August
20, 2002-
Pitcher Denies
Batter Realization of Childhood Dream
CLEVELAND-- Oakland Athletics pitcher Tim Hudson callously
denied Indians designated hitter Ellis Burks of the realization of his
childhood dream of successfully hitting a baseball in a major league game
by striking out the bright-eyed batsman Monday.
"All I've ever dreamed of doing since I
was a kid was hitting that ball," said Burks. "But Tim just wouldn't
let me live my dream."
Hudson, who had five other thoughtless strikeouts
in 8 1/3 innings, was not sympathetic.
"I pitched well today," he said, not stopping
to think of the crushed aspirations that lay in his six-hit, one-run wake.
"My sinker was pretty good."
"I just don't get him," said Burks.
"How can he be so careless? By denying my childhood dreams, he's
destroying my childhood itself."
Burks then went to his locker to weep.
August 14,
2002-
"Previous Channel"
Button Reveals That Son Was Watching Mexican Bikini Movie
MINNEAPOLIS-- On Sunday afternoon, an accidental pressing
of the "Previous Channel" button on the television remote by Lynette Boone
revealed that her son had just been watching a Mexican bikini movie.
"I sat down to check the news just after
Justin left the living room," she explained. "I tried to hit the
mute button because I thought I heard the phone ringing, but instead pressed
'Previous Channel' and this '70s Spanish beach movie with a bunch of women
in thongs was on."
Justin, 15, had the TV on MTV as he left,
but he did not think about the "Previous Channel" threat.
"I guess I should have made sure the previous
station was something else, like ESPN or something," he said.
Justin is not taking Spanish in school.
August 9,
2002-
21-Year-Old Having
Difficulty Coping with Age
SEATTLE-- Having turned 21 a week ago, Dan Colmes is
finding it difficult to deal with his advanced age.
"I still have fresh memories of 'Loony Tunes'
on Saturday mornings and my first time driving a car alone," he reminisced.
"And now look at me: old and worn."
Colmes is especially troubled when visiting
malls or driving by high schools.
"I was at the mall the other day, and all
around me I see these young, flawless-skinned 15-year olds," he recalled.
"I mean, 15? They were born in 1987 for God's sake. They don't
even remember eight-bit Nintendo."
After coming out of a liquor store last
Tuesday, Colmes found another reason to wallow in his depression.
"This kid wearing a Hoobastank t-shirt asked
me to buy him beer. I remember when I used to do that," he said as
a tear rolled down his cheek. "And the worst thing about it?
I don't even know what Hoobastank is."
August 3,
2002-
Guy Who Hates "Peanuts"
Regularly Reads It Nevertheless
HOUSTON-- Rice University student Vernon Greer, who reads
the comics in the Houston Chronicle daily, often finds himself reading
the late Charles Schulz's beloved "Peanuts," in spite of his professed
hatred of the strip.
"I don't know why I look at it," he said
"It's never even made me crack a smile."
Greer, who prefers comics like "Mr. Boffo"
and "Monty" to the more mainstream strips like "Peanuts" and "Hagar the
Horrible," cannot help himself from reading the strips he despises.
"I also read 'Ziggy,' which is shit," he
said. "I guess I do it because it only takes like five seconds to
read them. Still, it's real gay, so I don't know why I bother."
In recalling his comic strip likes and dislikes,
Greer also noted that "the mom from 'Family Circus' has some rack."
July 29,
2002-
Programmed '80s
Radio Station Tips Dad Off to Son's Homosexuality
HOUSTON-- Michael Stanhope, 48, who has long suspected
that is 16-year-old son Mark is a homosexual, came across a crucial "piece
of the puzzle" Saturday when he discovered that his son has local '80s
radio station 106.9 "The Point" on one of his car radio's program buttons.
"That's it, he's queer," said the ashamed
father. "I went out to move the car out of the driveway, turned it
on, and was hit by 'Footloose' blaring through the speakers."
The station, which plays '80s pop hits like
the Go-go's "We Got the Beat" and John Cougar Mellencamp's "Hurts So Good,"
has been a favorite of Mark's as long as he has known about it.
"I just don't like to much of the new stuff
out there right now," he said. "I'm also into '80s movies.
I guess I'm an '80s nut."
"Oh God," said his father.
July 15,
2002-
"Thank You" Wave
Given Inappropriately
PHOENIX-- While driving Saturday afternoon, Darren Spencer,
after making his way in front of Zack Peterson just before a merge in the
road, gave Peterson a "thank you" wave despite the fact that he attempted
to keep Spencer from changing lanes.
"I was trying to keep close to the car in
front of me, so he couldn't get over," said Peterson. "But he eked
his way in and then thanked me."
Peterson expressed his anger at the gesture.
"It's bad enough that he was such an ass
in cutting me off," he said. "But he added to it by thanking me.
So, not only is he a jerk, but he thinks I'm a nice guy who just lets jerks
in front of me."
"It's rare that you see such courteous drivers
nowadays," said Spencer. "I'll be sure to pay it forward and let
someone go ahead of me in the future."
Peterson's poor application of waves was
seen on June 30, when he failed to acknowledge a driver who gave a lot
of room for him to pull ahead because he thought she was "stopped so far
back for some other reason."
June 24,
2002-
Israeli Journalist
Hoping for Arafat Death so He Can Use "Tanks for the Memories" Headline
RAMALLAH, West Bank-- With Palestinian leader Yasser
Arafat surrounded once again by Israeli tanks, Jerusalem Post journalist
David Peres is hoping for Arafat's death so he can use the headline "Tanks
for the Memories," which he has been saving for two months.
"It would be a real shame to see such a
fitting headline go to waste, so let's all hope Arafat dies soon," said
Peres. "I'm just looking to add a bit of humor to the situation."
Peres has thought up many headlines to use
in the event of Arafat's death at the hands of the Israeli army, but he
has made "Tanks for the Memories" his top choice.
"I wanted something humorous, but not spiteful,"
he explained.
Discarded headlines include "Palestinian
Party Ruined as Arafat Gets Tanked" and "Arafat Araflattened."
June 13,
2002-
Teen Uses "Show
Desktop" Icon, Auto Hide to Conceal Internet Porn
AKRON, OH-- Ingenious 13-year-old Steven O'Connor has
developed a foolproof strategy that uses the "Show Desktop" taskbar icon
and the taskbar Auto Hide feature to conceal internet pornography from
his parents.
"Well, first off, if I'm checking out some
hardcore porn or whatever, and Mom comes in the room without knocking,
I can just hit the "Show Desktop" button and it clears the screen of all
that stuff."
The cunning teen has also learned to activate
the taskbar Auto Hide feature, which is useful when circumstances don't
call for using "Show Desktop."
"If by some chance I have a legitimate Web
page up, like CNN or whatever, I don't have to worry about Mom seeing the
Web sites' names in the taskbar," he explains, "because Auto Hide drops
the taskbar out of view until I move the cursor over it."
"I'm so proud of him," said Steven's mother,
Janice. "He spends so much time on that computer, and everytime I
look in on him, he's checking the India-Pakistan conflict or the War on
Terrorism and other crucial world issues. That boy's so intelligent."
April 22,
2002-
Cynical High Schooler
Too Cynical to Like "The Catcher in the Rye"
DALLAS-- Having just finished J.D. Salinger's "The Catcher
in the Rye," Lamar High School junior Michael Stockton, 17, finds himself
in the peculiar situation of being too cynical to enjoy the book.
"What the fuck is wrong with this whiny
guy anyway?" asked Stockton. "I get just as much out of this book
as I do watching an episode of 'Becker.'"
The once controversial book has become a
sort of rite of passage for many cynical, frustrated American adolescents.
"I don't identify with this jerk at all,"
critiqued Stockton. "Why doesn't he just shut the fuck up and get
a helmet, you know what I mean?"
Salinger's classic has become a treasured
work turned to by many for perspective, but not in Stockton's case.
"That book was real bitchy," he said.
"And don't even get me started on 'The Stranger.'"
April 11,
2002-
Bush Pushes for
Ban on Hope for Crippled, Others
WASHINGTON-- President Bush urged Congress Wednesday
to develop a complete ban on hope for crippled people, Alzheimer's patients,
those afflicted with cancer, and many other lamentable groups.
"We must preserve the ethics of human dignity,"
said the president. "Saving lives and eliminating agony are not part
of those ethics. God answers prayers, and I'm not God's substitute."
It appears as if a bill accepting certain
kinds of hope will pass through Congress, but Bush said he will veto it
immediately.
"We cannot allow any form of hope to come into
the hands of the crippled," said Bush. "Once we allow one kind, it
becomes harder and harder to regulate other hopes, until we have a rampant
inspiration epidemic in our midst."
March 16,
2002-
Rosie O'Donnell's
Children Embarrassed Like Few Could Imagine
LOS ANGELES-- Popular talk show host Rosie O'Donnell,
who has just recently begun openly speaking about her homosexuality, has
embarrassed her three adopted children like no other mom in history.
"Wow, I can't believe it," said six-year-old
Parker. "Most mom's will embarrass you in front of your friends,
but this is really bad."
"I don't know what's the big deal," said
four-year--old Chelsea, too young to understand human sexuality.
"But I'm still embarrassed."
Experts across the country agree that this
is the most embarrassing thing any mother has ever done.
"This is an unprecedented act regarding
what we call the 'Maternal Embarrassment Factor,'" said psychologist Herman
Edwards of Harvard. "The only thing that comes close to this is having
a mom that looks like Fred Flintstone."
February
24, 2002-
Conceptual Clipping
Goes Unappreciated
Breathe.
February
16, 2002-
Mandatory Valentine's
Cards Appreciated by Parents
DALLAS-- The parents
of Terrace Elementary School student William Terrell have voiced their
appreciation of third grade teacher Janine Evans' policy of requiring her
students to give Valentine's Day cards to everyone in the class.
"We would
like to thank Mrs. Evans for making sure that no one, especially Will,
was left out on Valentine's," said father Jeremy Evans.
"I understand
how disappointing it can be if a child doesn't receive any Valentines from
his classmates," said the thoughtful teacher. "Also, I don't want
him coming back the next day and going apeshit all up in my class."
William,
a reserved boy, had no comment.
"It's
good to know that there are teachers out there looking out for our kids,"
said Madeline, William's mother. "I hope she makes sure he gets some
eggs in the Easter Egg Hunt, just in case he's leaning toward enacting
final vengeance on society."
February
11, 2002-
Jesus Christ Booed
at All-Star Game
PHILADELPHIA-- Son
of Man and Savior of humankind Jesus H. Christ was booed at a rare public
appearance at Sunday's NBA All-Star game in Philadelphia.
Christ,
Who gave His life so as to ensure salvation for Christians in the afterlife,
appeared at center court after the game to hand Lakers star Kobe Bryant
the MVP trophy.
"Kobe,
you've put on a real show deserving of this award," said Christ, as the
boos mounted. "And thank you Philadelphia for a wonderful weekend."
The Philadelphia
fans, known for being hard on visitors, filled the First Union Center with
deep boos as Christ left the stage and walked out of the arena.
"I'm
hurt that they booed me," said Christ later, "but I understand. You
know, I haven't been around for awhile. I forgive them."
February
6, 2002-
Guy Embarrassed
About Lack of Knowledge of John Walker Lindh
SEATTLE-- A 37-year-old
local music store owner is embarrassed to tell anyone that he knows only
the bare minimum about suspected American Taliban fighter John Walker Lindh.
"I know
it's really important and all," said the man, who wishes to remain anonymous,
"but I just kind of missed the news at the beginning and haven't really
caught up."
The lifetime
Seattle resident is aware of some of the facts, though.
"Well
I know he went to Afghanistan and I think he was in their army or whatever,
and then he got captured and brought to America," he said. "Why exactly,
I don't know. He's got a beard, I think."
Unfortunately,
the well-meaning music lover's lack of knowledge extends to other heavily
reported stories.
"I'm
a bit unclear on exactly what Enron did, but I know it's something bad
and has to do with their employees," he said. "Oh yeah, and what
was that whole JonBenet Ramsey thing?"
February
2, 2002-
Guy Without TV
Wishes He Had One for Super Bowl
ST. LOUIS-- Graham
Harrison, 32, who voluntarily gave up his television ten years ago, wishes
he could have it back just for the Super Bowl on Sunday.
"I got
rid of it so I could devote my free time to reading," said Harrison.
"But I'd kind of like to see what all the Super Bowl fuss is about."
The oddball
writer jettisoned the TV in favor of Shakespeare, Locke, Freud, and the
like in his senior year at Vanderbilt University.
"I've
done nothing but enlightened myself for the past decade, and reflected
on my progress in my work," the proud scholar said. "Still, though,
I'd like to see these commercials. I wonder which Britney Pepsi commercial
they'll pick."
January
23, 2002-
Pat Summerall to
Retire from FOX, Keep Job as John Madden's Caretaker
LOS ANGELES-- Play-by-play
announcer Pat Summerall said Tuesday he will retire from broadcasting NFL
games for FOX with long-time companion John Madden after the February 3
Superbowl, but he will keep his position as Madden's caretaker.
"It's
been a long road," said the 71-year-old Summerall, "but now it's time to
devote more of my attention to writing, producing, and keeping John out
of the deep end."
Summerall
has called games with Madden for 21 years, and has taken care of the invalid
former coach for the past 11.
"I'm
going to take it a little easier from now on," said Summerall. "Of
course, not too easy. John can be quite a handful."
"We are
losing a man who broadcasted as well as anyone, and who contributed greatly
to broadcasting," said Madden. "He is the man I admire most."
January
14, 2002-
"Billy Madison"
Chosen Over India-Pakistan News
BOSTON-- Boston University
student Daniel Owens sat down to watch television Sunday afternoon and
opted to view USA's airing of "Billy Madison" instead of crucial news on
developments in the India-Pakistan conflicts.
"I hadn't
seen the movie since like '96, so I thought I'd catch it," said the 20-year-old
History major. "I know there was lots of news about India on, but
I really like that movie."
Because
Owens chose to watch the film, which stars Adam Sandler, he missed the
news that Indian Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee and Pakistani President
Gen. Pervez Musharraf met in Nepal, but had no success in resolving tensions.
"I had
nothing to do all day so I watched it," Owens continued. "It did
suck that they took out all the swearing and shit. I guess I could
have turned over to CNN or something during the commercials, instead of
'V.I.P.'"
December
5, 2001-
This Year's Hot
Gift: Not Dying
It's that time of
year again. All across the nation people are rushing around, looking
for the perfect Christmas gifts for family and friends. But with
the recent terrorist attacks still fresh in America's collective memory,
this year's hottest gift is unlike that of any other year. So, what
are people asking Santa for this Christmas?
"I know
what I want for Christmas," said 10-year-old San Diego resident Michael
Ebson. "I want to not die."
Likewise,
adults are hoping to get the gift of not dying this holiday season.
"You
know, there's a lot of materialistic thinking going on this time of year,
and sometimes we can forget the most wonderful gift of all," said Los Angeles
man Alex Longfellow. "That gift, of course, is not dying."
Though
it appears that not dying will be more and more difficult to find as the
25th approaches, wide-eyed children in all of America's major cities remain
optimistic.
"I just
know I'm not going to die this Christmas," said Ebson. "I've been
a good boy all year."
November
29, 2001-
Bioterrorism Facts
Source: World Health
Organization, 2001
-
If you are experiencing
high fever, aches, and widespread pimples, you may have smallpox.
See a doctor immediately. Do not attempt to Oxycute.
-
No one knows for sure
if Islamic terrorists will engage in bioterrorism. Right now, it's
those goddamned tree monkeys we've got to look out for.
-
If you contract smallpox
or a comparable virus, it will not help if you scream obscenities while
running in circles and flailing your arms about wildly. But it would
be pretty fucking funny.
-
Smallpox is also known
as variola, which rhymes with areola, the area around the nipple.
-
You better lose the turban
and beard if you want one of America's 290 million doses of smallpox vaccine
when the shit goes down.