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Government
Overhauls, Improves Middle, High School Curriculum
WASHINGTON,
D.C.- President Clinton announced major changes in the curriculum of public
junior high and high schools across the nation. Many traditional
(and previously considered necessary) courses will be dropped, and new,
present day-oriented classes will be added.
"America's standardized test scores have been below the rest of the world's
for decades, now," said Clinton. "It's time for some changes."
Perhaps the most controversial switch will be the replacement of History
with TV Ed. Instead of learning an excruciatingly detailed history
of America (and the gist of the history of the rest of the world), students
will be taught the history of television shows of the past decade- their
characters, settings, plot lines, etc.
"We had some ninth graders take some tests- one was general world history,
the other was about Seinfeld," said Marjorie Barton, of the Department
of Education. "For the most part, the kids don't know how many states
there are, who fought the Civil War, who the first man on the moon was,
nor what color the sky is in countries other then the U.S."
The Seinfeld test scores were through the roof, though. Of the 200
tested, 185 knew that Kramer's first name is Cosmo. The same amount
knew that the show's original name was "The Seinfeld Chronicles."
These numbers show a correlation between what pupils like and what they
learn, Barton believes.
"Ever since the beginning of this country in 1 A.D., we've taught our students
history- but no one wants to read about a bunch of dead guys. Napoleon?
FDR? Stalin? Ghandi? They ain't funny, entertaining,
sexy, or even alive, so why should we care?"
TV Ed. will teach when prime time shows come on in the four main time zones-
Eastern, Central, Mountain, and the problematic Pacific. The course
will also test students on various shows' cast members, their favorite
recipes, and their talk show appearances, among other things.
"I think this is a wonderful opportunity for American kids to show the
world what they're made of," said Clinton. "We already rule the world,
so we shouldn't have to be learning gay-ass math and shit. Other
countries aspiring to be us have to worry about that stuff. Our kids
will learn what they like."
Other new classes to be instituted nationwide include Britney Spears Studies,
Pokemonshop, and Intro to Loitering.
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