August
27, 2003-
Man Thinks It's OK to Masturbate to Saved by the Bell
Because Actresses Are Older Now
BOSTON-- Thomas Burdenbow, a 23-year-old web designer,
justifies his habitual masturbating to reruns of Saved by the Bell by
noting that the actresses are now well past the legal age of consent.
"When I was like 13, I'd make sure to set my alarm every
Saturday morning to be awoken to Tiffani Amber Thiessen's untouched,
still-developing physique," Burdenbow recalls. "And now that
she's a total babe with huge fake tits, I don't see anything wrong with
continuing to my love for her pure state."
He continues, "I mean, I know what she turned out like, so
I'm not really jerking off to a 14-year-old. 'Cause she's really
like 25."
Burdenbow doesn't limit himself just to Saved by the Bell
when seeking self-gratification catalysts.
"I've also caught some reruns of Flipper, with Jessica
Alba, when she was 15 or something," he explains. "Oh God, she's
in bikinis all the time,
man. Thankfully she's in her 20s now, so it's all good."
August
15, 2003-
Americans Disappointed
New York Blackout Wasn't Terrorist Act
NEW YORK--
Immediate
expectations that yesterday's power outage that affected 50 million
people
in the Northeast was a terrorist act have since been quelled as
officials
point to an outdated energy infrastructure as the culprit, much to the
disappointment of the American public.
"You
know I was like, 'Well, at least it wasn't more attacks,'" said Mel
Camden,
a 32-year-old native New Yorker. "But honestly, I think we were
all
pulling for terrorism."
Americans
have been on edge ever since the attacks of September 11, 2001, though
no comparably significant terrorism has occurred on U.S. soil since.
"We were
all glued to the TV at first, thinking, 'This is it,'" said Los
Angelean
Trevor Blake, 23. "Then they started saying it was Canada's
fault.
Fuck."
As power
is restored to New York and half a dozen other cities, the nation
continues
to await the next major terrorist act.
"Ah well,
false alarm," said one Bostonian. "I guess we'll have to stick
with
'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' for now."
"What
really gets me is that we might've got to see some more bin Laden
videos,"
said Camden. "I kind of miss that guy."
August
5, 2003-
U.S.
Releases Photos
of Disguised Saddam
July
12,
2003-
Jesus
Gets a Pair
of the New Lebrons
HEAVEN-- Savior of Man Jesus Christ, 33,
recently acquired
a pair of the soon-to-be released Nike Zoom Generation Lebron shoes,
which
will be worn by 18-year-old basketball phenom Lebron James in his
rookie
season for the Cleveland Cavaliers.
"I think they're tight," said the
Suffering
Servant. "Pretty understated. Classy. Like the early
Jordans."
Christ has been showing off his
new kicks
all over Heaven, while uncharacteristically bragging a bit.
"I'm the first guy on my block
with a pair,"
He said. "Everyone's asking where I got 'em, but I keep telling
them
only I got the hook-up."
Though the shoes have not been
well received
in many parts of Paradise, Christ confidently believes they will sell
out
quickly.
"Everyone wants a pair of the
hippest, newest
shoes, no matter how they look," said the Messiah. "Except
Mohammed.
Man, that guy lives in the past. He's still wearing the original
Iversons."
Christ has been careful not to
over-wear
his new sneaks.
"I put them my backpack and change
into
them at the court," He explained, "'cause once you scuff 'em you fucked
up your whole night."
July
2,
2003-
Fourth of
July
Fun and Safety Tips
- If you get really drunk and go out
boating,
be sure not to
wear a seat belt so when you wreck the boat you'll be safely thrown
into
the water.
- Bring a video camera with you to the
beach
so you can tape
girls flashing their breasts. Avoid taping any murders or else
you'll
end up testifying in court for months.
- A beloved piece of Americana, the
fireworks
show, is a delight
for families of easily amused, slack-jawed rubes.
- Remember: bullets shot into the sky
come
back down.
Chances are they won't fall on you, so fire away.
- If you're white, try not to make eye
contact with any Indians.
June
18,
2003-
Millions
to Be
Received by Consumers As Judge Approves Settlement in Shitty Music
Lawsuit
PORTLAND, Maine-- Judge Edwin Hornsby issued a
50-page
ruling Monday in a case which began in 1996 as an investigation of
whether
distributors conspired to sell undeniably shitty music to hapless
consumers.
"The settlement will return some
of the
money consumers have paid for shitty CDs over the years," explained
Hornsby.
"Though it won't reverse the effects of listening to an Avril
Lavigne
album, it is a start."
It is not yet clear how much will
be returned
to consumers, but estimates suggest $3.5 million--$13 for each
plaintiff.
"The contemptible actions of these
labels
stretch nationwide, and affect all varieties of people," the ruling
continued.
"Sure Creed had a catchy tune or two, but what consumer could expect
the
same shit on every track? I mean, the guy writes a song to his
unborn
son and sings it with the same ridiculous drawl and with the same
distorted
guitars backing him. What the fuck?"
Approximately half of the ruling
was devoted
to listing reasons the music in question was so shitty.
"And Jennifer Lopez--the videos
are hot,
so people don't realize how horrible the music is until they plunk down
$18. How deceptive. And don't even get me started on the
new
Metallica."
June
10,
2003-
AMA
Decries "2
Fast 2 Furious" as "Nonsurgical Lobotomy"
CHICAGO-- The American Medical Association
(AMA), in
response to widely reported cases of unusual mental sluggishness
following
individuals' viewing of the summer blockbuster "2 Fast 2 Furious," has
labeled the film the equivalent of "nonsurgical lobotomy" and demanded
its recall.
"The effects are instant and
terrifying,"
said AMA President Dr. Yank D. Coble, Jr. "People are leaving the
theaters in near catatonia."
The sequel to the $140 million box
office
hit "The Fast and the Furious" made $50 million its opening weekend,
leaving
millions with irreparable brain damage.
"Fast cars are fast," said
moviegoer Doug
Ferrel in the theater lobby after seeing the film. "Fast is good."
"We know not yet the extent of
this unconscionable
attack on the American public," said Coble, "but we are doing
everything
we can to stop this lobotomizing before it gets any worse.
"I don't understand how this movie
got distribution.
It's so obviously a brainwashing tool. I mean, look at the title,
for Christ's sake. '2' the number? I feel stupider just
having
read it."
May
31,
2003-
U.S.
Drops Terror
Alert to Fruit Group
April
28,
2003-
Teenager
Steps
in Dog Shit, Flips the Fuck Out
SAN DIEGO--
Ben Simms,
14, stepped in dog shit in his backyard Sunday afternoon and proceeded
to flip the fuck out.
"I was
shooting hoops, and I didn't feel like putting my shoes on," Simms
said.
"Then the ball rolled into the grass and I went after it."
Simms,
failing to watch his step, planted his left foot squarely into a pile
of
fresh Labrador shit.
"Oh man,
I didn't know what to do, so I just yelled out," Simms recalled.
"I mean, it was still warm."
After
overcoming the initial shock, Simms attempted to gather himself, but
found
it difficult to calm down.
"I just
started hopping like a madman to get in the house to wash it off.
I fell twice on the way to the bathroom.
Once
able to get the bathtub water running over his foot, Simms relaxed.
"I just
thanked God it was over," he said. "One word of advice for those
of you who come across a similar emergency: hot water makes dog shit
smell
even worse."
April
4,
2003-
Eating
Steak, Drinking
Beer While Watching War Not as Fun as Anticipated
AUSTIN--
University
of Texas students Josh Haskell, 20, and Andrew Collins, 21, found their
plans of eating steak and drinking beer while watching the war with
Iraq
to be less fun than expected Friday.
"We were
drinking one night, and we started talking," explained Collins.
"We
thought it would be a great idea to get some steaks and beers for the
weekend
and just get trashed and full of meat while watching the war--you know,
real guy stuff."
"I thought
it would be a blast," said Haskell, "but the war coverage was pretty
boring,
actually."
The two
agreed that the war coverage was a disappointment.
"I was
looking forward to Baghdad getting lit up, but we had to listen to some
shit about P.O.W.'s or watch tanks rolling across the empty desert,"
said
Collins.
"Plus
it took a long-ass time to cook the steaks, 'cause our grill is so
small,"
said Haskell. "It was a cool idea, but it turned out to be way to
much work, and we just ended up watching basketball anyway."
March
18,
2003-
Bush
Gives Saddam
Ultimatum, Flicks Lights On and Off
WASHINGTON--
In an
address to the nation Monday, President Bush gave Saddam Hussein 48
hours
to leave Iraq or face an American invasion. The president then
proceeded
to flick the lights on and off in hopes of getting Saddam to calm down
and submit to the deadline.
"No,
no, no, no, no," Bush said as he flipped the light switch up and
down.
"No more, Saddam!"
The president
then put his two pinky fingers in the sides of his mouth, emitting an
ear-piercing
whistle.
"Hey!"
Bush yelled. "Get out of here!"
Saddam
did not react immediately, so Bush made one final threat before
concluding
his address.
"That's
it," he sternly looked into the camera, "I'm going outside to get the
hose."
February
21, 2003-
Big Shit
Anticipated
CHICAGO--
Nicholas
Pine, a 32-year-old investment banker, found himself anticipating and
pondering
over a big shit he planned on taking when getting home from work
Thursday.
"I had
a really big burger and a piece of cheesecake at lunch," he said.
"Which is odd, because I usually don't eat much until dinner."
Pine's
food selection would make its presence and imminent ramifications felt
immediately at the restaurant.
"When
I finished," he recalled, "I just sat back and breathed. I knew I
was in for some serious shitting when I got home."
Pine
spent the next four hours at work contemplating his big shit.
"I had
to think about which bathroom to use--upstairs or down?" he
explained.
"Downstairs is obviously closer, but upstairs I had a 'Scientific
American'
article I wasn't finished reading."
In the
end, Pine chose to take the risk of rushing upstairs.
"I made
it just in time. There's only one word to describe the
experience:
satisfying."
February
5, 2003-
Guy
Smiles at "The
Guru" Trailer, Loses Two Friends
NEWARK, NJ--
Jon Peeler,
22, found himself with two less friends Monday after smiling at the
trailer
for "The Guru" while they attended a showing of "Confessions of a
Dangerous
Mind."
"I turned
to Jon to say something sarcastic," said roommate Andrew Collier, 21,
"and
saw him with this goofy half-grin on his face."
"That
was the end of it," said Peeler's other friend, who wishes to remain
anonymous.
"I can't be friends with that specimen."
The comedy,
which stars Jimi Mistry, Heather Graham, and Marisa Tomei, is about an
Indian dance teacher who travels to America in search of acting
success,
but becomes famous only after being mistaken for a Swami mystical
healer.
"It's
got Heather Graham, who has big tits," explained Collier, "but it's
also
got that 'woo woo woo' song from 'Grease,' which outweighs anything but
the most excessive amount of titty."
"Jon
was a nice guy," said his other friend. "I'm going to miss
him.
I hope his gay movies can fill the void where are friendship once
stood.
'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' should be out on video soon."
January
21, 2003-
White Guy
Avoids
Playing Black Music on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
ATLANTA--
Gregory
McGurk, a 27-year-old white systems analyst, made a conscious effort to
play no music written or performed by black musicians in his car stereo
on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day Monday.
"I thought
it might be disrespectful to the black race to have a white guy
flaunting
his stereo system with their music," he explained. "It just
didn't
feel right."
McGurk
instead opted to play mostly classic rock CDs in his car, though he
usually
listens to hip-hop.
"I just
popped in some stuff I hadn't listened to in a couple of years--some
Clash
and (Led) Zeppelin," he explained. "I figured that wouldn't
offend
any black people. Although Led is heavily blues-based, so maybe I
did hurt some people. I hope not."
McGurk
says he will continue to play his rap music in the future.
"I was
just being respectful and letting the black people have their day," he
said. "I didn't want anyone to get all hot over me playing their
stuff on their day. I'm very aware of racial tensions."
November
24, 2002-
Cat Owner
Neither
a Stoner nor a Faggot
DALLAS-- 26-year-old Joshua Levy, a computer
programmer
and the proud owner of two cats, has perplexed those around him by not
being a pothead nor a homosexual.
"I love my cats," said the single
University of
Texas graduate. "Sometimes it gets lonely here, but they can
always
cheer me up."
Despite the bizarre pet choice, friends
say Levy
is perfectly straight in every conceivable way.
"He used to go out with a bunch of
girls
in college, and he's always up for some poker or whatever on the
weekends,"
said former college roommate Andrew Reeves. "I just don't get
it.
You'd think he were a weirdo or something, but as far as I can tell he
isn't."
Levy confesses that he has tried
marijuana,
but not since freshman year of college.
"I didn't like it all that much,"
he explained.
"Oh yeah, and I hated cock. Man, I just like cats. What's
so
wrong with that?"
October
10, 2002-
Student
Spends
More Time Adjusting Fonts, Margins Than Actually Writing Paper
BALTIMORE-- Marshall High School senior Brad
Gooden,
18, spent more time adjusting the fonts and margins of his recent
English
paper than he did actually writing the paper itself. The
three-page
essay on the role of Lady Macbeth in Shakespeare's "Macbeth" took
Gooden
forty-five minutes to write, and another hour to format.
"I was up to 640 words, which is
over a
hundred short," said Gooden. "But I really didn't want to have to
get out the book and start reading the thing, so I started fucking with
the fonts."
Though warned by his teacher that
such meddling
would be caught, Gooden attempted to subtly extend the physical length
of his paper.
"It took me forever to find a big enough
font
that looks like Times [New Roman]," he said. "'Cause of course
Courier
and shit like that is way too obvious."
After an hour of trial and error,
Gooden
found the right combinations.
"I got it like at 12.3 size, with
a quarter
inch taken off each margin, and it's in Book Antiqua or something like
that. I should be good."
September
26, 2002-
Man Can't
Get Ass
to Stop Itching
ATLANTA-- Local resident Allan O'Connor, 23,
had difficulty
Wednesday keeping his ass from itching.
"Well, I took a crap after I
showered in
the morning and that turned out to be a mistake. Big mistake," he
said. "I just couldn't squeeze that last one out, and it stuck
with
me the rest of the day."
O'Connor went to work out after
eating breakfast
and found himself in a very uncomfortable position.
"I decided to shoot some hoops,
and I was
okay until I started playing a game," he said. "I started
sweating
and all, and my ass started to itch."
O'Connor continued his
recollection: "So
I went and wiped between games, but I just couldn't get it clean back
there.
And all that wiping was starting to hurt."
Explaining his frustration,
O'Connor went
on about the rest of his day.
"I was hoping to need to shit
again, so
I could bust that little guy out and clean house, but it didn't
happen,"
he said. "So I had to wait till my next shower."
September
19, 2002-
Unpopular
Italian
Kid Wishes Parents Were in the Mafia
ST. PAUL, MINN-- Michael Russo, an unpopular
fourth grader
of Italian decent, finds his alienation from his classmates so
frustrating
that he often finds himself wishing his parents were in the mafia.
"School sucks," said the
9-year-old.
"But I'm sure if my dad was a mob boss or something I'd never be picked
last for kickball ever again."
Russo, who has seen every episode
of HBO's
"The Sopranos," often dreams of being the son of a mafia head.
"Ms. Daniels threw away my doodles of me
watching
my dad shoot up Reggie and Allan and all them, but it'd be different if
my dad could live up to his heritage and quit his job at the Toyota
dealership,"
explained Russo.
Though it doesn't seem as if his
father
will quit his job anytime soon, Michael continues to wish.
"I mean, he doesn't have to be
like a don
or whatever," said Russo. "Just as long as he's a made man."