortunately, the crew has been trained to deal with such situations.”
   All members of the Navy are trained to resist torture—or to at least show no signs of pain.  According to White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, the crew, once in the cauldron, would begin cutting up carrots and whistling, thereby exposing the failed attempt to mentally break them.
   “All we can do now is pray that those savages haven't eaten our people,” said Bush.  “And if not, let's just hope they were killed quickly, not cooked alive, and not eaten alive.”