Catholics Add Another Destination to the Afterlife
VATICAN CITY– Pope John Paul II announced Tuesday that, in an act of true infallibility, he has added another post-mortem destination for souls.  This new tenet of virtually revealed dogma affects those who, while on Earth, were pious for the early part of their lives, but were not for the rest of their lives.
   Confusionaro, the new home for the religiously indecisive, takes its place along side Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, and Limbo as an afterlife teaching of the Church.
   “His Holiness is very pleased with this new development,” said Vatican Press Secretary Mario Gundoli.  “He feels we have covered all the bases now.”
   Confusionaro holds all those who renounce Catholicism after living a life devoted to it.  The souls in this home of the dead are tortured, the degree of torture being determined by the time of piety compared to the time of non-religiousness. 
   “Those who spend a lot of their lives obeying the teachings but give them up later will not face punishment as harsh as those who were believers for a smaller fraction of their lifetimes,” said Gundoli.
   Confusionaro is divided into an unspecified number of circles of judgment.  As in Hell, the lighter torture is located toward the perimeter, while the most severe punishments (and hence the most deserving souls) are located at the center.
   “Punishments include: ravenous dogs eating one's genitalia, boiling excrement being poured into one's orifices, fiery hooks ripping at one's skin, and much more,” said Gundoli.
   It's not without hope, though.  Upon completion of one's penance, Heaven is the ultimate destination for the cleansed souls.
   “It's a true display of God's compassion for man,” said Gundoli.